What are you, made of time? I mean, you have Clive Standen instagram to trawl, Travis Fimmel pics to drool over , and, most importantly, Vikings episodes to rewatch before the season 4B premiere on November 30th – you ain’t got time for that! Essentially you want an “I give a hundred damns” costume on a “10 damns” budget. Fortunately for you, through That’s Normal you have access to the Half-Assed Crafter™ for all of your half-assed crafting™ needs.
Not only are the special effects half-assed, but so is the gif resolution!
I originally started this costume back in June, but almost quit after the 65% completed costume was destroyed in a fire less than a month before SDCC. No one was hurt, but my momentum was shot, and I was willing to let my dream of a bigger, badder ComicCon die. I spent the day after the fire with @blessamysheart, drowning my defeat in a bottle of rosé, when Amy flipped my shit by pointing out that being consumed in a massive blaze was just about the most Viking thing that could happen to a Lagertha cosplay!
Amy FTW!
WWLD? Lagertha would get her shit together and half-ass the bejeezus out of this cosplay! So I attacked the project with renewed vigor, and new constraints: not only did all materials have to be found in a thrift store, but also, because of summer travels, it all had to be made with technology available in hotel rooms.
Let’s get busy
I chose the “leather tunic” Lagertha shield maiden look, because her other fighting outfit includes chain mail, and as previously stated: hell no. I was able to use pretty standard thrift store fare for most things, and supplemented with some doo-dads from craft stores.
Required tools:
- pins
- wine
- seam remover
- an unnatural, and perhaps slightly dangerous, willingness to “wing the f*ck out of it”
- 1/2″ fuse tape
- iron
- a healthy appreciation for the absurd
The Tunic
I was struggling to figure out how to get a big square of fabric without spending a fortune at the fabric store when I stumbled upon the perfect thrift store solution: curtains! Bonus: when I receive compliments on my phat-cosplay, I can use one of the best curtain-related comebacks of all time:
#CarolBurnettisanationaltreasure
Materials
- Microsuede or heavy linen curtain
- Square neck tank top
- leather shoulder bag with thin leather straps
- brass paper fasteners
- 6 yards dark brown suede cording
- Dark brown embroidery floss
With the curtain draped over the the tank like a poncho, use the tank top as a guide, tracing along the neck, arms and side seams to get the basic shape of the tunic. Add 5/8″ around the neck and arms so you can fold back for clean openings. Use the half-assed crafter™’s best friend, fuse tape (slogan:”When you care just enough to not staple that sh*t together”*), to to create the hems around the openings. Cut small holes about 2″ apart down the sides, and lace the suede cord through.
*The half-assed crafter™ is totally okay with you stapling sh*t together.
Properly half-assing the detailing on your cosplay is what makes the difference between wearing a shieldmaiden costume and just wearing a curtain with an over-sized purse tied around your waist. By calibrating the level of bedazzling with your ability to give f*ck, you can disguise the curtain-ness of your costume while still having plenty of time to kill brain cells on social media!
Tunic bedazzling strategy: Fun with office supplies!
To add some leathery authenticity to your curtain, use the thin handbag straps for the vertical detail that runs down the front of the tunic. In lieu of using some kind of gods-forsaken leather punch to attach this this, poke slits every 2″ with an exacto knife and use good old-fashioned brass fasteners.
I mean, what in the hell is even happening here?
The neck and arms on Lags’s tunic are full of complicated embroidery. While this adds richness and authenticity to the piece, I took more of an “it’s 3 days before Comic Con, and I’m in a Comfort Inn watching a documentary marathon on the Discovery Channel while drinking wine out of a styrofoam cup” approach. In short, I did simple diagonal stitching around the openings with the goal of at least winning a participation trophy in bedazzling.
In order to replicate Lagertha’s “tunic-sleeve transition,” I cut the arms of the long-sleeve brown shirt off, and did all manner of needlework gymnastics to attach them to the tunic in Vikings-fashion. This level of effort was in clear violation of the half-assed crafting™ code of conduct, and like Icarus flying too close to the sun, it ended in disaster.
Heed my warning and DO NOT DO THIS! It’s a pain in the ass and it is fragile AF! Instead, just cut the neck of the shirt into a low scoop so it doesn’t peek up over the neck of the tunic, and call it a day. This strategy will save you not only time but also money in the form of bottles of wine not consumed.
Blue Undershirt Thing
Materials
- Blue T-shirt
- Dark brown embroidery floss
As a half-assed crafter, I take tremendous pride in not knowing what I’m making, or why I’m making it. For example, I don’t know what exactly the “blue undershirt thing” is called or what it is for, but I do know it’s pretty easy to make – just cut the neck ribbing out with a seam ripper and cut a small slit in the front.
Bedazzling strategy: “Doing this as fast as I fudging can while in line for a Thursday afternoon panel, because the Vikings panel is freaking tomorrow.”
Just sew some nonsense around the neck opening and MOVE ON.
Leather girdle
Also great for crafting the world’s most disturbing fake pregnancy belly
Half-assed crafting™ alert: leather is expensive! Nobody wants to pay 8 bucks a square foot for cow hide, especially if you are going to be wearing it over a bleeping curtain! Here’s where thrift stores come to the rescue again. You can find last season’s 4XL-sized leather handbags for $10-$15, and they are perfect for this girdle.
Materials
- giant leather handbag
- 3 yards suede cord
- embroidery floss
- 2 long leather belts
Using your seam ripper, eviscerate that handbag like William Shatner on a Cait/Sam shipper!** Sew the panels together at the sides, and cut a seam in the back for the laces. Using a the Lagertha photo as your guide trace the shape of the girdle with chalk and cut out. Pierce holes for the laces at the back seam. I recommend using loooooong laces for this, so you can loosen the girdle enough to get it over your hips, and not have to re-lace it every time.
**No Sam/Cait shippers were harmed in the making of this cosplay
Bedazzling strategy: Ric-rac to the rescue!
The detailing on Lagertha’s girdle is brimming with finely crafted metalwork, intricate embossings, and a whole bunch of “nuh-uh.”
Instead, fake it by hot gluing 2 rows of metallic trim to the girdle, and, for extra credit, paint the center section with some metallic paint (just don’t go too crazy because: Icarus). Then loop a few really long leather thrift store belts around your girdle to serve as “sword holders” (again with the technical terminology), and call it a day! Your sanity will thank you.
Ric-rac to the rescue
Wrist Cuffs
Materials
- small leather handbag
- Suede cord
- Paint
Rip your handbag apart, and use the front and back panel to make your cuffs in a vaguely trapezoidal shape
Recognizing that I would be attending Comic Con in the absence of my trusty valet, I needed to find a way to secure these without help. I cut pony-tail elastics, and knotted the ends through the lacing holes so I could slip them on with ease. Genius!
Bedazzling strategy: Put the paint down and step away from the cuffs.
Sometimes a “healthy willingness to wing the f*ck out of it” results in the “making of an extraordinarily ugly thing.” That happened with my cuffs. For real. In lieu of melting your eyeballs with the horror, I will instead share what I should have done. Option 1: Trace a super-simple Viking design onto the cuff with a metallic pen. Option 2: Nothing. Just leave it be. Seriously, just don’t.
Shield
By this point in the process your exuberance maybe running low, and you might be tempted to cut the shield. Don’t. Without the shield, you’re just another lady walking around in a curtain with a purse tied around your waist.
Materials
- foamcore
- paper bowl
- paint
- wood dowel
Cut a 24″ foamcore circle, and then cut an approximately 5″ circular hole in the middle. Score the foamcore with lines 6″ apart to make the ‘boards.” Paint the shield and the paper bowl, then hot glue the bowl onto the middle of the shield. Hot glue the wood dowel down the center of the back to serve as a hand hold.
Bedazzling strategy: Wood.
Just paint the damn thing to look like wood so you can finish it and get on with your life.
Pro tip: Pummeling your shield with a butter knife not only gives it a battle-worn look, but also helps relieve your crafting frustrations.
And the rest . . .
Here are some readily available items to round out your costume:
Leggings
Microsuede leggings are readily available on the web. Order these a size or 2 bigger so they read more like pants than leggings. Also, do not wear while waiting outside in the San Diego July sun for the autograph lottery. Two words: sweaty crevices.
Boots
You can wear any old low-heeled boots, and trick out the leggings in this totally authentic, totally half-assed way, the origin of which was recorded in this transcript from 794A.D.:
Lagertha: Greetings Harblyrgt the village armorer, these battle leggings seem a little floppy to me, and might impede my slaughtering. How should I fix them?
Harblyrgt: Hmmm, how ’bout just wrapping some of this scrap leather I picked up from Michael’s crafting hut around your legs, and securing it with the Viking equivalent of a stapler?
Kudos Harblyrgt! You have earned your place in the Valhalla of half-assed crafters™!
That just about does it -nowfor the moment we’ve all been waiting for:
Who wore it better, Katy or Katheryn Winnick?
Katheryn. The correct answer is Katheryn
Katheryn might wear this (and everything) better, but when you step out in your half-assed™ cosplay be prepared for the compliments to roll in! Compliments such as “Oh! That looks so home made”**, and “I get it: you’re Wilma Flintstone, right?” and, best of all, “you are excused from jury duty!” Not only that, but your look will serve as a sort of “cosplay tractor beam,” luring actual Vikings cast members into your orbit for keepsake photos that would have been awesome if you had just remembered to take off your *&(*^ing glasses!
So enjoy the spoils of your new half-assed lifestyle, and we’ll see you back here for all of your half-assed crafting™ needs!
**Actual thing someone said to me.
Have a great Halloween/Comic Con/respite from jury duty, and don’t forget to tune into season 4B of Vikings on History, November 30th!
What are you planning to be for Halloween? Do you prefer to duct tape or staple your costume together? Do your neighbors give out the good stuff, or lame Sweetarts? If they give out full-size candy bars, I’m on my way!
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