145 Thoughts I Had While Watching Bachelor in Paradise, Week 5

My husband and I met for the first time 12 years ago this week. We were both moving into our apartment building in Washington DC at the same time when I made a lame joke about being Californian that he laughed way too hard at. I never could resist an easy audience. Laugh at my jokes and you too could end up married to me with three kids, and a mortgage.

With all of this reminiscing, I can’t help but wonder what stories the couples from Bachelor in Paradise will tell at their joint fiftieth wedding anniversary celebration in Puerto Vallarta circa 2066. (An event that is definitely going to happen, because Paradise is all about lasting relationships.) I imagine Lace will fondly recall the time Grant held her back from punching a woman at Senor Frogs for throwing beer at her. Carly will recount the time she said Evan gave her erectile dysfunction while he nurses a bloody nose. Amanda will try to speak, but no one will be able to hear her over the smack of Josh’s dentures while he accosts an innocent slice of pizza. Meanwhile, Ashley will be serving her prison sentence for stalking Jared.

I’ll definitely force my husband to watch that special on the communal TV at the retirement home our kids leave us in.

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Here’s 145 thoughts I had while watching Bachelor in Paradise, Week 5

1. Bachelor in Paradise Week 5 here we come.
2. While I watch, I’m going to try to blow up the balloons I’m supposed to hang from the ceiling for my son’s 4^th birthday in the morning..
3. It feels appropriate to be blowing up latex during an episode of this show.
4. I wonder if they check for latex allergies in the pre-season blood panel.
5. That’d just be smart medicine.
6. Do you think Obamacare covers that?
7. Thanks, Obama.
8. No really…thanks, Obama. I heart you.
9. Okay, Ashley’s Virgin Mary impression in the opening credits is funny every time.
   

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10. Caila and Ashley are still engaged in the most boring argument ever.
11. But Caila saying Ashley is like a sister to Jared was pretty masterfully done.
12. More like a stepsister. If you know what I mean.
13. I’m going out on a limb here, but maybe Jared isn’t into Ashley because she sucks her snot while she cries like that one kid with the dairy allergy in grade school.
14. Ashley is threatening is drown herself in the ocean over Jared.
15. Imagine what would happen if she actually met Ashton Kutcher.
16. Now Ashley is praying to her dead dog to bring a new man into her life.
17. In walks my boy, Wells.
18. Wells is really into tacos and gets paid to be a DJ.
19. So he’s just like your college boyfriend.
20. All of the girls are trying to convince Wells to take Ashley on his date.
21. I’m 90% sure it’s because they need a break from her snot sucking.
    

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22. Wells just told Ashley that her Instagram account in phenomenal.
23. That’s the most millennial flirting I’ve ever encountered.
24. I kinda hate myself for saying “millennial” just then.
25. Caila and Jared are flirting around, kissing on one of those outdoor beds and I just want to punch them both in their mediocre faces.
26. Wells and Ashley are on their date talking about Jared.
27. Actually, they’re talking about Jared while Ashley eats a tostada as awkwardly as humanly possible.
28. She just told the professional Radio DJ that her favorite band is Hanson.
29. MmmBop.
30. That explains a lot actually.
31. They pretended to be virgins too.
32. Now Wells and Ashley are feeding a stray dog off the street in Mexico.
33. All I can picture right now is the scene in Old Yeller with the rabid dog.
34. I can’t tell you how much I wish this date would end like that.
35. They’re making out instead.
36. Back at the resort Grant is talking about all of the hardships he and Lace have survived.
37. It’s been like 3 weeks.
38. Grant is annoyed that Lace is flirting with other guys, but I’m annoyed that he has playing cards tattooed on his lower back.
39. They’re trying to have a serious conversation but Lace is slurring so much she sounds like a Driver’s Ed warning video.
    

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40. Josh just made Amanda guess what color Skittle he’s eating based on the flavor of his spit when they kiss.
41. BRB, puking.
42. Lace says she wants to go home, but we all know she’s just waiting for Grant to apologize first.
43. Girl 101.
44. It worked.
45. Amanda offered Nick and Jennifer a private bed for the night and Josh is not having it.
46. Josh is so mad that he went in and woke up Amanda from a dead sleep to ask her about it.
47. You never wake a sleeping mother on vacation without her kids.
48. I’d cut you.
49. Evan and Carly just admitted that they’re falling in love with one another.
50. WHAT IS HAPPENING?!
51. Evan either bribed her or has a magic love potion, that’s the only explanation.
52. But neither of those scenarios explain those weird arm gloves Carly is wearing.
53. Daniel is trying to bribe one of the twins with deep fried food to keep him in Paradise.
54. That would 100% work on me.
55. Now he’s offering Izzy a lamp.
56. That’s not a euphemism.
57. Josh is dripping compliments all over Amanda.
58. He’s cheesier than the nachos you buy at your kid’s little league game.
59. Apparently they’re falling in love too.
60. The twins are worried about how controlling Josh is.
61. I finally read Andi’s book so I’m qualified to say that Josh is the worst.
62. Rose Ceremony time.
63. The twins decided to leave the show so Daniel (the Canadian), Carl (aka Sea Biscuit), and Ryan (I have no clue) are leaving.
    

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64. Before they left, the twins told Amanda they needed to tell her something she wouldn’t like.
65. I immediately sat up in my seat and started rubbing my hands together evilly.
66. The twins think Josh came to Paradise as a PR move following the release of Andi’s book which paints him as manipulative and emotionally abusive.
67. Duh.
68. Josh forced Amanda to tell him why she was upset.
69. Then when she brokenly admitted what was bothering her, he went off on the entire cast.
70. Apparently he’s there for the right reasons.
71. I wonder if he was on that Famously Single show on the E! channel for the right reasons too.
72. Nick is the only one willing to challenge Josh.
73. It’s Andi’s season of The Bachelor all over again.
74. Can I say I have PTSD from the season without offending people with actual PTSD?
75. Josh in pure Josh-ness is more interested in arguing with Nick than in caring about Amanda walking away.
76. To be fair, I’m more interested in a Josh-Nick fight too.
77. Josh packing his bags to leave Paradise is like that friend who threatens to leave Facebook during an election season.
78. You’ll be back.
79. Amanda is sick of everyone telling her what to think.
80. When your friends are telling you your boyfriend is a controlling megalomaniac you should probably listen.
81. Just kidding, the twins would have no idea what a megalomaniac is.
82. Josh and Amanda are making out now.
83. I can’t wait to read Amanda’s tell all in two years when she completes therapy after dating Josh.
    

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84. Jami from Ben’s season arrived with Wells on the mind and a date card in hand.
85. Ashley is going to freak.
86. Wells is too busy looking at her seriously impressive cleavage to care.
87. Jami and Wells just left on their date before Ashley woke up for the day.
88. Nick has the privilege of breaking the news to Ashley.
89. This is going to be DRAMA.
90. She didn’t care.
91. I feel like everything I’ve ever believed is a lie.
92. Wells and Jami are four wheeling and swimming in a waterfall on their date.
93. Her hair did not adapt well to the water.
94. Jami loves comic books and Wells is a huge nerd so they’re making out now.
95. Caila just showed a bruise on her leg and told Jared, “you smacked my butt so hard last night.”
96. Have we typecast Josh as the abuser when really it was Jared all along?
97. Not a chance.
98. With Wells out of the house, Ashley has free time on her hands so it’s time to for her harass Caila some more.
99. Ashley just passive aggressively mean-girled Caila hard enough to get a single tear to fall from her eye.
100. In related news, Caila is not a cyborg.
101. But she is leaving Paradise.
102. Ashley won! Caila is leaving.
103. I’m not a fan of Caila, but that’s ice cold
104.  Ashley says that she scared Caila off because she loves Jared.
105.  She was only doing it to protect him.
106. That’s why she prepared that well in her backyard for Jared to live in too.
     

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107. Jared is going to leave Paradise to be with Caila and Ashley is SHOCKED.
108.  She legitimately thought she was going to end up with him.
109. Ashley is more delusional than I am when I try to shop in the Juniors section.
110.  I’m on the wrong side of three c-sections for that.
111. Jared just ran after Caila’s SUV and left Paradise without his luggage.
112. I hope he tipped the production assistant who has to pack all of those v-neck t-shirts and undersized board shorts for him.
113. Jami and Wells just walked in from their date holding hands.
114. That’s essentially a marriage contract in Ashley’s eyes so maybe we’ll finally get the breakdown we deserve.
115. No, she’s handling this all very maturely.
116. I’m disappointed in her.
117. Okay, so Jami and Ashley are both into Wells and he has no idea what to do with the attention.
     

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118. He’s like the cute boy at summer camp who only wants to play soccer, but the girls won’t leave him alone.
119. Here comes Lauren the kindergarten teacher from Ben’s season to mess everything up.
120. Oh wait, and Shushanna the Russian girl from Ben’s season is here.
121. Why are there still so many new people at this late in the game?
122. I don’t like it.
123. I think Shushanna has a tongue ring.
124. I didn’t know anyone kept those in after their goth stage in 8^th grade grade.
125. Lauren and Shushanna have a double date card so Brett and Wells are on deck.
126. Wells may have an aneurysm from the pressure.
127. There are more male tank tops on this date than on a Russian submarine.
     

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128.  I’d say they’re taking surfing lessons, but really they’re just zooming in on Lauren and Shushanna’s bikini bods.
129. I hope they plug their personal trainers after this because, TAKE ALL MY MONEY.
130. Wells can’t stop talking about Shushanna’s sexual magnetism while Bond music plays in the background.
131. Her Bond name would be SucksonWells’ Facealotta.
132.  Carly and Evan are making out I think but I can’t watch because it makes me too uncomfortable.
133. Evan gets more ill-timed erections than a 6^th grader on the first day of Spring.
134. Plus, he looks like a gondolier in that shirt.
135. Josh is still complaining about people judging him.
136.  I’m sure he’d love me.
     

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137. Josh and Amanda are on a date doing what Josh does best: talk about how awesome he is.
138. Josh and Amanda seem to care a lot about each other, but I simply don’t care.
139.  Ashley just described Jami and Shushanna as “a random Canadian and a Russian whore”.
140.  It’s like she’s trying to steal my job.
141.  If Wells were the Bachelor he’d age faster than a second term presidential candidate.
142.  That was a weird spot to end that episode, but THEY ANNOUNCED WHO THE BACHELOR IS ON THE AFTER SHOW.
143. It’s Nick.
144. Yes, that Nick.
145. I’m freaking out too.
     

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Next week is the two episode finale of Bachelor in Paradise! Apparently there are going to be multiple proposals. It’ll be like an episode of 19 Kids and Counting, but with less side hugs. Keep an eye out for a post all about our new Bachelor. Let’s talk in the comments!

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