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Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Buzzfeed, Netflix, Amazon Instant and HBO Now — these are a few of my favorite things! If a too perky Swiss nanny sung that to me a few weeks ago I would have been all smiles and rainbows, but now — living in a rural country home with absolutely no Internet connection — it just seems like a cruel taunt.
Yes, you read that last sentence correctly. I have no Internet at my house. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Let’s start at the beginning, though.
We closed on our new property August 3rd, clueless that the house didn’t have high speed Internet. I remember asking the realtor briefly during the initial walk-through and she said, “Oh yes, in fact, one of the owner’s works from home!” After seeing a neatly organized home office — i.e. an ancient desktop and a fax machine, which should have been my first clue — I dropped the subject.
That brings us to the day we closed when the sellers hand us a slip of paper that lists all of the current utility providers. The Internet provider listed was a satellite company I’d never heard of. The conversation went like this:
Me: You had satellite for Internet?
Seller: Yes. It’s pretty fast and you get 6 GB a month for around $120. I work from home.
Me: On 6GB a month?!?
For those who don’t know, a standard movie on Netflix requires upwards of 4GB PER HOUR to stream. I immediately started throwing silent-but-deadly side eye to my husband. After the heart palpitations passed, we drew up an action plan that consisted of calling every Internet provider within a 50 miles radius. Turns out, only two companies provide Internet services to our address: the overpriced, under powered satellite company the seller used and something called ‘Iguana Net.’ It’s dial up. DIAL. UP. DIAL FREAKIN’ UP INTERNET! How!?! Why?!?
Most theories point to a “time bubble” surrounding our house.
Evidence #1: Our house was built in 1978 and still looks brand new. Even the inspector seemed surprised at the “like new” condition of the home.
Evidence #2: My car radio only picks up two stations at home: classic country and 1980’s rock hits.
Evidence #3: Dr. Who said this could happen. Twilight Zone, X-Files and Fringe too probably. All legitimate, scientific sources.
In the end, we opted to forego all Internet at our house. The options were too expensive and ridiculously slow on upload/download speeds. I have 1GB on my iPad a month, but that is it. So now I’m uploading this post from the comfort of my local library via their free WiFi. A few minutes ago I read a two-day old newspaper … for the news … like a damned savage … or a hipster.
Stay tuned for updates on what I learn, what I hate, what I love, and how I survive life without the Internet.
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