Half the continent had the honor of watching the finale three hours ahead of me while I haphazardly avoided spoilers like a minesweeper in Vietnam. If you ever want to hear a soliloquy in which I lament the inequity that is Pacific Standard Time, my house on The Bachelorette finale night is the place to be. The first world struggle is real.
Here are my favorite moments from The Bachelorette finale and After the Final Rose special with gif reactions.
Hats off to Jordan
The final episode of The Bachelorette kicked off with an impressive display of secondhand embarrassment when Jordan met JoJo’s family. Jordan thought it was would a good idea to hand out colorful straw hats to each of her family members. It was a dumb joke, but instead of rolling with it, he over explained himself until I was cringing harder than JoJo’s mom during her collagen injections.
Everyone (except Aaron Rodgers) likes Jordan with the good hair. In fact, JoJo’s family liked Jordan so much that they worried he was too likable. That makes sense, since it’s every parent’s biggest fear that their daughter would date a man who is too easy to like. Apparently, in their world being likable makes Jordan more likely to cheat on JoJo. I can’t with these people.
My reaction.
Robby Goes All In
Once they cleared the house of Jordan’s shame hats, it was Robby’s turn to meet the family. I know it was technically his first time to meet the Fletchers but, knowing Robby, he probably had an ancestry.com family tree memorized going back 3 generations. He’s nothing if not committed. He’s the Daniel Day Lewis of The Bachelorette.
Robby is in love and he is not afraid to say it, profusely and repeatedly, within moments of meeting her entire family. It’s no surprise that I’m a cynic, but Robby has always come off as smarmy to me, so I just didn’t think he was being sincere. I think he wants to be the next Bachelor to be in love, but I’m not convinced that he actually is. JoJo’s family definitely thought he was being sincere when he asked her parents for their blessing to propose. In fact, JoJo’s dad (who missed his calling as a Mr. Belding impersonator) was so moved by Robby’s profession of love that he cried. Or maybe he was just crying in sympathy for Robby’s very obviously sunburned chest.
My reaction.
JoJo Is Confused
I’ve been looking forward to seeing JoJo’s family visit since her hometown date on Ben’s season. Back then they were like the Brady Bunch if – Greg and Peter tried to fight Marsha’s boyfriend while Mrs. Brady chugged wine from the bottle in the kitchen. I could not have been more disappointed when they were just a regular old family (complete with a mute sister) doling out reasonable advice.
JoJo was shocked to hear that while Robby came across as stable, confident and ready to commit to her, Jordan didn’t ask for permission to propose when he had the chance. This threw JoJo for a loop. She immediately began crying (can I get that name of that smudgeproof mascara?) and whining. She sobbed, “I don’t knoooooow” more than I do when my husband asks what I want for dinner. Her family assured her that either man she picks will be a good choice, but JoJo worried that she’d have regrets no matter which decision she made. I totally get it. That’s how I feel when I have to pick between tacos and pizza.
My reaction.
Robby Wants Burned Meatloaf
Robby and JoJo had their last beach date before the final rose ceremony where they frolicked in an ocean the color of gangrene. After they were done ingesting fecal matter while they kissed underwater, JoJo asked Robby what he sees for their future. Since Robby is our resident method actor, he had his backstory prepared. He pictured them sitting on a couch with their dog in a suburban home, drinking wine while their kids play in the other room and meatloaf burns in the kitchen. I’m not making that up. Guys, I’m living Robby’s best life. You want burned meatloaf and kids being ignored? I’m your girl. The next time I’m having a mundane mom day I’m going to remind myself that I’m Robby’s #goals. I’m not sure if I’m more embarrassed for him or for me. Just kidding, definitely more embarrassed for him.
They headed back to a hotel room for their last conversation where JoJo assured him that she feels his love and doesn’t doubt his feelings for her. He told her that he looks forward to “blowing up her phone” while he’s out on the golf course with the guys. Meanwhile, I just want to know who is stuck cooking the meatloaf while he’s out having a good time. Then, Robby gifted her with a book of photographs from their time together that I’m 100% positive he charmed some poor intern into scrapbooking for him. They kissed, a lot, and then said their final goodbye before JoJo made her final decision.
My reaction.
JoJo is needy
JoJo’s final date with Jordan was a downer. JoJo pulled the classic “nothing is bothering me, but actually everything is bothering me” schtick that most women perfect during puberty, but never fails to befuddle the men in our lives. She opened the conversation with the passive aggressive fan favorite, “What’s going on in your head?” which caused him to merrily trip down a path to his own destruction. He admitted that he didn’t ask permission to propose and she pounced at the opportunity to question his intentions.
JoJo wanted Jordan and his cropped yoga pants to be completely on board with proposing to a woman who is currently dating another man. She wants him to be effusive in his love when she hasn’t vocalized her love for him in return. This is why this show is crazy. A man doesn’t haphazardly throw out an important (but archaic) request to propose, because he wants to make sure it means something, and his girlfriend gets mad? What’s wrong with her? Plus, when did she become so simpering and dependent? I’m sure she’s tired and fighting a UTI from whatever bacteria was in that ocean the day before, but come on JoJo, be the independent woman I know you are.
My reaction.
Last Minute Preparation
While JoJo was off somewhere getting primped for her big break-up/proposal (this show is so weird) the men were running around doing last minute chores. They had important tasks to complete like writing love letters, picking out engagement rings from an sweaty looking Neil Lane and (in Jordan’s case) being guilted into calling JoJo’s parents to get their permission to propose. That seems normal.
JoJo read both of their letters in an interview which resulted in her gratuitously sobbing in her gown. Meanwhile the men showered and squeezed themselves into their aggressively tailored suits. Well, Jordan showered, Robby rinsed off without washing his hair, because he’s Robby. Showering without washing his hair? Maybe Robby really is ready for kids.
My reaction.
I love you, But
Finally, the moment had arrived. JoJo was dressed in the requisite flowy gown, Chris Harrison had on a patterned tie and up drove the black SUV of doom. We all know that the first man out of the door is the one being sent home, so I waited with bated breath as first one, then two striped socks exited the limo. The camera panned up and it was Robby. Obviously. I mean, did anyone actually think she would end up with Robby? Don’t lie.
Robby gave his speech and was just about to reach the climax of a proposal when JoJo stopped him from continuing. She said she wanted it to be him, but her heart is somewhere else. Robby…well, honestly, Robby didn’t look like he cared. Don’t get me wrong, Robby looked like he wanted to care but he really should have attended an actor’s workshop on crying. Maybe I’m being cynical (again), but his reaction just seemed so fake. JoJo was bawling and awkwardly kissing his lapel while he sighed dramatically and put his fingers in his eyes like he was trying to grab a tear out of his eye if it was the last thing he did. I hope he’s more successful at selling swimming pools than he is at selling his emotions or his mommy is going to be the only one making him meatloaf anytime soon.
My reaction.
No, You’re Crying
Dry those tears, JoJo, it’s time to get a 3 carat Neil Lane diamond for subjecting yourself to this absurdity.
Jordan is the “winner”! As he was driving up in the victors car, he said that if JoJo rejected him it would be the worst disappointment of his life. That’s weird, I thought not being his older brother Aaron was his biggest disappointment. For her part, JoJo couldn’t wait to see Jordan and finally get to tell him how she feels.
Okay, so we all know I’m a snark monster 99% of the time I’m watching this show, but when the end comes and the bachelor gets down on one knee, I fall for it every single time. I blame Disney.
Jordan’s proposal was the sweetest thing ever. Or maybe it wasn’t, I don’t know, I think I drank the kool-aid. JoJo stopped him from getting down on knee so that she could say “I love you” before he proposed, and he said, “it wouldn’t have mattered.” That seems shortsighted, but the music was swelling and beautiful people were getting engaged so just go with it. He asked, she said yes, and then they hugged and kissed as we panned out to the confusingly green waters of Thailand. Another successful season in the books.
My reaction.
Happily Ever After show
Leave it to The Bachelorette to make you watch an additional hour of drivel lest you miss some piece of gossip previously printed in last week’s edition of US Weekly. The After the Final Rose episode was basically one big commercial for Bachelor in Paradise mixed in with a few updates from the cast. I mostly read tweets and google image searched JoJo’s new diamond.
Robby used his time with JoJo to campaign for Bachelor look for closure. It was about as boring as it sounds. I wouldn’t mind getting the number of his esthetician though, because his skin was glowing. JoJo tried to be kind when she said it was always Jordan, but Robby is way too self-absorbed to believe that. No man who wears a gingham print flower pin on his suit believes he could be someone’s second choice.
Finally, Jordan and JoJo had their first public outing since the season stopped recording months ago. I’ve got to be honest, it was awkward. They both emphasized how hard the months have been, between unflattering photos of JoJo surfacing in tabloid articles and rumors about Jordan’s fidelity. Actually, I’m not sure which of those two things bothered her more. I do know what bothered Jordan though, any mention of his big brother, Aaron. Every time Chris Harrison brought up Aaron’s name, Jordan reacted like he had just conjured Voldemort. He changed the subject to let us know that he’s moving to Dallas effective immediately. Honestly, they didn’t seem that happy or in love, but that could have just been the botox injections hampering their ability to emote.
My reaction.
We did it! Another season is complete, we’ve watched approximated 40 hours of Bachelor TV and our standards have never been lower. Wait, what’s that? Bachelor in Paradise is starting? See you all back here soon!
What did you think of the finale? Do you think Robby was sincere? How many months, I mean years, do you think Jordan and JoJo will be together? Will you be watching Bachelor in Paradise? Let’s talk in the comments!
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