For those staunch J-Aniston supporters who stuck by their girl from day one, now is apparently the time to celebrate a home full of innocent children being ripped apart. No, that’s cool y’all, keep making those snarky comments about how Angelina “deserves it” or that Brad is leaving her the way he left Jennifer. Never mind those six kids who are going through hell right now. You just keep munching on your popcorn and listening to ET!
Good thing there’s nothing else going on in the world right now. What with all this media coverage over a failed marriage, it’s good thing it’s been a slow news month, AMIRIGHT? Oh, wait…
It’s not that we don’t care about Brad and Angelina as people, we just don’t care about their divorce. You see friends, divorce, like marriage, is between the two parties that signed a legal document tying their lives together or breaking it apart. Just as we don’t care about their married life, we equally do not care about their divorce. It’s personal. It’s theirs. It’s not ours. It has absolutely nothing to do with any of us.
But EVERYONE is talking about it.
So we here at That’s Normal have compiled a list of things we care more about than Brad and Angelina getting a divorce. So, without further ado, here it is:
TN’s List Of Things We Care More About Than Brangelina Breaking Up:
- I might have to return this new cheese spread I bought at the store today. I’m unsure if it’s supposed to smell this terrible, but either way, I cannot eat it. Is it worth driving five miles to the store and back for $4.99?
- Why is the chip to air ratio in a bag of chips getting more and more skewed? Don’t try and fuck me out of my chips Utz. Fill the damn bags.
- I just watched my dog eat cat shit and then lick my husband. I didn’t say anything. Am I going to hell?
- Bekah is way more interested in the episode she’s on in The Night Of.
- Wait, I am really confused did Drumpf Jr. poison my skittles?
- Why DID Skittles change the green ones from lime to sour apple? Don’t they know sour apple is the devil’s candy? How can I make my “citrus salad” of lime, orange, and lemon now? They RUINED it.
- I’m still angry at the girl who ignored an older woman’s cry for help in the gym bathrooms this morning. The poor lady needed toilet paper and that young asshole ignored her pleas just so she could fix her perfectly styled “gym hair top knot”. You’ll be that old lady one day kid, and Karma can be a bitch.
- Danelle wants to know why Halls thinks that “Get through it” is an appropriate pep talk. New flash Halls: it isn’t. That’s like telling a kid with a broken leg to “walk it off”. #DickMove
- I’m curious as to why anyone ever thought Will Smith could rap? That shit is terrible.
- Why in the world would anyone bring back Jellies? They gave you blisters and made your feet look like they were sweating in a pink sparkly condom.
- Amy’s curious about who killed JonBenet.
- Furthermore, why would any parent ever agree to be on Toddlers in Tiaras? Did each contract come with a built-in social worker for home visits?
- Courtney is concerned that Summer may never end. It was 98° in her hometown today. YUUUCCKKK.
- I spent over two hundred dollars at the grocery store today. Forgot to buy more eggs, though.
- Patricia cares about the fact that painters tape sticks more to her fingers than to anything else.
- I wonder what else Patricia was using that painter’s tape on…..
- Beth is looking forward to the new Check, Please! comic coming out.
- How do baby carrots get made? Do they just grow little carrots? If so, how are they so smooth?
- What is it about turning thirty that makes all those little black hairs on your chin decide to grow? Is there a hair clock underneath my face that I am unaware of?
- Who was the evil asshole who decided overdraft fees are acceptable? Like, “yeah, I know they ran out of money and couldn’t really afford that tank of gas, but hey you know what sounds like a hoot? Let’s slap them with a $35 fee. Just for shits and giggles.”
- Bekah also cares more about finding a friend date to get tacos with her tonight.
- I care more about living 3 hours away from Bekah. Tacos are my jam.
- I wonder if anyone ever tried making taco jam. Like making a weird mixture of sour cream, guacamole, and taco meat.
- Shit, I also forgot to buy floodlights for the kitchen.
- If Donald Drumpf actually became president, would I have to start saying ‘ay’ after everything I say once I move to Canada?
- No less than six homes have come up for sale on my street since the start of Summer. Considering my very close proximity to an Army medical base, I am very worried that the zombies are coming.
- How much will a zombie outbreak depreciate the value of my home?
- Emily is genuinely upset that Panera doesn’t make the strawberry chicken poppyseed salad year round. In fact, it’s not available after Labor Day. We’re calling shenanigans on you Panera. SHENANIGANS!
- My dog’s feet smell like Fritos. I know this because she insists on resting them on my face every night since you know, we share the same pillow and all.
- I miss eating Fritos.
