170 Thoughts I Had While Watching the Bachelor in Paradise Finale

The saying goes that it ain’t over until the fat lady talented opera singer sings, but in the case of Bachelor in Paradise finale, it ain’t over until Neil Lane passes out engagement rings worth more than the GDP per capita of most developed nations. He’s like that one house in the rich neighborhood who hands out king size candy bars on Halloween. Things are about to get romantic.

Well, let’s rephrase that. Things are about to get romantic if you consider romance to be getting matching tattoos from a man named Chops or body painting your partner while a topless woman plays a wind instrument. Spoiler alert: both of those things actually happened this week. If that’s not the path to true love, I don’t know what is.

170 Thoughts I had while watching the Bachelor in Paradise finale

1. Now that we know Nick Viall is the new Bachelor why are we still watching Bachelor in Paradise?
2. I mean, as far as we know, he should still be dating silent Jen.
3. That may be the most accurate nickname I’ve come up with yet.
4. Honestly, Jen could appear on Nick’s upcoming season of The Bachelor and I wouldn’t even notice.
5. Just like HPV.
6. Lauren just removed her retainer in the opening credits like I did in the 7^th grade before eating popcorn.
7. It was gross then and it’s gross now.
8. Grant and Lacy are talking about how serious their relationship is, but my friend Tiffany just sent me a text to check out his giant nipples and now I’m regret the rewind function on DVRs.
9. I can’t unsee those mammaries.
10. His nipples are more erect than Evan after literally any woman enters the room.
11. He looks like he’s lactating.
12. That’s not that kind of milk Chad was referencing.
13. I’m disturbed.
14. 6 weeks of Paradise nonsense and it took Grant’s nipples to disturb me.
15. I may have issues.
16. These are the final two episodes and ANOTHER girl just arrived.
17. Stop wasting my time, Bachelor in Paradise.
18. It’s Tiara the “Chicken Enthusiast.”
19. Yes, chicken enthusiast.
20. I just got embarrassed to watch this show all over again.
21. Nick used his confoundingly efficient charm to get Tiara to give him her date card.
22. He’s taking Jen on Tiara’s date.
23. I hope they visit a KFC.
24. I could go for some coleslaw and genetically altered fried chicken right now.
25. Sadly, no Colonel Sanders. They’re hanging out at a carnival instead.
26. Obviously, Nick is scared to visit the fortune teller.
27. Probably because he knows his future includes 25+ single women filing through a Los Angeles area mansion in bedazzled gowns.
28. Jen is ridiculously pretty.
29. Also, she’s pretty oblivious to the fact that Nick only falls in love on camera.
30. Save yourself, Jen!
31. Lauren, the kindergarten teacher/retainer remover, should have invested in a Brazilian blowout before Paradise.
32. She has a real Gene Wilder thing going on with that hair of hers.
33. Rest in Peace.
34. Brett (or is it Brent?) says he has a better connection with Lauren than with Izzy.
    

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35. You know, Izzy: the one who dumped Vinny the DJ for the dude holding a lamp.
36. That’s a real thing that happened.
37. Now Brett is breaking up with Izzy.
38. How shocking that she immediately realizes how much she misses Vinny.
39. Sure, you miss your ex after the guy you left him for dumps you.
40. I think that’s the premise of every country song in the 90’s.
41. I didn’t actually listen to country music in the 90’s so don’t quote me on that.
42. Rather than sit through rejection at the Rose Ceremony, Izzy is leaving paradise “on her own terms.”
43. Again, she just got dumped. It’s not her own terms, she has no reason to stay.
44. It takes a special kind of delusion for her to think she can turn this situation around to make herself look good.
45. It’s going to be hard to look good when she’s dragging her luggage through the sand at high tide while yelling, “I’m in it to Vin it!”
46. BRB, I need to google if I can find that slogan on a t-shirt yet.
47. No such luck.
48. I’m going to be rich (in unsold t-shirts).
49. Izzy is calling Vinny from the backseat of the SUV of shame to beg for a second chance.
50. He said all of his feelings went out the window when he left Paradise.
51. Just like her pride.
52. Now Tiara the chicken enthusiast is eating chicken wings while a symphony of clucking chickens plays in the background.
53. I wish I could have given a standing ovation in the editing room when that decision was made.
54. It’s time for the Rose Ceremony where Wells is the only one undecided between 3 women.
55. I can promise that this is the first time this has happened to Wells in his life.
56. That is, up until people started watching his Snap Stories, because he’s hilarious.
57. Did I ever mention the time my five-year-old daughter sent a snap to Wells without me knowing it?
58. She explained it by saying, “It was only a picture, not a video!”
59. Clearly her teenage years are going to be a breeze.
60. Wells is making out with all of the single ladies like a groomsman after the bouquet toss.
    

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61. Except Shushanna. Shushanna isn’t having it.
62. She and her tongue ring are leaving.
63. I wonder if it’s harder to say her name with that piercing.
64. Now I keep imaging saying “Shushanna” with a lisp.
65. You should try it. It’s hilarious.
66. It’s Rose Ceremony time and things are progressing as usual.
67. Josh and Amanda, Nick and Jen, Grant and Lace, and Evan and Carly are all solid couples.
68. If anything (other than Evan’s genitals in a cool breeze) is solid on this show.
69. Even though he sent Izzy home, Brett decided not to give his rose to anyone else, because he didn’t want to take a stranger to the fantasy suite.
70. First off, that has to be the first time anyone has ever said that on this show.
71. Second, I thought Bachelor in Paradise was one big fantasy suite the whole time.
72. Everything I’ve ever believed is a lie.
73. Wells gave Ashley his rose which sent Jamie and Tiara home.
74. Ashley is calling it her first “non-friendship rose” in Paradise, but I’m pretty sure she meant “every rose I’ve been given is because the producers know I’m good TV.”
75. Although, “all is Wells that ends Wells” is a solid tagline.
76. He needs to trademark that immediately.
77. Wells and Ashley would have pretty babies…
78. Pretty predisposed to alcoholism and emotional instability, I mean.
79. Everyone is wondering if Ashley will go to the fantasy suite with Wells.
80. Because she’s a virgin. In case you forgot, or suddenly decided you care.
81. Sorry, I got distracted with Facebook stalking Evan’s ex-wife.
82. That’s normal.
83. It looks like Ashley is having a Sandra Dee moment.
84. Sing it with me, “Wholesome and pure, oh so scared and unsure, a poor man’s Sandra Dee.”
85. Wells is having pre-performance anxiety, because he doesn’t want to rama lama ka dinga da dinga dong with her.
86. This is going to be a most entertaining disaster.
    

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87. He broke up with her while wearing a striped tank top reminiscent of an old-timey bathing suit.
88. On a scale of 1 – Kim Kardashian, I’d only give Ashley’s cry face a 4.
89. Then again, Ashley isn’t crying because Wells ended things, but because she didn’t get to that point that she wanted to get to.
90. Does she mean sex or is there like a punch card for days you spend on a Bachelor Nation show?
91. I bet Nick knows.
92. I wonder if after the 4^th season you get a special reward.
93. Like a psych evaluation.
94. Chris Harrison is back wearing another long sleeve flannel shirt.
95. He’s probably getting into character for his upcoming romance novel about a lumbersexual and the 25 women who love him.
96. I made that up, but I’d totally read it.
97. He’s telling the four remaining couples that they are going on individual overnight dates.
98. Also known as how I ended up with baby #3.
99. Rather than go on a normal date, Grant and Lace are getting matching tattoos that say “grace” because they have grown through the grace of God.
100. Just kidding, it’s because grace is the combination of their names. Grant + Lace = Grace.
101. Yes, seriously.
     
102. Also, they’re getting tattooed in Mexico by a bearded white man named Chops.
103. Chops may or may not be 7 months pregnant and have a colorful tattoo covering his belly.
104. I know this because he has all but the top button of his shirt undone.
105. I give up.
106. Jen and Nick are paddle boarding and avoiding serious conversations on their date.
107. Probably because he is busy thinking about his new training regimen in preparation for the requisite shots of him showering on The Bachelor.
108. Evan and Carly are body painting while a topless woman plays a wind instrument.
109. I don’t even know anymore.
110. Amanda and Josh are playing soccer with a group of little kids on their date.
111. That makes sense, because obviously the only way she’ll know if he’s ready to meet her two daughters is if she see him run around in circles with strange children for approximately 30 minutes.
112. I want to see him pack a school lunch while changing a diaper and applying mascara in commute traffic.
113. Evan told Carly that he’s in love with her and that he’s never felt like this in his whole life.
114. Reminder: he was previously married with three kids.
115. Carly loves him too though and honestly, it’s kinda adorable.
116. I don’t even recognize myself anymore.
117. Nick said that he might wake up in the morning and feel like he’s in love with Jen.
118. Sure, make certain to sleep with her before you decide. That worked out for you really well on The Bachelorette.
119. Honestly, his season of The Bachelor is going to be amazing.
120. Based on the uncomfortable moaning playing in the background, Josh and Amanda are in love too.
121. That or he’s eating pizza again.
122. It’s the morning after overnights. You can tell by the matching hotel robes everyone is wearing to cover their shame.
123. You know Carly is in love when she makes heart eyes when Evan makes up a poem that rhymes her name with barley even though she’s gluten free.
124. On the other hand, Grant woke up scared that he hasn’t had enough time to get to know Lace before proposing.
125. In his world 6 weeks is long enough to get matching tattoos but not a free diamond courtesy of ABC.
126. Those are priorities that I don’t want to understand.
127. Lace is afraid that if they don’t get engaged they won’t make it.
128. She should get pregnant while she’s at it. That always helps.
     

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129. Jen wants to leave Paradise holding hands with Nick.
130. Too bad his hands will be full with his Bachelor contract.
131. Amanda is telling Josh about her morning routine with her kids and all he wants to know is how early they wake up.
132. TOO EARLY. YOU’LL NEVER SLEEP IN AGAIN. RUN.
133. Neil Lane is in the house.
134. Evan said that he never intended to get engaged or married again.
135. So, why did you sign up for The Bachelorette?
136. Rude.
137. There’s a never ending supply off-the-shoulder dresses in Paradise.
138. Evan and Carly are up first on the platform of empty pottery and ferns.
139. Okay, so his profession of love is actually really sweet.
140. I think I’m a believer.
141. He just proposed by saying, “Will you freaking marry me?”
142. I don’t believe anymore.
     

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143. She enthusiastically accepted, so engagement number one is in the bag.
144. I wish them a lifetime of happiness and pop culture relevance.
145. But I wouldn’t count on it.
146. Next up is Grant and Lace who still hasn’t managed to figure out what to do with that weave.
147. Grant is proposing while Lace full on sobs.
148. Her eyelashes look like a caterpillar died on her face.
149. That’s a compliment.
150.  Okay, is it the music or is this super sweet?
151. Why am I such a sap?
152. I blame Jane Austen.
     

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153. Here come Nick and Jen.
154. Jen is proof that being beautiful and kind is wonderful, but so, so boring.
155. She is telling Nick that she has fallen in love with him, but Nick has yet to make eye contact with her.
156. Now he’s crying harder than he does at his monthly chest waxing appointments.
157. He said, “something is telling me to say good bye.”
158. Yeah, like the opportunity to BE THE BACHELOR.
159. Don’t pretend, Bachelor in Paradise. We are on to you.
160. This is the most emotion Jen has shown this entire season.
     

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161. I’m still excited about Nick being The Bachelor, but I’ll be watching with side-eye.
162. The final couple on the platform is Amanda and Josh.
163. They love each other, blah blah blah.
164. He and his profuse sweating annoy me.
165. Josh even proposes forcefully.
166. Hey! Andi was right, Josh does prefer blondes.
167. She never should have torn up those lie detector results on The Bachelorette.
168. If I have to hear him moan one more time I’m going to disconnect cable.
169. I’m lying, Fall TV is coming back soon.
     

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170. I’ll miss Jorge the bartender the most.

We did it! Three surprisingly happy couples are engaged, a new Bachelor has been chosen and. just like summer, Bachelor in Paradise is over.  Well done, my friends, we survived all that the iterations of secondhand embarrassment that Bachelor Nation had to offer in 2016. Thank you for watching and laughing with me. I hope you’re as excited as I am to watch Nick embarrass himself on The Bachelor next year. I’m already thinking of absurd similes to describe his hair.

What did you think of Bachelor in Paradise? Do any of our engaged couples have a chance of making it to the altar? What are we going to do on Monday nights now? Let’s talk in the comments!

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