The Bloody Mary Needs to Chill

I recently ordered a Bloody Mary at Met on Main, out on Nantucket. Then I was handed a form and a pencil, asking me to check off all the things I wanted in my Bloody Mary. Am I taking a census or am I ordering a cocktails?

• Bacon?
• Shrimp?
• Cornichons?
• Olives?
• Lobster tail?
• Cool ranch Doritos?
• Lemon?
• Used bandaid?
• Cheeseburger slider?
• Jello shot?
• Old Bay Garnish?
• Tomolives?
• Cheddar Block?
• Fresh roadkill?
• Oysters?
• Cured Garlic Cloves?

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A Bloody Mary is a drink. It is not a meal. It is not gazpacho with spirits. I want to answer two questions–and two questions only–when it comes to my Bloody Mary order:

1. What kind of vodka do I want? Absolut Peppar if you have it, whatever else if you don’t.
2. How spicy do I want it? I want the horseradish to burn off any and all nose hairs.

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A garnish is a small compliment to a drink. Acceptable Bloody Mary garnishes include sliced pickle, celery stick, or skewer green olives. A fried chicken leg is not a garnish.

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Why do Americans have to ruin everything? I don’t like a Bloody Mary bar. I don’t want Ted from Billerica sneezing into the carafe of Clamato. I don’t like to “do it myself.” I don’t need boostraps to tackle my hangover.

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Why do Americans have to make everything so…EXTRA? Morgan Spurlock needs a new documentary, focusing on the out of control Bloody Mary trend. It’s like there is a game of food Jenga going on in my highball glass and I’m sick of it.

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Don’t let Monday ruin your Sunday. Start your day the Hoodoo way, with our Bloody Trinity. Our house Bloody Mary blend, @titosvodka topped with a pork rib, a slice of brisket and jalapeño sausage. #hoodoobrown #brunch #bloodymary #bloodytrinity #bbq #bbqbrunch

A post shared by Hoodoo Brown Barbeque (@hoodoobrownbbq) on Jul 23, 2017 at 6:20am PDT

Stop it, right now.

Every breakfast should start this way ?. Enjoyed the most delicious brunch to help celebrate the one + only @laurengravelle ✨Happy Birthday to my everything friend who has heart of gold! Cheers to you ? . . . . #mondaymood #brunch #thecopperhen #mn #birthdayparty #bloodymary #summer #foodie #happybirthday

A post shared by J O H A N N A G R A C E (@johanna.mcdowell) on Jul 24, 2017 at 6:55am PDT

Girl, bye.

Sebastian Bloody Mary Lobster claw, 2 shrimp, bacon, olives, @keelvodka with a house made Bloody Mary mix. Umm yeah…??? #bloodymary #lobster #foodporn #craftcocktails #bacon #shrimpcocktail #drinkporn #thirsty #tuesday #drinks #keelvodka

A post shared by The Tavern on Broadway (@tavernonbroadway) on Jun 20, 2017 at 3:18pm PDT

Stop putting to words “drink” and “porn” together.

Forget “Make American Great Again.” Let’s just “Make the Bloody Mary Regular Again.”