— Outlander (@Outlander_STARZ) February 15, 2017
Nice touch, Starz. How do you subdue fans from committing complete mutiny against your show? Film Sam Heughan waving goodbye to Scotland like one of those inflatable air dancers you find at used car dealerships. That shit’s going to be made in GIFs and used for My Peak Challenge tweets, fan award nomination announcements, and shipper theories for years to come.
But the September premiere announcement is bittersweet: On one hand, Starz is giving you back your summer vacations. On the other hand, you now have to wait a whole seven months until you see Claire and Jamie reunite, have sex, fight, separate, reunite again, fight about having more sex, actually have more sex, and go to an island.
So why the extra long wait? According to Starz, we’re all selfish bishes who want every little bit of detail to be just right:
“While ‘Droughtlander’ will last just a little longer, we feel it is important to allow the production the time and number of episodes needed to tell the story of the Voyager book in its entirety,” said Carmi Zlotnik, President of Programming at Starz. “The scale of this book is immense, and we owe the fans the very best show. Returning in September will make that possible.”
Good job, fans. It’s all your fault. You just couldn’t be happy with the WWE wrestling match from season 2.
Of course, at That’s Normal, we weren’t really satisfied with this reason. (i.e. We started texting each other with “real” reasons, which included but not limited to the following: Russian hacking, making us the same age as Claire is in the third book, making us truly understand how long their separation actually was, September is a month where people don’t recognize racist stereotypes – *coughs* Willoughby *coughs*.)
But why not take it a step further? Fueled by the love of Outlander and the love of hating on Trump’s press corp, I decided to hold a That’s Normal news conference over #outlanderseason3 gate. Who’s answering the questions? Anyone you want it to be: Ron, Maril, one of the Outlander cast drivers, the voice in Sam’s head.
Disclaimer: the following “news conference” is nothing more than a joke. I’m pretty sure someone will try to outsplain me. Just be forewarned, I’ve been reading a lot of Kellyanne Conway and I’m prepared to go full throttle Conway if need be.
That’s Normal’s Totally Fake News Press Conference
Just a reminder that I did interview Sam and Cait once. Also, RIP my bangs.
That’s Normal: Does this premiere push back have anything to do with building Outlander’s viewership?
“Listen, Outlander is the biggest show on right now and in the history of television. We don’t have the numbers, but it’s the biggest.”
That’s Normal: What’s your opinion on the fans’ reaction to the show not premiering until the fall?
— Erika (@kanjymyhoorbru) February 15, 2017
— Jodi (@jodi_archer09) February 15, 2017
“We’ve gotten overwhelming support from all the fans. They tweet us all the time that they want Outlander later, not sooner. They’re all just thrilled. The other tweets of GIFs of people weeping or jumping out of windows? That’s just fake tweets.”
That’s Normal: Wait, to say “all” fans are excited is a falsehood. Many fans were hoping for a late Spring, early summer premiere. In fact, many of them were led to believe that Outlander would be starting sometime in April. How will you respond to that?
“Don’t be so overly dramatic about it. You say falsehood but what we have are alternative facts. There’s really no way to quantify fans.”
The typical reaction when you hear “alternative facts.”
That’s Normal: But you said “all” fans in your previous statement. Now you just said you can’t quantify fans.
“We mean real fans. Real fans love waiting seven months. Poll results that show fans wanted an April release were unsubstantiated or fake fans voted illegally.”
That’s Normal: Many people have voiced concern that the show being moved to Sunday nights will be facing difficult competition from fan favorites such as Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, what ever spin off CSI is pushing. With the move to September, there’s even bigger worry that it’s going to be lost among those shows and even football. How will you secure that audience?
“Outlander is bigger than those shows. Yes, Game of Thrones had 11 million people tune into their premiere. Sure, Walking Dead had 17 million viewers. But Outlander has sold 20 million copies. That’s bigger than 11 and 17 million, people.”
That’s Normal: Um, but that’s the book. The book sold 20 million copies.
“There goes the liberal media again, spinning our words out of context. The show is based on the book, so we count those people, too. We also count people twice who’ve read the book and watched the show. Oh, and people who watched Sam Heughan’s Princess for Christmas. We take full credit for that.”
And so the countdown to September begins. How will you ever fill that time? Here are a few suggestions:
- Rewatch both seasons of Outlander.
- Rewatch all our Hangoutlanders, taking notes on how much wine is actually consumed. Hint: we’re drunk sometimes.
- Take up sewing and make Sam Heughan a quilt with photos of his ass interspersed throughout in the hopes he takes a picture with it.
- Start a Twitter campaign for #Emmy4Outlander, even though they probably won’t be eligible.
- Relive Tiff’s SnapChat artistic skills with Snaplander.
- Light prayer candles for Caitriona Balfe, praying to give her strength when she’s asked if she and Sam are really dating.