If you can’t remember who is left on this season of The Bachelor, it’s okay; neither can literally anyone. Thankfully the good people over at companyreviews.com hilariously morphed all of the women’s cast pictures into a single, perfectly coiffed and predictably attractive woman. No one tell Nick, he’ll probably propose to it.
Here are the top moments from The Bachelor’s third week of Nick’s “journey” with gif reactions.
Cocktail Confessions
I’m certain you haven’t been fortunate enough to forget that last week’s episode left us hanging with the bombshell not at all surprising announcement that Nick had a sexual history with Liz. Liz went home but the drama remained. When we finally got the cocktail party we deserved, Nick and his floral tie chose to address the sexually active elephant in the room by baldly announcing, “We had sex,” with this weird smirk on his face that was part awkwardness, part pride and wholly obnoxious. Obviously none of the women could believe that Nick “I tell everyone my sexual conquests” Viall had been celibate since birth so the resulting outrage was contrived. However, it was telling that he made sure to check in with a few of the women in particular. Playing favorites with Danielle L. and Vanessa already, Nick? I see you.
My reaction.
Blame it on the alcohol
After Nick stopped groveling for his completely predictable past, our favorite 24 year-old with a nanny had a special surprise in store for him. Corinne stripped out of her dress, tied on a trench coat, grabbed a can of whipped cream and attempted to seduce Nick. Remember that one scene in Varisty Blues? Yeah, it was like that but much, much, less sexy. Nick played along with her seduction, licking whipped cream off of her chest and kissing her until I wanted to gag. Eventually he pulled away because he knew taking it any further would upset the other women (and the entire viewing audience) but not until Corinne was thoroughly worked up. When Nick walked away Corinne ran off crying in the bathroom because her plan fell apart. But really, what plan? Did she expect him to sleep with her right there on the front porch? Don’t answer that.
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Honestly, Corinne makes me sad; she has fallen for the fallacy that sex equals sexy. But even sadder is her very obvious intoxication in nearly every scene. At what point do her actions stop being funny and start being dangerous? Is it really consensual if Corinne is so drunk that she sleeps through the rose ceremony like she did this week? How many weeks are we going to laugh at a wine drunk 110lb woman getting naked in an attempt to seduce a man 12 years older than she is? I’m not saying The Bachelor is better than this, but it should be.
My reaction.
Backstreet’s Back, Alright
Nick sent three forgettable blondes home (Hailey, Lacey, and Elizabeth) so the next morning it was down to 18 women when the group date card arrived. Chris Harrison gave a big speech about how they had really outdone themselves on dates this season and guess what, he wasn’t lying, because in walked the Backstreet Boys. Now typically, I’d be thrilled to make fun of the Backstreet Boys’ irrelevancy, but I saw them in concert last month and they killed, so I bow to their superior ability to cling to fame. For this date (prepare yourself for a list of names that sounds like a cheer squad’s roster) Danielle L., Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, and Corinne would be performing with Nick as background dancers for the band. This led to the unfortunate arrival of Nick in a tank top and gratuitous shots of the women gyrating in spandex.
After the Backstreet Boys were done plugging their upcoming Vegas show, they performed “Everybody“in front of a crowd while the girls and Nick danced. Corinne was embarrassed to be showcasing her poor dance skills in front of 500 people, but she really should have been more worried about the millions of people who watched her spread whipped cream across her boobs the night before. Then again, the booty shorts, crop tops, chokers and hooped earrings that made up their matching costumes were obviously purchased at Wet Seal in 2001 so maybe she had a reason to be embarrassed. Before Nick and his harem left for the requisite after party the band picked Danielle L. as the date winner which earned her the horrifying prize of slow dancing with Nick on stage while the other women shot eye daggers from stage left.
My reaction.
I need a nanny
After working up a sweat with the Backstreet Boys, the women changed into something less comfortable for the after party. Nick continued to build on his connection with Danielle L. who said she could see herself falling in love with him. Meanwhile, Corinne’s drinking led to her telling the other women on the date about her nanny Raquel. Raquel wakes Corinne up, makes her bed, feeds her cut vegetables for lunch and makes her the best cheese pasta. Aside from the fact that I’m not sure why Corinne calls Mac N’Cheese “cheese pasta,” I’m thinking she may be a genius. I’m going to sign up for Care.com tomorrow and hire myself a nanny. She’s living my best life. The other women were less than impressed, but they’re probably just jealous like me. Danielle L. got the date rose, but Corinne is probably somewhere having her laundry done right now so she’s the real winner.
My reaction.
Floating on Air
The next day Nick met 29 year-old Vanessa on an airstrip for one-on-one date that was so cool I was even able to ignore Nick’s speech impediment for a few minutes. They got to take a ride on one of those airplanes that imitate zero gravity like real life astronauts. Seriously, it was awesome. Sadly, Vanessa’s stomach didn’t agree because she spent most of the date puking into a bag. It didn’t stop Nick from touching or kissing her and Vanessa pretended she didn’t mind that a stranger was in her face while she revisited her breakfast. Yum.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and admit that I’m totally biased in Vanessa’s favor. She is gorgeous, speaks something like five languages, teaches Special Education and loves her family. Did I mention that she’s way too good for Nick? Because she is. Nick knows it too, because he is really into her. When he wasn’t helping her with a barf bag he was wiping tears away at dinner because she gives him hope that he can find love again. It was so cute and sincere that I think I’m falling for it. Curse you, Bachelor!
My reaction.
Track and Play the Field
Now that Nick is completely crazy about Vanessa he had to go and ruin everything by going on another group date with Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany and Dominique. I honestly had no idea that Brittney or Dominique were on this show and I write about it every week, so that doesn’t bode well. They met up with three legendary Track and Field Olympians (Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix, and Michelle Carter) to perform a series of challenges they called a “Nickathalon”. Mostly it was just an excuse to watch Astrid’s generous top half attempt to escape her sports bra. The date came down to a literal footrace between Alexis, Astrid and Rachel with the finish line being Nick in a hot tub. No really, the first person to make it down the track, grab a giant fake engagement ring, and hop into a miraculously placed hot tub with shirtless Nick won. It was the most Bachelor thing to ever happen on The Bachelor. Astrid won by default when Rachel dropped the ring, but the real winner was the publicist who booked this gig for those Olympians.
My reaction.
Worst After Party Ever
At the after party a little unnecessary drama unfolded as per usual. Dominique, who had exchanged a collective 15 words with Nick the entire season, chose to lambaste him for not checking in on her and trying to make her feel more comfortable. Nick listened respectfully and then told her to go home, but not before we wasted ten minutes listening to her complain. In the end Nick gave the date rose to Rachel (his first impression rose recipient) and we could finally put the whole day behind us.
My reaction.
Pool Party
Rather than throw themselves at Nick in evening gowns at a cocktail party, this episode ended with them throwing themselves at Nick in bikinis at a pool party. Also known as a guaranteed way to get footage of half-naked women rubbing sunscreen on Nick. Things were progressing as expected until crazy face Corinne came up with another plan to seduce Nick. For a woman who isn’t used to doing things without her nanny she’s surprisingly resourceful. This time she rented a princess bounce house for her and Nick to play around in. I mean, it was a good opportunity to show off the full range of her assets, but mostly I was just creeped out by the implications of using a child’s bounce house as a den of iniquity.
The other women weren’t impressed either. They approached Nick one by one to voice their concerns over Corinne but none came out swinging quite as hard as Vanessa. Remember, Vanessa is coming off the high of a great date with Nick so she felt a sense of ownership over him when she said “I’m not judging Corinne. I’m judging your actions.” It was enough for them to end the episode with her questioning whether he is looking for a wife or just someone to “F**k around with.”
My reaction.
Coming Up Next Week
Once again this week’s episode ended without a Rose Ceremony but we can rest assured that Corinne won’t be leaving us quite yet. That much was made clear when the scenes from next week were pretty much just her name being spoken in various levels of disdain from different women interspersed with clips of her talking about being the “owner” of a multi-million dollar company. I can’t wait.
My reaction.
My Top Picks, No Spoilers
Clockwise from top left: Danielle M., Rachel, Danielle L., Vanessa
I’m sure you all have locked in your top four for our Fantasy League but these are my current top picks. Despite his affinity for Corinne, at the end of the day I think he’ll end up with an accomplished woman like Danielle M., Rachel, Danielle L., or Vanessa. Or maybe I’m still giving him too much credit. I’ll never learn.
What did you think of this week’s episode? Do you agree that Corinne’s drinking has crossed a line from funny to sad? Will we ever get rid of her? Who are your top four? Let’s talk in the comments!
