Let’s just say that I needed a break from conducting mostly legal background checks on her new teacher and googling the dangers of getting a full-body lift in Tijuana. Obviously, judging the poor decision making skills of fame hungry twenty-somethings on Bachelor in Paradise is just what the doctor ordered. By doctor I mean the “completely qualified” plastic surgeon the Mexican tourism board put me in touch with via their “I’m having a midlife crisis” webpage. Seems legit.
Here are 145 thoughts I had while watching Bachelor in Paradise Week 4
- Another 3 hours of Bachelor in Paradise is about to begin.
- I can’t believe it has already been 4 weeks.
- Why didn’t the last 4 weeks of pregnancy with any of my babies ever go this quickly?
- Speaking of babies, we are two minutes in and Ashley is already harmonizing her sobs with ominous music.
- It really is Paradise.
- I can’t remember why she’s crying, but I bet it has something to do with her unhealthy obsession with Jared.
- Yep.
- I hope she gets endorsement deals for the magical potion that is her waterproof mascara.
- Now Jared is reassuring Caila that he only has feelings for her while Ashley’s sobs play in the background.
- It’s glorious.
- But really, how have I talked my husband into watching 3 hours of this show for four weeks?
- I probably shouldn’t complain about football season this Fall.
- Haha, yeah right.
- I hate that sport.
- The twins are Irish jig dancing, so I guess there are worse hobbies.
- Whoa, what if my husband liked watching Irish jig dancing?
- Carly has been making fun of Evan behind his back for weeks.
- She is all of us.
- Wait, no, now she’s making out with him.
- She’s like none of us.
- Daniel the Canadian finds himself in a position of power this week with a rose to give out.
- That’s not very Canadian of him.
- Jk I love Canada.
- Socialized healthcare? All about it.
- But then Daniel just referred to Gandhi in the same sentence as the “King of the Jungle” and “President of the States” so I can’t speak to their educational system.
- Still probably better than ours.
- Sarah
bribed Daniel withbrought Daniel a cake for his half birthday. - He inevitably ruined it by making it sexual.
- Twin A is trying to convince Twin B to kiss Daniel so they can both stay.
- I’m pretty sure that’s sex trafficking.
- Then again, the twins count as one person so my standards are probably too high.
- Just kidding, I don’t have standards anymore.
- If anyone cares, Ashley is still crying.
- Apparently, Gandhi/Daniel cares.
- Daniel just called Jared ugly so he’s my new BFF.
- Because really, what do these girls see in Jared?
- Daniel’s advice to Ashley the virgin is to “slut it up”.
- Friendship over.
- It’s finally time for the Rose Ceremony. Let’s get rid of some estrogen.
- Ashley’s face of disgust standing next to Caila is all of us.
- There’s more costume jewelry on this show than in my 5 year old’s dress up box.
- Haley’s forced kiss with Daniel worked. She’s safe.
- Looks like Sarah and Ashley are going home.
- There’s no way Ashley stays gone. She’s way too entertaining.
- Ashley’s cry face is why Botox terrifies me.
- Ashley made her black SUV of shame turn around for one last chance at self-humiliation.
- She says that now that she knows she has no romantic chance with Jared she wants the opportunity to find love with someone else.
- AKA the producers need a dramatic arc.
- They’re all chanting, “Yes!” like the end of a Lifetime movie.
- Caila was less than pleased when she asked us to imagine “what it would be like to fall for someone with their ex following them around”.
- You mean like on The Bachelor?
- The women are back in charge so it’s time for some new man meat.
- I just said the words “who is that?!” aloud when this new guy, Carl, show up.
- Apparently, he is from Andi’s season.
- That’s like 30 years ago in Bachelor years.
- Emily (or Haley, I have literally no clue) is into Carl despite his questionable decision to wear jorts.
- Some dude with a lamp just showed up too.
- It’s a forgettable, hot dude, bonanza.
- His name is Brett.
- Of course it is.
- Izzy is feeling Brett.
- Not literally, but it’s only a matter of time.
- This is not going to go over well with Vinny.
- Brent is a hot blooded male, so clearly he wants Caila.
- Ashley is making me laugh out loud manipulating Brett into asking Caila out.
- Wait, is it Brent or Brett?
- I don’t care.
- Brett asked Caila out on his date and she said yes.
- I’ve never seen Ashley look this happy.
- Jared told Caila that she can go, but that he wants her.
- So she went back and told she’s not going.
- Then she changed her mind, she is going.
- Wait, she changed her mind again, she’s not going.
- She flip flops more than my kids at swim lessons.
- Okay, so she’s going on the date.
- I think.
- Jared is pretty depressed that there’s nothing he can do while Caila is on her date with Brett.
- There is something he can do.
- He could clean up that merkin he calls his chest hair.
- Brett, Caila, Carl and Emily have a double date on a booze cruise.
- Brett said it best when he described Emily as “riding Carl like Sea Biscuit”.
- Caila is telling Brett ON THEIR DATE that she made the wrong choice.
- She is the worst.
- Ashley is pulling every move in the crazy ex-girlfriend book to make Jared hate Caila.
- Nice try, he’s kissing Caila.
- As soon as she stops crying again, Ashley is definitely going to find a pet rabbit to boil.
- Since Caila is a complete lunatic, Brett is switching his attention to the twin not currently riding Carl like a race horse.
- Another bearded 30-something just arrived.
- It’s like they know their demographic.
- I’m their demographic.
- The new guy, Ryan asked Jared for advice so he’s trying to pawn Ashely off on him.
- Low-key, I think Ashley and Jared are meant for each other. I’m a believer.
- That plan didn’t work at all, Ryan asked Haley out.
- Daniel isn’t acting so Gandhi-like about it now.
- I’m 90% sure Haley is wearing lingerie on this horse riding date with Ryan.
- What’s up with these twins and horse riding?
- Grant is developing real feelings for Lace so he arranged a couple’s massage.
- He should have saved that for when he forgets an anniversary in a few years.
- Grant told Lace that he loves her so she immediately asked him what exactly he loves about her. Way to play it cool.
- Izzy and Vinny have real feelings for one another, but she thinks Brett is hot and this is Paradise so bring on the drama.
- Drink up, Izzy, this can only get better…for me.
- Izzy just told Vinny, her Paradise boyfriend, that when she saw Brett her stomach flipped with attraction.
- What was in those plastic cups Jorge the bartender was handing out?
- Vinny had a difficult time sleeping that night, but Izzy didn’t. (Because she was wasted.)
- Vinny is sitting outside while Izzy takes “one minute” to finish getting ready.
- Sure, “one minute”. See you after she applies self-tanner and individual false lashes.
- When I tell my husband I need one minute he knows he has time to read Tolstoy.
- If I questioned my relationship every time I found someone attractive like Izzy is, I’d never be allowed to watch professional soccer again.
- Vinny decided to leave Paradise rather than watch Izzy lust after Brent/Brett.
- Good thing he never saw her watch Magic Mike.
- Jade and Tanner (who met and married after Bachelor in Paradise Season 2) just showed up at Paradise.
- They must be hard up for grocery money.
- Been there.
- They’re supposed to meet with each of the couples and then decide who gets the next date.
- Obviously Ashley used her time to sabotage Caila and Jared’s chances.
- Nice try, sucker! They got the date card anyway.
- Jennifer and Nick are drinking red wine while discussing past relationships.
- So they’ve progressed to the Bachelor in Paradise equivalent of a second date.
- They’ll be engaged by next week.
- Nick doesn’t want to look like a joke.
- SO WHY DO YOU KEEP SIGNING UP FOR THESE SHOWS?!
- Caila and Jared seem to be connecting on their date.
- By that I mean that they’re making out in their bathing suits.
- It must be love.
- Call me a cynic, but I’m pretty sure Carly’s sudden interest in Evan has everything to do with him having the power of the rose this week.
- “The power of the rose” sounds like a rejected tampon slogan.
- Evan says he’s never felt like this about another girl.
- That sure says a lot about his previous marriage which resulted in three children.
- That’s going to be real awkward when he forces everyone to watch his fifteen minutes of fame at Thanksgiving dinner.
- Their date is some sort of ancient ritual in a sweat lodge where they have to say what they’re really feeling.
- No Carly didn’t say, “I feel like I’m using you to stay in Paradise.”
- This just in: Carly is a liar.
- Carly says she is looking her worst this week.
- How quickly she forgets her eyebrows on Chris’ season of The Bachelor.
- I didn’t forget.
- Since none of her backhanded efforts have worked, Ashley is going full force manipulative shrew trying to convince Jared that Caila isn’t into him.
- She’s acting like a Disney villain.
- Jared may be the biggest idiot in Paradise.
- That includes both twins.
- Why don’t Caila’s earrings match?
- Who cares, she’s about to pull those nonmatching earrings out when she go off on Ashley.
- Get your popcorn ready for some passive aggressive girl talk.
- I’ve had more dramatic arguments with myself over what to eat for lunch.
- That’s it? The episode is over?
- Perfect, I’m going to go eat leftover birthday cake and cry about my kid starting kindergarten some more.
Did you make it through all three hours of Bachelor in Paradise this week? Did I miss anything good on After Paradise? Is Ashley going to drown Caila in the ocean? Let’s talk!
