While I’m no Jenna Bush Hager telling you how to walk and talk in West Virginia…
I thought tell you straight up, “This is the shit you need to live your best life in the winter months.”
1. Robe
A cozy bathrobe is imperative for strolling about the White House. Walking around naked scares Secret Service your family.
Women’s Terry Cloth Robe, LL Bean, $69.99
2. Glitter Marker
I’m tired of seeing protest signs with boring, flat colors. Next time you write “First They Came For The Muslims, And We Said Not Today Motherfucker!” do it with sparkly makers! Bling your resistance!
Crayola Glitter Markers, Target, $4.99
3. Mezcal
Tequila is so basic. Take your booze to the next level with Mezcal. You Outlander fans who pretend you like Scotch will appreciate the smokey smoothness. Since it’s from Mexico, get it before the Dear Leader creates a 20% tariff.
Bozal Mezcal, Wine Anthology, $43
4. Allegra D
I am sniffle city all year long. And the dust in my old house does not help things. I pop an Allegra D every morning, and BONUS: the pseudophedrine is a lovely appetite suppressant as I prep for Resort Season!
Allegra D, at your local pharmacy following a license check. Thanks, meth heads!
5. Polish
I’m flipping off a lot more people these days. A well manicured hand with polish from the new OPI Fiji Collection will give the bird some extra pop!
OPI Suzi Without a Paddle, Sally Beauty, $12.49
6. Eye Cream
Some days I wake up, look in the mirror and scream because I see the reflection of Kellyanne Conway staring back at me. Not today, Satan! A few swipes of this Algenist eye cream and I start looking less like a blonde Death Eater and more like myself. You know, a single mom in her forties who loves The Young Pope.
Algenist Complete Eye Renewal Balm, Sephora, $68
7. Casserole
God may have abandoned us, but he left behind a lot of good casserole recipes and Corningware dishes to cook them in. Comfort foods are key to self-care.
Southern Living’s Best Casserole Recipes
8. Jumpsuit
Come on, Jenna. Don’t put on a cozy coat. Put on a jumpsuit that incorporates one of the spring’s top trends (RUFFLES). Then you can go DANCING, avoiding a walk and conversations about that movie Hidden Fences.
Black Halo Jumpsuit, Saks Fifth Avenue, $375
