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I live in a small town, with no mall and limited shopping options. Luckily, it’s 2017 and I can shop online, and we all know who has everything. Amazon! I love it, but lately the Amazon suggested products, supposedly based on my shopping history, are getting a little weird. Here are some of the highlights.
I do not have a cat. In fact, I am severely allergic to cats. I’m talking itchy eyes, running nose, throat closing, feels like an elephant is standing on my chest, allergic to cats.
I do have a dog and a horse, so this Amazon suggestion is not completely beyond reason but they are making some assumptions about my life.
The next one makes more sense since I have actually ordered a dog bed from Amazon. It’s cute, but not going to fit my 70lb dog.
What does concern me is that Amazon seems to know how much I love minion memes.
Time to put a post-it over my laptop camera. I hear Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg do!
The next Amazon suggestion is my personal favorite.
First of all, Officer Ed Banger!
Notice it also says “pants not included” but the baton and handcuffs are. A little 50 Shades of Amazon anyone? Amazon may be the crazy wild bff I never had. However, I’m feeling judged. Apparently my purchases of chia seeds and hoof polish are not exciting enough.
Obviously Amazon knows where I live because they mail me stuff all the time. I live in the south, it’s hot y’all, but I got this suggestion of the Octopus Knit Beanie.
Maybe this is some promotion for the new Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, because it looks like Davy Jones, the pirate not the Monkey.
Last I present the most confusing suggestion on the list: the Khubsurat Dekhene Ke Saral Tootke.
It kinda looks like porn! I also don’t speak whatever language this is, and if anyone can translate this in the comments below, you will be my hero for the week. No one else uses my Amazon account or computer login so I don’t know what search history this is based on. If they were really on their game, Amazon would be sending me links for apps to help raise emo teens or lists of supplements for peri-menopausal women.
Current Obsessions: Leanne is a wife, mother of 2 and currently unemployed. Her writing has been featured at GirlBodyPride.com and The Huffington Post. She is currently avoiding writing a memoir of her summer as an exchange student. Follow her nowhere, because that would be stalking, as she does not tweet, blog or insta. She doesn’t even own a smartphone!
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