So, why am I? Because I have faith. Faith that Scott M. Gimple and his merry band of assholes are going to have our crew rise up and crush the skulls of Negan’s army. Sorry, is that too graphic? Too angry? Too bad. They changed the rules on us, and I wasn’t asked if I agreed with them or not, so I’m feeling a little salty about it.
In all seriousness, I really love this show, and it’s not that I am emotionally upset over who died and that’s what’s causing my grumpiness. It’s just that I am honestly not looking forward to the amount of sorrow, dread, blaming, guilty consciences, and agony that we’re going to be subjected to over the next however many episodes are going to be in this season.
Let’s break down this season opener, crack open a drink, and try to stay positive about our group’s future.
**Spoiler Alert – No holds barred, I’m about to say some shit about some shit because of some shit**
Typical TWD
Last season all the actors, all the producers, all the people involved in this show said the same thing: season seven will start off exactly where season six left off. And to some extent, they didn’t lie to us. Season seven started with our group on their knees and Negan waving Lucille around like the beautiful bastard he is.
Photo Courtsey of AMC
However, what they all neglected to mention is that season seven would start AFTER the death of a character and that we would have to wait until about halfway through the show to find out who it was. Typical.
Negan, I hate you so much, I love you.
Negan, we need to talk, because my feelings about you are not okay. I really really really really like you. But you like to crush in people’s heads with your “vampire bat” (lamest joke ever) Lucille. Typically, I’m the kind of girl who says, “you do you”, but in this, I have to put my foot down.
Before we find out who met Lucille, Negan takes Rick on a little trip. Why was that necessary? Probably because Rick threatened to kill Negan. Not today, or tomorrow, but at some point in the not too distant future, Rick is going to kill Negan. We all want that to happen (except for the weirdo who lives inside of me that loves that evil, beautiful piece of poop). But Ricky, my man, keep your plans to yourself, because while it was certainly a badass statement to make it was also a bad ass statement to make. When one of your family members just got their heads caved in, and the rest of your family is still on their knees waiting to be next, might not be the moment to taunt the bat wielding maniac. Just my two cents.
So now, they’re off on a field trip to prove that Rick is a broken man and Negan is the dominant alpha man. Fucking gag me with a spoon. Or hey guys, just whip ’em out and measure them so we can get on with our apocalypse, ‘aight?
Photo Courtsey of AMC
During this testosterone driven moment of manliness, we’re treated to Rick fighting walkers in the fog (my most hated scenes because HELLO! Fog! Zombies! Danger!) and having to retrieve his hand ax to give back to Negan. We get to see a lot of that agony and defeat I was bemoaning earlier as Rick pictures each and every one of the group members getting bashed in by Negan. FUN.
Photo Courtsey of AMC
Side Note: who was that hanging walker btw? I feel like he was a little bit important but I can’t remember right now…
Photo Courtsey of AMC
Suck My Nuts
I loved Abraham. He was a sassy ginger with a foo-man-choo my late uncle would have drooled over. I knew he was going to die, not because of any advanced knowledge or anything, but just because he made the most sense. As soon as he started talking to Sasha about babies and the future – that’s it. He gone.
Photo Courtsey of AMC
Right up until the end, Abraham was giving him hell too. “Suck my nuts” will sadly be tattooed on someone’s body by the end of this week.
Dammit Darryl
So, we had our person get smashed. It was sad; it sucked, but it happened. So what was Darryl’s big idea? To bum rush Negan and take a swing at him. Not smart, my man, not smart. Because Negan uses that as an excuse to kill Glenn. Now, anyone who wasn’t expecting Glenn to die, just get up and walk away now.
Photo Courtsey of AMC
All last season TWD teased his death, y’all knew it was coming. He died in the comics! It was coming! But that didn’t make the scene any easier to watch as Glenn’s bulging eyeball told Maggie he’d find her.
Snot Bubbles
With the loss of Abraham and Glenn still cooling on the ground, I thought for sure I would be blowing snot bubbles right along with Rick, but nope. I held my tears back stoically. Mostly because I was so horrible disturbed by what I had just watched, but also because I had come to terms with their loss months ago, I refused to shed a tear.
Until the dinner scene, then I was choked up but still dry-eyed.
Courtsey of AMC
So now what?
So, Maggie’s still like in some serious shit with her pregnancy, and Carol and Morgan are still in the wind. Alexandria is still waiting for the conquering heroes to return. And Darryl is still bleeding and in the back of Negan’s van because he’s not done with him yet. So you know, it’s going to continue to be real terrible next week.
