I just don’t like celebrations in which all the focus is on me. It’s why I hated my wedding. And now that I’m divorced, I’m a bit annoyed I put myself through the torture that is the rehearsal dinner.
I also don’t like cake, which is a big part of birthdays. I’m asthmatic, so I hate candles, too. I don’t even require the perfect present. Buy me a perverted Shoebox greeting card and a bag of plain M&Ms and I’m happy.
So I made it through October 26, 2015 to October 26, 2016. What a year.
- I got walking pneumonia.
- I recapped Outlander five or six times.
- I got a new car (Toyota Camry…baller).
- My daughter taught me a song about tacos raining out of the sky.
- I tried Blue Apron.
- I hired a dude to mow my grass (not a euphemism).
- I read 37 books.
- I saw a yak for the first time.
- I dyed my hair chestnut.
- I stopped wearing underwear to bed.
I’m crushing my early forties, y’all.
Since it’s my birthday, I can celebrate any way I want to. My boyfriend took me to breakfast this morning, so while my stomach digests those banana pancakes and link sausages, let’s celebrate by looking back. Let’s look back at my favorite videos from the past 365 days. Laziness! Laughter! The visual medium! Way better than Betty Crocker.
That Marco Polo Commercial
https://youtu.be/BjHK2Uczq7o
This commercial makes me laugh every time. Si! Scusa! Si, Sono qui. I’m Marco Polo! And the llama. WHY THE LLAMA?!
That Cop Dancing to Formation
This is the best way for cops to slay all day.
Obama Slow Jams the News
I’m with her, but damn, I’m gonna miss this man as President. “Does Obamacare cover burns?”
The Rock Explains The Rock Clock to Graham Norton
The Rock, who is probably my favorite American after Philip Roth, explains his alarm app, the Rock Clock. Get your candy ass out of bed! Plus, Jeff Goldblum.
Pop Music and Muscles
I am a sucker for a good sports montage. And this Olympics one has some of the most amazing athletes on the planet. Mo Farrah! Serena! Usain Bolt! Simone Bailes! Gabby Douglas! Michael Phelps! Chills. And I love Katy Perry so you haters can hush.
Elizabeth Warren Takes a Greedy Dick to the Woodshed
Senator Warrens reads the immoral, greedy, and fired Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf, and it’s glorious.
That Trailer for Other People
Other People looks so good. I can’t make it through the trailer without crying. No way I’m going to see it.
That David Pumpkins Guy
This is my new obsession. I cannot stop watching it. And the skeletons are…PART OF IT.
That Trivago Guy
PSYCH. I hate this fucker. I will never use Trivago because of this creep.
Dance at 106!
I want Virginia McLaurin to adopt me.
Kylo Ren Goes Undercover
Does that look like the calcinator?! I haven’t had my muffin yet, MATT.
Heidi Sees Colors
Heidi’s is our resident colorblind writer here at TN, and her husband gave her EnChroma glasses. “The sunset is purple. I had no idea!” Sob. “Are her shoes always that bright? They’re obnoxious.” Love.
