I’ll be the first to admit that The Bachelorette is my favorite child in the twisted Bachelor family tree. There’s a simple explanation for that; I love dudes. I love the way they make fun of each other, I love the way they immediately become bros, I love the fact that the competition is real, but always fun, and I love the way they look in a suit. You won’t hear any complaints from me about watching 31 men prove their worth to an accomplished, age appropriate, woman of color.
Here are the top moments from the premiere of Rachel Lindsay’s journey on The Bachelorette with gif reactions.
Introducing Rachel
The episode opened with the requisite b-roll of Rachel doing normal everyday tasks like playing basketball, arguing a case in court, straightening her hair, and getting sex advice from random octogenarians on the street. Don’t worry nice old lady she’s never met before, Rachel won’t “sleep with all of them.” Rachel seems to have it all, but she admits she has been too busy to find love. That’s good news for us, because no successful civil litigation defense trial attorney can truly be happy until she meets a man on a reality TV dating show.
My reaction.
Friendship Goals
Before she zipped herself into her gorgeous white gown and placed that weird ring on her fingers (Was it a rose? I think it was a rose.) Rachel invited her girlfriends from Nick’s season of The Bachelor to give her some advice. There was a little bit of gossip since one of the women had a friend of a friend who knew a man from this season (DeMario) who might not be there for the right reasons. Then there was a lot of advice about not getting stuck in her head and letting her feelings drive her. You know, everything your parents told you not to do when you started dating. Mostly though, the girl time was just a chance to tell Rachel how wonderful she is. Raven, the runner-up from last season, told her she “pulls the best out of us.” It was a really empowering girl time the likes of which you rarely get at bunco night.
My reaction.
Stepping up the fashion game
By the time Rachel met Chris Harrison on the hosed down driveway for his contractually obligated appearance I was ready to meet my future crushes the men. They did not disappoint. Okay, that’s a lie, several of them were extremely disappointing, but we’ll get to that in a minute. For the most part the casting department upped its game. The main talking point will be the fact that it’s the most diverse cast on any season of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette and it should be. That is a huge step in the right direction for prime time television and for this country. But, what most impressed me was their fashion choices. With the exception of that one guy wearing a penguin costume, these men were not messing around. Plaid, bow ties, smoking jackets, tailoring, contrasting lapels; it was like a London Fashion Week on normal dudes. They had it all and it looked good.
My reaction.
First Impressions Matter
First out of the limo and into my heart was Peter. I already decided that Peter was going to be my Bachelor husband in last week’s post, but in case you forgot, he’s perfect. Something about his quiet confidence and gap-toothed smile thinks he’s going to be around for awhile. He made a joke about being from Wisconsin (so was Nick Viall) and later offered Rachel chocolate, which she apparently hates because she’s some sort of cyborg. Actually, he didn’t do anything particularly impressive this episode other than wear a plaid suit and look adorable. That’s enough for me.
My reaction.
Over-Compensating
Blake E. was one of the few men who blindsided Rachel at the After the Rose Special when they started her season live. I’m still bitter about that. Blake E. was the one that kinda mumbled and wasted more of our precious time. This time around he was clearly embarrassed about that because he came out with guns blazing by arriving playing the snare drum behind an entire marching band. This was all kinda endearing, but not when you consider his introduction package which he spent the entirety of extolling his sexual prowess and alluding to his penis size. Blake wants to use his “PhD in sexual education” but also recognizes the need to “spend the other 23.5 hours a day” doing things other than sexing you up. If a PhD in sexual education only comes out to 30 minutes per day, he should demand a refund.
My reaction.
Hot for Teacher
One of the more awkward encounters of the night was when 27 year-old Executive Assistant, Fred whipped out his third grade yearbook. It only took a moment for him to flip a few pages to the eighth graders were sweet teen Rachel was featured. Yep, Fred had a crush on Rachel when she was his childhood camp counselor and now he has shown up 15 years later to declare his love. She was visibly uncomfortable, especially because she remembered him as “a very bad boy” and not the good kind.
My reaction.
Non-Consensual Touching
For some horrifying reason, Jonathan thought his first impression would best be made by having Rachel close her eyes, hold out her arms, and then tickle attacking her. Watching Rachel force a laugh as this strange man touched her without her permission was beyond uncomfortable. I wanted her to stop and tell him to take his hands off of her, but instead she just giggled uncomfortably as every woman has done in those kind of situations. I can only hope she returns the favor by hosting a group date that forces him to dance the Macarena naked in front of Ryan Seacrest for charity or something.
My reaction.
Playing With Dolls
At some point in the process leading up to this night, 27 year-old Real Estate Agent, Adam thought his best move would be to bring a 3 foot tall doll named Adam Junior along with him. Adam Jr. had a drawn on face, wore a suit that matched Adam Sr., spoke French, and was generally terrifying. I honestly have no idea what the human Adam was thinking. When has bringing a doll on a date ever worked out for someone? I once saw an elderly woman bring a doll to lunch at Ruby Tuesday. She fed it soup. I remember it to this day because, IT WAS CRAZY. Don’t be that lady, Adam.
My reaction.
What’s Wrong With Being Confident
One man who received more than his fair share of airtime for a premiere episode was 28 year-old prosecuting attorney, Josiah. Josiah is bold, confident boarding on cocky, looks good shirtless, and has a devastatingly sad backstory. In other words he’s Bachelorette gold. At seven years-old, Josiah cut his brother down from the tree he had hanged himself from. This horrifying experience led him down a path of crime that eventually led to his arrest for burglary. It was standing in front of a judge at twelve years-old that he decided to become an attorney and now he works in the same office that prosecuted him. How’s that for a story? Josiah was the first to steal Rachel away, he appears to be here for the right reasons, and I think we’ll be seeing a lot of him this season.
My reaction.
Wha-Don’t
You know every frat bro you regret dating in college? Lucas is all of them. I’m trying to think of something nice to say about the 30 year-old from Woodside, California, but I can’t. He’s the definition of white boy nonsense. Lucas has invented this word or lifestyle he calls “Whaboom.” Basically it’s just him yelling the word “Whaboom” with various seizure inducing theatrics. He arrived wearing a suit jacket over a tank top with the word emblazoned across it. He yelled about his one enlarged testicle through a megaphone from the limo window when he met Rachel. I think he juggled at one point and referred to himself as “big dog.” I don’t know, I’m trying to block it out. Everyone hated him. Blake E. the aspiring drummer became the season’s first vigilante by confronting his motivations. It was all a hot mess. So obviously the producers are going to make him stay on the show for the first several weeks. Whaboom.
My reaction.
Getting Diggy with it
If Peter has my devotion, I’m slipping Diggy my number on the side. Something about those glasses, his fashion sense, and his Michael Scott like facial reactions worked for me. Seriously, every time something ridiculous happened on this show, Diggy was all of us. Adam Jr. was dragged into the room by his little doll hands? Diggy wasn’t feeling it. Lucas whaboomed everywhere? Diggy wasn’t pretending. I think I’m in love. Don’t tell Peter.
My reaction.
Here Comes Trouble
At 37, Bryan the Chiropractor is the oldest man in the mansion and Rachel is feeling it. It doesn’t hurt that he oozes confidence, speaks Spanish, and flirts like it’s his j-o-b. Bryan isn’t my type, I find that whole “watch out, I’m trouble” persona to be obnoxious, but when you’re faced with 31 men, sometimes the aggressive ones help make the decision making process easier. Bryan told Rachel very clearly that he was here to find love, that he likes her, and then he kissed her. I say kissed, I mean forcibly attempted to removed her tongue from her head with his face.
But she liked it. In fact, she liked it so much that he got the first impression rose which led to another round of kissing. Honestly, it looked like he was a dog and the roof of her mouth was covered in peanut butter. Even Mohit, the drunk start-up guy (aren’t they all) was shocked by it.
My reaction.
the good guys
Honestly, there were so many men in suits introduced in this episode that it all started to look like a shockingly diverse episode of Mad Men. I’m sure we’ll get to know them as the season progresses, but several stood out as strong contenders from the start like DeMario with his gregarious personality or Dean with a face that can make me forget his cringe-inducing “I’m going black and never going back” introduction. And we can’t forget Kenny the professional wrestler who I thought was going to be obnoxious but ended up being funny and so sweet when he talked about his ten year-old daughter. They didn’t do anything crazy this episode, but you won’t want to forget them as you update your Bachelorette Fantasy Leagues.
My reaction.
Honorable Mentions
I’ll be honest, I don’t have the time or energy to flesh out every asinine things these grown men did for attention on night one, but here are some highlights:
- Will dress like Steve Urkel, faked a fall, said “Did I do that?” and then transitioned into Stefan Urkel. Obviously.
- Brady swung a hammer at a block of ice like those guys at the beginning of Frozen to “break the ice”.
- Lee arrived playing his guitar at eye level and singing a song with a country twang about Justin Bieber.
- Matt wore a penguin costume because they mate for life.
- Michael brought brownies and said, “the blacker the brownie, the sweeter the dude.”
- Grant arrived in an ambulance to save Rachel from, “dying from boredom.”
- Alex brought a vacuum and pretended to be part of the cleaning crew.
My reaction.
Rose Ceremony
There were longer lines to talk to Rachel than at the midnight premiere of Twilight, but she finally spoke to all of the men and was ready to hand out her roses. The first rose went to my man Peter and then she went down the line handing out 23 roses in all. That left Mohit, Rob, Kyle, Blake K. (biggest waste of a hot guy EVER), Grant, Jedidiah, Michael, and Milton going home. The best part of this was when Milton teared up because he never got to wear all of the outfits he planned. That seems reasonable.
My reaction.
Coming up this season
This season is going to be bonkers. We’re talking, girlfriends showing up, kissing on boats, men crying, and even some casual racism. Check out the trailer.
I mean..
My reaction.
source
My Top Picks, No Spoilers
Clockwise from top left: Bryan, Diggy, Peter, Will
I’m basing my picks for the season based on pure instinct, experience, and an ungodly amount of Bachelor and Bachelorette watching over the years. I always avoid spoilers like women avoid Lucas the whaboom guy so this is a safe space. This week I’m placing Peter, Diggy, Bryan and Will in my top four. I hope they’ve all been recently vaccinated.
What did you think of the premiere? Are you as impressed with her options as I am? Who is your favorite? How long will Whaboom stick around? Let’s talk in the comments
