Yes, I’m mean Valentine’s Day.
For many Valentine’s is a time to celebrate what truly brings people together – love. For the rest of us, it’s a day to openly hate on couples and eat our weight in heart-shaped Peeps.
Rather than dwell into the abyss of Single Awareness Day – an alternative card holiday Hallmark still refuses to acknowledge, those crowned assholes – I’ve decided to honor the men who have brought me feelings of wild passion, heightened pleasure, and burning loins (whatever those are). Men who have made me believe in true love, amazing sex that results in multiple orgasms, and sexual tension that slaps you in the ass but in a good, total consensual way that completely acknowledges that the woman has all the power in this scenario and the establishment of a solid, agreed upon safe word like “milkshake.”
This VDay, I’m celebrating more of my great literary boyfriends.
(Please note, as I write this post, I acknowledge how sad this may sound. I’m over it. However, if you listen carefully, you will hear the cries of my mother, mourning over the fact that I still have yet to provide another grandchild and this post does not bring me or even her one step closer. Sorry, Mom.)
My first list was a literary pornacopia of men – ranging from the highlands of 18th century Scotland to the South in the 1930s – who I always swiped right on. Well, technically I swiped left to turn the page but you know what I mean.
So what’s different about this list? I’ve discovered more fictional boyfriends. Do I really need a reason beyond that?
So, whether you are celebrating Valentine’s Day with someone actually there, or celebrating the fact there are only 24 hours in a day and it goes by quickly, here are more of my great literary boyfriends. Sorry it’s not a heart-shaped box of chocolates.
Book: The Hating Game
Occupation: Executive assistant, professional nemesis, worthy hating/staring/loving game opponent
Qualifications: Is there anything sexier than a man who continually promises to “work you so fucking hard?” Whether he was scowling at Lucy, kissing her passionately in an elevator, wearing days-of-the-week shirts, or color coordinating his entire life to match the woman he loves, Josh Templeman is the type of man you want to pick a fight with in order to get to the mind-blowing makeup sex. A perfect mix of soft and smoldering, he wooed all of us at That’s Normal, making us wish for our own hating game. An added bonus? His love for a woman who pushes the “Must Be This Tall To Ride” height requirement, giving all of us average (yes, 5’4″ is the norm) height women hope.
Ovary Melt Down Moment: “I fucking love your red.”
Book: One Plus One
Occupation: Tech millionaire, possible convicted felon
Qualifications: Okay, when you see author Jojo Moyes’ name, you instantly think Me Before You and remember your unyielding passion for Will Trainor. For me, Ed Nicholls pushed Will aside (terrible pun not intended) and stole my heart. Ed isn’t your typical millionaire – he doesn’t use his money or his power to save the day. In fact, you forget that he’s a man of financial means. But what’s the most beautiful about Ed Nicholls is that he’s one of the most realistic characters – he’s flawed and doesn’t make the best decisions – which you discover within the first chapter, doesn’t have or need eight pack abs, and sometimes breaks your heart. But he’s also kind, considerate, and puts that broken heart back together.
Ovary Meltdown Moment: “He dropped his head and kissed her. He kissed her and it was a kiss of utter certainty, the kind of kiss during which monarchs die and whole continents fall without your even noticing.”
Book: In Your Dreams
Occupation: Chemist, reluctant hero
Qualifications: Who doesn’t love a nice guy? Especially a nice guy who will step in as your fake plus one to your ex’s wedding? It doesn’t hurt that he’s completely hot and loves watching a woman unabashedly indulge in wedding cake. As the sole Holland brother in Kristan Higgins’ Blue Heron series, Jack meets all the requirements for literary boyfriend: vulnerable, heroic, gives panty-dropping kisses, and guilt that only love from a woman could assuage. He’s essentially The Bachelor without all the crying women and group dates that end in a violent squash game.
Ovary Meltdown Moment:”He braced his hands on either side of her and leaned forward. Oh, he smelled good. Like laundry detergent and wine and food and smoke.
‘Don’t go,’ he murmured.”
Book: Fox and O’Hare series
Occupation: Con man, former FBI’s Most Wanted, chameleon
Qualifications: It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a woman loves a bad boy. Sure, Nick Fox was on the FBI’s Most Wanted list, but the reformed (well, may be reformed) con man’s charisma and rugged looks make it difficult to find him guilty of crimes committed. Whether its bringing down crooked bankers or stopping maniacal billionaires unleashing biochemical warfare, Nick Fox uses his intellect and flirtation to save the day and steal our hearts. (Sorry for the theft pun. I instantly regret it.) Plus, he loves art. Albeit, he steals it but whatever – not every man can be perfect.
Ovary Meltdown Moment: “This isn’t the time or the place for me to go into detail about what you meant to me…So let’s keep it simple. You’re everything.”