This past Tuesday the wait for a trailer was over as women in every continent dropped whatever they were doing – hopefully not holding a small child – and binge watched the new Fifty Shades Darker trailer as if their lives depended on it.
If you missed the news about the trailer, I understand. The hints were as subtle as my sarcasm.
First came the poster, which reminded us that Dakota Johnson still has bangs, and Jamie Dornan is still ashamed that he has to say the words “butt” and “plug” with a straight face:
I would say he was looking down at his Dornan D, but we all know that isn’t the case. Dammit.
Then came the preview of the preview because that’s a thing now:
So when the trailer was released, Tiff and I took it upon ourselves to break it down for you all. It wasn’t easy: we both have “Crazy In Love” haunting our dreams.
The things we do for you.
The Moment Before We Watched the Trailer aka The Confession
Julie: The poster for this looks stupid.
Tiff: Well, to be fair everything about these movies is pretty stupid.
Julie: So, so true.
Tiff: But I’ve totally seen the first one like six times.*
Julie: I may or may not own the unrated DVD. In my defense I thought it was going to show frontal Jamie. I was wrong.
*Tiff would like to remind people that her multiple viewings of FSOG were through HBO. I, on the other hand, have no excuse.
Tiff: I got myself a lemon cupcake, and I am ready to break this bitch down.
Julie: I just ate a spoonful of crunchy almond butter to power up.
Tiff: Fireworks? Is this some sort of metaphor?
Julie: I hope it’s a metaphor for Christian coming.
Tiff: Can you believe it will be two years since the first one has come out when this one premieres? I guess horny ladies never go out of style, so the fan base is still there.
Julie: “Forget the past.” What every person who read Grey has to remind themselves.
Tiff: Forget the emotional, psychological and physical abuse is more like it.
Julie: Exactly. Add some heavy piano music, a box filled with masks and forget about the fact he whipped her ass. #Romance
Coming to a Hobby Lobby Near You
Tiff: The masks are corny af, dude.
Julie: I think my friend made those in her beginning drama class when we were in high school.
Tiff: You can get them at the halloween pop up store that’s now open in every mall around the nation.
Julie: Get ready for Michaels to come out with their own line of FSOG masks right next to the puff paints and ready-to-paint garden gnomes.
Tiff: DYI Fifty Shades costume. Whip not included but encouraged.
Not Another Teen Movie
Julie: She looks amazing but I’m not feeling the dress. It looks like it’s from Contempo Casual circa 1995.
Tiff: Yes! The slip dress that Cher would have worn in Clueless!
Tiff: That overhead shot of the dance floor looks like a 90s teen movie where everyone breaks out in a choreographed dance.
Julie: That’s what this trailer is: a homage to 90s teen movies. You expect Usher at any point to put on Fat Boy Slim.
Tiff: Check it out now…the funk soul brother.
Hide Your Nuggets
Tiff: Is it me or does he look like the Hamburglar?
Rejected FSD Movie Poster of Ana and Christian.
Julie: Instead of stealing your Happy Meal, he steals your maidenhood.
Tiff: And your dignity.
Fifty Shades of Beyonce
Julie: “Crazy in Love” again? How much is Beyonce getting for this?
Tiff: She’s getting all of those dollar bills to take her man to Red Lobster.
Julie: It’s what financed Blue Ivy’s $15,000 VMA dress.
Tiff: But real talk, the original “Crazy in Love” is probably my favorite Beyonce song of all times because it’s attached to good memories. Obviously not sex dudgeon memories but good memories none the less.
Julie: Thanks, E.L. James for ruining another memory.
Most Likely To…
Julie: Those portraits look like senior photos for a yearbook. You suck, Jose.
Tiff: Oh my gosh, they are so bad. Like anyone would ever do a whole art show with those photos.
Julie: How the hell did he get a gallery opening for those? What is this? Life Touch?
Tiff: JC Penney’s studio. Doesn’t Christian hang them in his billion dollar mansion with all these beautiful art on the wall? And then there’s Ana’s senior photos.
Julie: What would be her senior superlative? Most Likely to Get Her Ass Spanked by a Billionaire?
Tiff: Most Likely to Reassert Patriarchy.
Julie: Most Likely to Show Her Nipples to Millions of Americans.
Tiff: Most Likely to Wear My Old Homecoming Dress from 1998. Most Likely to Lose Her Virginity to an Abusive Man Hours After Meeting Him. Most Likely to Have a Landing Strip Instead of a Brazilian. I mean, I really could go on and on.
Julie: I applaud you.
Getting Clean with Dornan
Julie: I’m not going to lie: this shower scene looks hot.
Tiff: I didn’t realize they were in their clothes.
Julie: I like that he’s the one with his shirt off and she’s fully clothed. Praise Baby Jesus.
Tiff: I thought that she had a crazy tattoo on her arm – Michael Scofield style ala Prison Break.
Jamie Dornan’s Body of Work
Julie: Okay, I paused here and I never want to press play: he’s doing shirtless pull ups.
Tiff: I swear, they must have read my post last year about wanting to see him doing pull ups more than wanting to see his Dornan D.
Julie: They better make this a full twenty minute scene.
Tiff: Him leaning over whatever he’s leaning over is all I ever want to see forever. He gives good lean. Love that shot of his scapula. Is that the right word?
Julie: I think.
Tiff: I googled it. I was right. Thanks, Human Anatomy 101.
Julie: His arm veins. Can you be sexually attracted to arm veins?
Tiff: I mean, I guess if I’m digging his scapula, arm veins are okay too.
The Moment We Realize There’s an Actual Plot
Tiff: Is that girl’s name Mia?
Julie: Yep. We’ve reached the “My Crazy Ex Girlfriends” part of the trailer.
Tiff: Better known as Lauren to those of us who read Master of the Universe.
Julie: Snowqueens Icedragon…
Tiff: Worse pen name ever.
Julie: It sounds like a stripper name you find in one of those online generators on FaceBook.
Tiff: And then there’s James – I mean Jack sexually harassing her at work.
Julie: This whole part screams, “Hey! There’s more than boning in this movie.”
Tiff: “Come for the sex, stay for the unrealistic and overdramatic plot.”
Julie: That’s going to be on the next poster.
Tiff: Oh, this is the one where Charlie Tango goes down. I couldn’t remember if it was the second or third book.
Julie: Let’s hope it’s also the one where Christian goes down.
Tiff: Haha! I set you for that one on purpose. Good work.
Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson
Tiff: Listen, I cannot get behind Kim Basinger as Mrs. Robinson. There are so many other women who are in their 50s that could have done this.
Julie: Is it sad that I just don’t see her as Marcia Gay Harden’s friend?
Tiff: Gillian Anderson would have made an EXCELLENT Mrs. Robinson!
Tiff: Maybe they should have gotten Melanie Griffith? Too far?
Julie: Never. He could tell Dakota, “That’s not how your mom did it.”
Tiff: Over all, I think the trailer is pretty good. It’s actually better than the entirety of the first movie.
Julie: All 90s teen movie references aside, it was a good trailer. I would definitely see this in theaters AND buy the unrated DVD. There. I said.
Tiff: I wouldn’t see it in theaters but I would DVR it when it’s on HBO, make a gif of Jamie Dornan doing pull ups, and make it an animated screen saver on my new iPhone 7.