We are only days away from the Monday night premiere of Rachel Lindsay‘s journey to ruin her legitimacy as a successful attorney find love. So like any perfectly stable married mother of three I have been frantically refreshing the cast bio page at an alarming pace so that I could begin my extensive stalking research for the That’s Normal’s Fantasy League*. Leave it to the twisted minds at The Bachelorette to wait until the last possible moment and have Chris Harrison to steal all of my jokes – I mean announce the cast – in a live Facebook and Twitter event. What Chris, being a novelist, television host, failed menswear designer and final rose announcer isn’t good enough for you?
Finally, they’re here! Thirty one probably eligible men for Rachel, the 32 year-old attorney from Dallas to pretend to like while going on increasingly uncomfortable dates until Stockholm Syndrome convinces her she’s in love with one of them. But never fear, we get to judge them first. Before dating Nick Viall on the last season of The Bachelor, Rachel admitted she had never dated a white man. Is it too much to hope that the first black Bachelorette will get at least half of her cast to be the ethnicity she is typically attracted to? (Spoiler alert: the answer is yes, that was too much to hope for; but it’s still the most diverse cast to date.)
Don’t worry, I judged their cast bios and came up with a completely arbitrary scoring system so you didn’t have to.
Adam – 27, Real Estate Agent
My first impression of Adam is that he is your typical basic bro with a fear of snakes, appreciation for Jennifer Lawrence, and a history of playing collegiate football. The fact that he said his most embarrassing moment was telling his mom that he was going on The Bachelorette made me literally LOL which is hard to do because this show has left me cold and broken. Then he had to go and ruin it by saying the most romantic present he has ever received is a threesome. The only threesome I find romantic is when avocados are buy 2 get 1 free at the grocery store.
2 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Alex – 28, Information Systems Supervisor
It’s hard not to look at Alex and consider the beautiful Cara Delevingne eyebrows your future children could have with the handsome man who thinks giving a car as a gift is “practical”. Sure, it’s gross that he once ate a live salamander, but I once ate a banana slug to impress a boy (hint: it didn’t work) so no one is perfect. Alex appears to be self-aware and the fact that he prefers aggressive, go-getter type women is a plus considering that describes Rachel perfectly. But choosing Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as his favorite artist makes me question everything.
4 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Anthony – 26, Education Software Manager
Admittedly, Anthony is on the younger side of things and he should probably hide that bump on his head with some hair, but that’s literally the only bad things I can say about him. He’s tall at 6’3″, a Fulbright Scholar, well-traveled, well-read, self-describes as emotionally intelligent, and claims to be adventurous in the bedroom. Plus, if he could switch places with anyone for a day he would pick his mom so that he could “understand her better”. Where do I send his invitation to Thanksgiving dinner?
5 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Blake E. – 31, Aspiring Drummer
Just in case you missed it above, yes, Blake E.’s occupation is “Aspiring Drummer” just like that one guy you dated in 10th grade who was really into Blink 182. Things didn’t work out so well for that guy either, did they? Blake E. has good hair and dimples hidden in a well-groomed beard but, alas, hates “parking ticket people,” cats, and his “crazy” ex-fiance. Oh we can’t forget that if he could watch any movie right now he would pick 50 Shades of Grey. I’ve read enough.
1 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Blake K. – 29, U.S. Marine Veteran
Unlike the aforementioned Aspiring Drummer, this Blake has a job or at least a pension because he’s a veteran. God bless America. Blake admires his mother more than anyone else in the world, but if he could trade places with anyone for one day he would choose Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson because he looks “cool wearing a fanny pack.” Did these guys have Dwayne Johnson binge night at the sleepover the night before they answered these questions? Blake is afraid of sharks like any sane person would be and says Chipotle is his life. I’m pretty sure he stole those last two from my diary.
5 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Brady – 29, Male Model
My first instinct when perusing the bio of Brady the male model was to completely dismiss him with a eye roll. I mean really, a male model who wants to trade places with Channing Tatum for one day? Yawn. But then he said the person he dislikes the most in the world is Mike the Situation from Jersey Shore and that the most romantic gift he ever received was sweatpants and I was like, “okay, we can work with this.”
4 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Bryan – 37, Chiropractor
My first impression of Bryan is that he gives all the right answers which, because I’m old and cynical, makes me skeptical about the Spanish speaking elder statesman of the group. For instance, if he could trade places with anyone for the day it would be Bill Gates; not because he’s rich, but because he wants to feel what it would be like to give billions of dollars to charity. Bryan had a few cringe-inducing answers to questions about his sex-life, but he saved it by admitting that wearing JNCO Jeans was the most embarrassing style choice he ever made. I don’t even need to see photographic proof to know that’s true.
4 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Bryce – 30, Firefighter
I’m convinced that the term “square jawed” was coined with someone like Bryce in mind. Check out the mandible on this guy. I feel manlier just looking at it. According to his bio, Bryce is confused and thought they asked him to write an energy drink ad because he describes himself as “laid back with a shot of gasoline” and a “fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning”. His biggest dating fear is that the “chick is actually dude” so there’s that fun little tidbit of transphobia. Oh and his dream job is to be a Professional Instagrammer which means he’s in luck because that’s pretty much all anyone does after they leave The Bachelorette.
2 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Dean – 26, Startup Recruiter
Sorry guys, I got lost in Dean’s eyes for a second. Is this man made for a boy band poster or what? Dean appears to have had a rough upbringing and we all know how The Bachelorette feels about a sad backstory. His mom passed away when he was young and his favorite memory involved watching a demolition derby from the roof of his mobile home so I think we are in for a good one. Dean doesn’t like being bitten by his dates and thinks marriage is an “institutionalize sham derived from religious beliefs” so there’s no way this doesn’t work out well for our entertainment factor.
3 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
DeMario – 30, Executive Recruiter
I’m just going to go ahead and state the obvious that DeMario is 6’4″ and really hot. Like my notes from the first time I saw his photo say, “hellllloooo DeMario”. I’m not proud. I’ll just say it straight though, reading his bio was exhausting. DeMario dropped more celebrity pop culture references than I do in one of these Bachelorette recaps and that’s saying something. DeMario says his greatest achievement is being a good older brother but he may need to adjust that to mention his ability to mention both Britney Spears circa 2007 and Charlie Sheen circa 2011 in one answer on his questionnaire. He has potential, but he also has the potential to completely exhaust me.
3 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Diggy – 31, Senior Inventory Analyst
At first glance Diggy reminded me of Randall from This is Us so I’m sold. According to his bio, Diggy likes to be the center of attention and to try things outside of his comfort zone on dates. He was once stranded on a toilet for hours in the 5th grade and pretended to be asleep instead of help his one night stand find her missing brother. Um, Randall from This is Us would never do that Diggy, pull it together.
3 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Eric – 29, Personal Trainer
It was only a matter of time before we got our first personal trainer of the season and here he is in all his glory. Here’s my impression of Eric from his bio: he’s broke. No hear me out, money isn’t the most important thing, especially when ABC is footing the bill for the duration of your relationship, but if Eric could travel back to any other time period he would go before “money was involved.” I mean really, what does he want to do, bargain his physical training skills for his dream trip to New Orleans for Mardi Gras? I’m suspicious.
3 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Fred – 27, Executive Assistant
Okay, I know Fred claims to be 27, but I’d believe you if you told me he was actually 45 based on his photo. Then I read his bio and now I’d believe you if you told me he was 19. What kind of 27 year-old man admits to having to hide behind his desk at work because he gets aroused or that his biggest dating fear is having his card declined? I’m very impressed that Fred finished two graduate degrees simultaneously, but he comes off as so earnest that I just can’t even.
2 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Grant – 29, Emergency Medicine Physician
Grant is a doctor and quite frankly he seems like the kind of person who is definitely going to make sure you know that about him within moments of meeting him. He said he prefers to be the center of attention while “appearing to maintain a humble outlook” because it “allows others to envy and respect you more.” Gross. Ice Ice Baby is one of his favorite songs because he used to sing it at Bar Mitzvahs. I didn’t make that up.
1 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Iggy – 30, Consulting Firm CEO
Please don’t let the name confuse you, this is Iggy not Diggy, because those are both perfectly reasonable names to have on this season of The Bachelorette. Iggy is a man of few words. He says his 3 best attributes are being passionate, loyal and witty, but when asked his 3 worst attributes he gave the same answer. He hates when his dates are “dumb” but also claims Grandma’s Boy as one of his favorite movies so there’s that.
2 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Jack Stone – 32, Attorney
Jack Stone’s name brings up a lot of questions for me. Is Stone his last name? Is it like when everyone started spelling Jackson as Jaxon after Sons of Anarchy got popular? I need the backstory. Jack Stones’s bio was perfectly pleasant. He likes tulips, reading Grisham, pretty much all music and he admires his mom more than anyone for how she handled her battle with breast cancer. He even pleaded the fifth on the invasive bedroom question. He might be boring but I plan to raise my kid to answer questions exactly like this only without the puzzling name.
3 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Jamey – 32, Sales Account Executive
I tried guys, I really tried. Jamey has a cute face, right? I can ignore the fact that he’s 5’9″ for that face. But I can’t ignore the fact that he comes across as a complete tool. What grown man at the age of 32 doesn’t have a single friend of the opposite sex? Not one. Better yet, what 32 year-old man “tries not to make plans in life” and says his ideal mate looks like a model? Go away, Jamey. I’m definitely not going to be your first female friend.
1 out 5 Dramatic Roses
Jedediah – 35, ER Physician
It’s possible that his name is causing me to be biased, but Jedediah seems like the nicest man. Like, one of the things that makes him mad is when kids get hurt, but one of the things that makes him happiest is new socks. Seriously, he’s the nicest. Then he mentioned in his bio that he loves to go dancing either country dancing or (wait for it) trap dancing. If I don’t get to see Jedediah the ER doctor trap dance this season I am going to riot.
3 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Jonathan – 31, Tickle Monster
Jonathan is a handsome divorcee who seems perfectly pleasant with one glaring exception: his profession is listed as Tickle Monster. Yes, Tickle Monster as in the thing my kids call me when they don’t want to go to bed after a long day but all I want to do is sit on the couch and judge millenials on The Bachelorette. He better have a good explanation for this, but I’m not counting on it.
1 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Josiah – 28, Prosecuting Attorney
I have a feeling that the casting process at The Bachelorette went something like, “quick hire every willing attorney we can find, Rachel will definitely like dating a bunch of her potential co-workers.” Even if being attorneys is the only thing they end up having in common, I think she’ll like Josiah. Josiah can’t dance and was once catfished by a pregnant lady, but he also likes long phone calls with his mom and describes himself as a natural born leader. Maybe they can start a law firm together if nothing else works out.
4 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Kenny – 35, Professional Wrestler
Once again Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson made an appearance in a bio when Kenny said he’d pick him as his lunch date. I’m starting to get a complex about it. At least this time they have something in common since Kenny is a professional wrestler. Kenny is a single dad, but that didn’t stop him from completely oversharing about his sex-life. I’m still not recovered.
3 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Kyle – 26, Marketing Consultant
Kyle comes across as a confident, opinionated person which is great because that’s clearly what Rachel is attracted to. It’s weird that he says he chooses gluten-free options when possible even though he is not really sure what it is, but whatever. I just want to be in the room when he brings up his admiration of Ed Snowden and his disdain for corrupt authority in front of Rachel’s dad the federal judge.
3 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Lee – 30, Singer/Songwriter
Lee looks like a missing Wahlberg brother who got lost in the South and plans to use The Bachelorette to spring board his music career. Lee is country. From the horseshoe tattoo on his shoulder to the way he calls his grandma “mawmaw” there’s just no denying it. If things don’t work out with Rachel or on his inevitable van tour of dive bars he can probably get a family discount on a Wahlburgers franchise.
3 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Lucas – 30, Whaboom
Honestly, I could probably dig through Lucas’ bio and tell you about his love of a “good old bump and grind,” but I won’t. You know why? Because Lucas’s occupation is “Whaboom” and I have no words to describe my disdain for this made up profession. Get a job, Lucas.
1 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Matt – 32, Construction Sales Rep
Maybe it’s just in comparison to the pile of garbage that was Mr. Whaboom’s bio, but Matt seems like the kind of man I could have taken home to meet my parents (back in the early 1800’s when I was single). I mean, he said he’d like to be Matt Lauer for the day because he would be able to “help people start their day off on the right foot.” That’s adorable. Then he doubled down by admiring his parent’s relationship and volunteering with inner-city kids for the past 10 years. Sure, it’s weird that he likes the band Train so much but I’ll let it pass as long as he has a real job.
5 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Michael – 26, Former Professional Basketball Player
Michael is a former professional basketball player, but don’t get too excited because he used to play for a team in Bulgaria. I’m not saying that isn’t a legitimate career choice, but I am saying that he probably leaves that part off when he introduces himself in a bar. For good reason. Michael appears to be a confident laid back man who wears a goatee exceedingly well. I bet he was super popular in Eastern Europe.
4 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Milton – 31, Hotel Recreation Supervisor
Milton has a tattoo on the inside of his bottom lip, describes himself as a “good” lover, and thinks being romantic shows you’re weak. Someone stop me before a swoon. But wait, there’s more. When asked what he hopes to get out of this show he didn’t say unending love and devotion. No. He said he hopes to get “discovered” because he’d like to get into writing or acting. Shame! Never admit you’re not here for the right reasons until it provides optimal drama for us viewers, Milton. Amateur.
1 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Mohit – 26, Product Manager
Mohit had a pretty vanilla bio. He likes Elon Musk, dancing at clubs, and can get ready for a night out on the town in the amount of time it takes to watch Seinfeld. That last fact is oddly specific, but I’m going with it. Then he admitted to the entire world that the wildest thing he’s ever done in the bedroom involved Tabasco sauce. I really hope he meant eating Mexican food or else I think he had a health code violation.
3 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Peter – 31, Business Owner
I think it finally happened. I found my first crush of the season. It’s still early days, he could have a high pitched voice or get wasted on night one, but for now I’m reveling in the glory that is Peter. Peter is a three time Ironman competitor including once with a broken foot. He admires his brother above all others, likes Saving Private Ryan, and used to live in Greece. Among other admirable attributes he described his ideal mate as “motherly” and I’m a mom so I’m pretty sure I’m meant to follow him across all social media platforms. It’s fate.
5 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Rob – 30, Law Student
I’m concerned for Rob’s well-being. The super hot law student is well-traveled and spiritual, but he self-describes as a U.S. alien and we all know what the current political climate is. If Rob makes it to the traveling portion of the season will he be allowed to reenter the country? It’s a good thing there’s a plethora of attorneys on this cast that can work overtime to get him through customs. Rob may prefer a woman who pursues him, but hopefully not at the expense of his immigration status.
3 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Will – 28, Sales Manager
There’s something about Will. Perhaps it’s just that I’ve been staring at these bios for an unreasonable amount of time, but Will comes across as genuine. He loves to travel, considers himself to be romantic and is slightly shy which can be endearing in this group of show-offs. There’s just one giant red flag. The only thing Will isn’t willing to do for love is “be someone’s second choice.” You’re on the wrong show for that standard, buddy! This is going to be painful.
4 out of 5 Dramatic Roses
Well there we have it, ladies and gentlemen. Barring any unforeseen last minute entries (please, don’t let Nick Viall come back ever again) this is our cast for Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette! I am beyond excited to share this new season of love, lust, and a whole bunch of snark with you. I hope you’ll play in our That’s Normal Bachelorette Fantasy League. It’s super easy and fun. Plus, you’ll have the chance to win a Bachelor themed prize/bragging rights because I’ll hate you for beating me. Sign up here.
What do you think of this season’s cast? Are you distantly related to one of them so now all of your family will soon hate me? Do you think they provide the matching v-necks for the cast photos or bring their own? Let’s talk in the comments! I’m so excited!
