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If you were in grade school during the nineties you probably have a memory of sticking a floppy disc of The Oregon Trail into a giant desktop computer to spend 20 minutes fording rivers and hunting bison. It was a right of passage to spend money on things like pectin at the trading post, but what you should have done is purchase antibacterial gel and a degree in pharmaceutical science, because you were definitely going to die of influenza before you hit the Rockies. After this week, I can relate.
Like the brave pioneers who went before us, I spent the last week recovering from the flu while caring for my three needy kids. I may not have done it in a covered wagon, but I did navigate school schedules, complete homework, cook meals, change diapers, manage temper tantrums and soothe hurt feelings while fighting a fever and generally wanting to die. I still had a better week than Nick Viall did on The Bachelor.
Here are the top moments from the 6th week of his journey to find “love” with gif reactions.
At the end of last week’s episode, Taylor was left behind in a Louisiana swamp while Corinne and Nick absconded with the two-on-one date rose for a private dinner. They only had a few uninterrupted moments to bask in the glow of more oversize lanterns before Taylor came back to say two things. Sadly, neither of those things were asking where the lanterns come from. Do they haul them around the country or do they make a pit stop at HomeGoods before every date? We’ll never know, because all Taylor wanted to say was that Corinne is a lying liar who lies and that Nick shouldn’t trust her. This little interlude accomplished nothing other than stressing Corinne out, but she did gift us with a new Bachelor t-shirt slogan when she gleefully said, “Cats have nine lives, but bitches have two.” I don’t understand it either, but it made me laugh. Kinda like how I feel about Corinne still being on this show.
Apparently it’s now Bachelor canon to air the previous week’s Rose Ceremony about ten minutes into the next episode. At first I hated it, but after watching each episode twice this season (for a total of 24 hours – thus far) Stockholm Syndrome has taken over. So stop talking bad about them or I’ll go on a hunger strike, okay?
Nick decided to skip the cocktail party and jumped straight to sending women home. I was cool with that because really, they’re only ever going to feature Corinne anyway so they may as well stop buying airfare for everyone. Then Nick had the nerve to send everyone’s favorite aspiring dolphin trainer home and all bets were off.
What’s wrong with you, Nick? You don’t send Alexis home! She’s the only one with a sense of humor left on this show. Who is supposed to entertain us with cupcakes celebrating the one year anniversary of her boob job now? Who is going to dress up like a shark but claim to be a dolphin? Who will have an inexplicable, but justifiable fear of Nicholas Cage? I thought seeing video of President Obama kite surfing was hard, but Alexis leaving the Bachelor just pushed 2017 over the edge.
In addition to Alexis leaving (RIP sharphin) Nick sent Jaimi, the bisexual chef, and Josephine, the nurse no one knows anything about, home. That means he’s down to only 9 women. If they stopped now and invested in a passenger van they could just move to Nevada and get a contract with TLC. Instead they’re headed to St. Thomas where Nick and the women can finally show off their coordinating beach wear.
Nick awkwardly went down the line hugging each woman one by one before telling Kristina that she would be joining him on a date that day. They took off in a seaplane leaving all of the women (except Jasmine, she just cried) to feign excitement. It’s okay Jasmine, this show makes me want to cry too.
Kristina and Nick spent the day talking on a vista and kissing in the ocean before they really delved into her past over a lobster dinner. First off, Kristina has this really stunning Russian spy next door vibe which is totally on trend for our political climate. She’s gorgeous and sincere, although maybe a little young for our 36 year-old Bachelor at 24. However, she has clearly lived a life that caused her to mature quickly. Kristina grew up in a small Russian village where, at the age of 5, her abusive mother abandoned her for eating a tube of lipstick when she had instructed her not to eat. She lived the next several years in an orphanage before being adopted by her American family when she was 12. Who the heck let this poor woman sign up for The Bachelor? Hasn’t her life been hard enough?
Nick was obviously blown away by Kristina’s resilience. I mean really, the poor baby was so hungry she ate lipstick. If he didn’t give her the date rose I was going to check his freshly waxed chest for a pulse. They danced under a gazebo while a steel drum band played and native women danced. It was romantic in a weird cruise ship tourist kind of way.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel Corinne’s entire face is lighting up when she meets Lorna, the hotel provided “house mom.” Lorna explained that she was there to make beds, fetch snacks,and generally be helpful in anyway she could. I swear it was the first time I’ve seen Corinne be genuinely happy this entire season. It was like she immediately started formulating a plan to get her nanny Raquel’s cheese pasta recipe from back home. She looked at Lorna the way I look at the baby monitor when all of my kids are napping at the same time. Pure bliss.
The next day Nick and 6 of his girlfriends (Rachel, Corinne, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle M., and Jasmine) headed to the beach for their group date. Nick was looking forward to a nice relaxing day of drinking and playing beach games. Who are you kidding, Nick? It doesn’t matter how many times you do that weird impression of a dinosaur. This is The Bachelor; you can’t get six women who all want the same guy beach-wasted and then forcing them to play volleyball and still expect it to be relaxing.
The date slowly devolved from the women showing off, to the women being bitter about having to show off, to the women sitting in separate corners of the beach wondering what they’ve done wrong in their lives to lead them to that moment. Plus it was windy outside. No one likes to be at the beach when it’s windy, Nick. (Except President Obama when he’s kite surfing. I’m still not okay.)
Later that evening after everyone brushed the sand out of their hair (Really Barack, windy days at the beach are the worst. I don’t care what Richard Branson says.) it was time for the after party. For some reason Nick was under the delusion that things were going to be better than they had been that day. He was wrong. One by one each of the women told him how miserable they are. The competition is wearing on them. There are genuine feelings involved now and quite frankly, no one wants to see Nick flirting with their friends in front of them anymore. But while he was trying to encourage his favorites to not give up on “the journey,” Jasmine was losing it.
Who’s Jasmine? Exactly. She was frustrated with Nick’s lack of attention, but she made the unfortunate mistake of talking about it to the other women so much that by the time she finally sat down with Nick she exploded. No like, she mimed choking him several times, made thinly veiled threats of sexual violence and said she wanted to punch him in the face. The only time Nick likes to choke is when it comes time to propose so he sent her home early.
Rounding out a depressing week of dates was another two-on-one date for Nick, this time with Pilates Instructor Whitney and Small Business Owner Danielle L. I’ll be honest, I was pretty confused as to why Danielle L. was on this date. She and Nick had a good date in Wisconsin, she has received the group date rose a couple of times, and they have okay chemistry despite her being soft spoken. In comparison, this date was the first time we’ve heard Whitney string more than a couple of words together this season.
They started off with an awkward helicopter ride to a beach were there was bed covered in drapery for them to lounge on while he broke up with one of them. Dreamy. Nick took some time to talk to both women but it was pretty obvious that Whitney would be the one left behind when the helicopter took off again. What wasn’t expected was for Nick to also send Danielle L. home after dinner that night.
Nick sending Danielle L. home completely destroyed my final four picks so I’m pretty bitter, but I have a feeling we didn’t see everything going on between them. The way the women talked about her behind her back makes me think she wasn’t as well liked as I first assumed. How dare they withhold valuable information from us, don’t they know we have a fantasy league to draft?
For some odd reason, Nick took the break up with Danielle L. so hard that he went immediately to the other women’s hotel room to cry. I don’t know either. I mean, I understand that he is scared that this process isn’t going to work for him, but maybe don’t go cry about a breakup to the other women you’re dating. Do you not have a friend you can call, Nick? I know your mom is back in Wisconsin crying right now, tell her! There has to be a spare cameraman you can commiserate with. Where’s Lorna when you need her? Don’t go to the women who are already feeling insecure and tell them that you aren’t sure this is going to work out. Don’t be that guy.
This episode ended with Nick crying as he left the hotel, so obviously we are going to waste 15 minutes of next week’s episode pretending like he’s going to quit the show. I’m onto your games, Bachelor. The other women are going to cry a lot too and then Corinne is going to try to cheer him up the way only she can. With her “platinum vagine”. That’s a direct quote. I’m still too sick with the flu to make this ish up.
Honestly, I don’t even know anymore. I don’t think Nick even knows anymore. I think he likes all of them and none of them. Now that he ruined my top four by getting rid of Danielle L., I had to switch things up a little. But, really I could have put pretty much anyone in the top four because he has no idea what he’s doing.
Who are in you final four? We are definitely going to get to meet Corinne’s nanny, right? Why do you think Nick is crying so much? Let’s talk in the comments.
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