Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay jumped right into week two with her first one-on-one date, two group dates, three celebrity guests, one date crashing ex-girlfriend and one dog wearing a cast. You know you love it. Here are the top moments with gif reactions.
Are we being punk’d?
With the long first night behind them, Rachel’s future ex-boyfriends reapplied their Axe body spray in preparation for the first group date. Hopefully Dean, Jack, “Tickle Monster” Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, and “Whaboom” Lucas also binge watched That 70’s Show because Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis made a guest appearance. Apparently Ashton and Mila started watching The Bachelorette when everyone kept saying that Jared H. (you know, the one ugly-crier Ashley I. is in love with) looked like him. Then, like any sentient beings, they became obsessed with the show. Kelso and Jackie laughed hysterically while the men ran through a “Husband Material” relay race that included changing dirty diapers and removing hair from a clogged drain. It was admittedly hilarious. But first, like the old married couple they are, they asked the men if they had jobs and/or health insurance. They all said yes, so either the Tickle Monster is a liar or even he has a health plan.
My reaction.
How Much Longer Do we have to talk about whaboom?
Lucas the man-child won the husband material relay by carelessly dunking the baby doll he had strapped to his chest in a sink of water and stiff-arming Kenny at the finish line. This gave Ashton and Mila the unfortunate experience of hearing him whaboom. I’m using the term whaboom as a verb because he actively foams at the mouth and seizes when he shouts it. You know it’s bad when Ashton Kutcher thinks you’ve over-played your character.
My reaction.
Can this get any worse?
Things went down hill quickly at the after date cocktail hour. If Rachel wasn’t avoiding the sweat dripping profusely from Iggy’s face, she was learning about baby wiping techniques from Jonathan or friend-zoning her former third grade camper, Fred. Then she got stuck hearing Blake (the aspiring drummer/sex PhD, not the hot Blake she sent home last week) complaining about Lucas, which is my job. Apparently Lucas used to date Blake’s roommate which was like lighting the bat signal for this season’s first right reasons vigilante. Blake swooped in on a cloud of feigned indignation to tell Lucas that he “knows he’s here to further his whaboom.” As if whaboom is an actual thing. I think this is how gaslighting starts. Kenny (Pro-Wrestler/Single Dad/Guy too good for this show) said it best in his interview when he said, “These white dudes are kinda buggin’ right now.”
My reaction.
Was that supposed to be long lasting lipstick?
The lone bright spot on the first group date was Dean the 26 year-old Startup Recruiter. Honestly, it’s not difficult to see what Rachel likes about Dean. It’s his face. In fact, she likes his face so much that she smeared her dark red lipstick all over it after giving him the date rose. Rachel doesn’t care what anyone thinks about his initial joke that he was “going black and never going back,” she’s just jealous that she didn’t get to make the joke first. I’m pretty sure she’s the only one upset about that. Rachel thinks Dean is adorable despite accidentally fetishizing the color of her skin and kissing her so passionately that he sucked the lipstick straight off of her lips.
My reaction.
Can we fast forward the commercials?
Someone has to pay the bills for the joke writer Dean desperately needs so The Bachelorette used the first one-on-one date to plug not one, not two, but three sponsors. My TV husband of this season Peter was the lucky recipient of the first solo date with Rachel. That meant he got to drive a Tesla car very slowly onto a tarmac where JetSuite had a private plane for them to take to a date in Palm Springs sponsored by BarkBox. It was like that one scene in Wayne’s World. Nothing to see here, just funding the rest of the travel expenses for Chris Harrison’s baggage fees.
My reaction.
What happened to Copper?
If you’re wondering why BarkBox sponsored Peter and Rachel’s date, that’s perfectly normal. For the record, it’s because she brought her dog, Copper along. What you should be wondering about is why Copper was hopping around on three legs while his fourth leg sparkled in the sun care of his glitter cast. I would love to solve the mystery of Copper’s injured leg for you but I can’t, because they never explained it. Seriously, of all the sad backstories we suffer through on this show and we don’t even get to find out what happened to the dog?
My reaction.
Where’s Copper?
Peter and Rachel continued their Palm Springs date at dinner that evening where I admired his graying temples while they admired the matching gaps in their front teeth. Peter teased that if they had children they would be “screwed,” but I stopped listening after he mentioned having babies because my overworked ovaries exploded. Rachel and Peter had a boring normal date discussing past relationships and their experiences with therapy after bad breakups. It was clear from their matching smiles that they’d hit it off, but in true Bachelorette fashion, we couldn’t know for sure until she gave him the date rose and they kissed under exploding fireworks.
My reaction.
Where’s the popcorn?
The next day Rachel had her final group date and celebrity guest appearance of the week when Kareem Abdul-Jabbar held a basketball clinic for Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, and DeMario. They all practiced for awhile and then played a game in front of a slightly filled totally packed high school gymnasium. They were honestly kinda terrible at basketball, but the real fun came after the game.
That’s when a woman named Lexi approached Rachel to tell her that, up until a few nights before, DeMario had been her boyfriend of 7 months. Rachel quickly grabbed DeMario from the locker room to confront him, but he took one glance at Lexi and said, “Who’s this?” Really, that’s how you want to play this, DeMario? Maybe next time before you call your “ex”-girlfriend crazy you should check to see if she has text messages to back up her entire story. Lexi did, so Rachel told a profusely sweating DeMario to “go the f**k home”.
My reaction.
DeMario who?
Rachel was furious with DeMario. She was embarrassed to be put in a cheating situation, which is sort of adorable considering this entire show is based on her dating multiple people at once. As for the remaining men on the basketball group date, they didn’t hesitate to comfort Rachel in her time of need. Alex sang a song to her in Russian with very little actual singing talent. Eric learned her love language is touch and then invaded her personal space. But it was Josiah who received the date rose after finally giving her the first kiss she deserved. By that I mean a first kiss that didn’t involve actively inhaling the bottom third of her face.
My reaction.
Is this the end?
Finally it was time for the end of the week cocktail party where all of the men who didn’t get a date with Rachel scrambled to make themselves relevant before the rose ceremony. That meant Bryan the chiropractor gave her an adjustment and made out with her again while making that weird moaning noise he does. Meanwhile Adam continued on the doll theme by asking her to play with Barbies and Iggy challenged her to a thumb war. Thankfully DeMario broke up the party when he showed up at the gates, because I wasn’t going to survive much more. DeMario told security man Pauly and Chris Harrison that he wanted to defend himself to Rachel since his character had been “assassinated”. Chris Harrison told Rachel that she must speak to DeMario for ratings could speak to DeMario if she wanted to, which like, duh, of course she did. Rachel stomped towards the end of the driveway while the rest of the men ran out the door behind her threatening violence when the episode ended. To be continued.
My reaction.
Coming up Next week
Next Monday we’ll find out what DeMario has to say for himself. We’ll also find out whether or not the men turn into an angry mob and murder him. I’d say that one is 50/50, there’s a lot of testosterone in that mansion. Also it looks like there’s going to be some more drama with country boy Lee at the helm. I can’t wait to see what he has hidden in that poofy hair of his.
My reaction.
top picks, No spoilers
Clockwise from top left: Bryan, Eric, Peter, Josiah
We received some pretty interesting infographics from ABC’s marketing department about who people think the top four will be based on the most common Fantasy League selections, because math. But, you all should know better by now than to think I would use logic to make my predictions. This is The Bachelorette where the producers heart rules, so Bryan, Eric, Peter and Josiah round out my top four this week.
What did you think of this week’s episode? Do you think DeMario has a chance of coming back? Why do I like Peter so much even though he was totally boring? Let’s talk in the comments.
