Week three’s two episodes featured a blindfolded man being fed a dead crab, Corinne’s final grasp at relevancy, and the complete destruction of Dean’s reputation in Bachelor Nation. So, nothing new really.
Same, Diggy.
Here are the the moments I felt like talking about when I wasn’t busy Googling dragon baby halloween costumes for my toddler.
That Moment When you can’t stop laughing
The only thing more tenacious than Robby’s sweat glands is his desire to kiss Amanda. Most men would have moved on after Amanda preferred a game of Scattergories over a romantic evening gazing at the glow sticks he threw in the hotel hot tub, but not Robby. He kept his eyes on the prize, his hair spray close, and was fully prepared when Amanda looked at him and said, “You are so hot.” Play it cool, Robby. This is your moment. “Thanks, babe, appreciate it,” Robby said exactly the way he had rehearsed in the mirror, “I got all dressed up for you.” Just when he started to lean in and his lips began to pucker, Amanda said, “No, you’re really hot,” and started fanning him while she leaned back in disgust. I’m still laughing.
Honorable Mention: When Christen tearfully said, “I don’t want (Jasmine) to do the chokey on me.”
That moment when you believe in love again
The Canadian eagle has landed and found true love. Not with the Mexican Luchadores who woke him from his speedo clad sleep. Not with Lacey who likes him despite the fact that he called her “leftover scraps” repeatedly to her face. Not with Christen whose virginity he fetishized. Daniel’s true love has been, and always will be, himself. I’d set my DVR right now if you told me he’d been cast to have an entire season of The Bachelor making Canadian jokes into a mirror.
Honorable mention: When Matt chose to go home rather than keep dating Jasmine. Run from the chokey, Matt, run!
that moment when you need to fan yourself
Once again absolutely nothing sexy happened on Bachelor in Paradise so there was no need to fan yourself. There was, however, a need to wave your hands around in confusion because you have no idea how Sarah and Raven ended up in a love triangle with Adam. Adam is probably the best looking man at your dad’s company BBQ, but in what upside down world is he good enough for Raven and/or Sarah? Plus, Raven pursued him despite seeing her good friend Sarah cuddle with him over the filming break. Ever hear of dibs, Raven? They should have skipped the drama and played a quick game of rock paper scissors with the loser taking Ben Z. and his dog.
Honorable mention: When you realize that Tickle Monster is kinda hot.
That moment when you throw the remote at the tv
I’d like to express my sincerest apologies for defending Dean in the comments last week. I’m sorry. I was wrong. He’s the worst. Dean, it doesn’t matter how blue your eyes are, you can’t tell two women that they’re both the most fascinating woman you’ve ever met, give one your rose, sleep with her, and then kiss the other one later that night. Or at least you can’t without all of Bachelor Nation shunning you. Dean is the living embodiment of a Tinder fail. As for Kristina and Danielle L., they should have a little self-respect and leave now before he can woo them any further with lines like, “I never expected you to be this interesting.” Boy, bye.
Honorable Mention: When everyone started calling Christen scallop fingers behind her back. It was mean and not a good look.
that moment when you consider signing up for this show
The promise of a paid vacation to Mexico and the chance to hang out with Wells in real life are the only reasons I’d go anywhere near this show this season.
Honorable mention: Nothing, I’m too mad at Dean still.
that moment when you’d never sign up for this show
Potential serial killer, Jack Stone was understandably angry when Alexis put a dead crab dipped in hot sauce in his mouth during a game of “what dat mouf do tho” “Guess what’s going in your mouth”. I was understandably disgusted when he said the dead crab dipped in hot sauce smelled like the hot tub.
Honorable Mention: When we had to listen to Taylor and Derek have a fight about real relationship issues.
That Moment when we have to talk about Corinne
After last week’s interview with DeMario about the sexual misconduct allegations that shut down production early in the season, Corinne’s response was greatly anticipated. To my knowledge this was the first time she has spoken publicly about her version of the events. If you were hoping for any grand revelation, you didn’t get it. She claims that a mixture of too much alcohol and prescription medication caused her to blackout that day. She didn’t cast any blame on DeMario or the show. Rather she admitted that they wouldn’t have been able to tell that she “wasn’t there” mentally based on her behavior. That’s a pretty convenient ending to that scandal, don’t you think?
Neither party is guilty. Neither party places blame. Both parties feel victimized by the media. Yet, once again, no one mentions the Bachelor in Paradise producer who triggered the allegations. Wake me up when the production team is the one answering the questions. Until then this “scandal” won’t get anymore of my time.
What did you think of this week’s episodes? Do you hate Dean now? How hard did you cringe during that Truth or Dare scene? Did Matt make the right decision to leave? Let’s talk in the comments.
catch up on all of our Bachelor in Paradise Coverage here
photos courtesy of ABC
