100 Thoughts I Had While Watching Bachelor in Paradise

Well it finally happened, JoJo rode off into the sunset with the second best football player in the Rodgers’ family. While she’s off polishing the blood diamond on her ring finger, we were all left to mourn the end of our regularly scheduled Monday night entertainment. Just like the 25 men she rejected on her way to a mediocre love story, we just wanted to know what was left for us. How can the powers that be at the heavenly world that is Bachelor headquarters leave us without beautiful twenty-somethings to judge? Rude.

Just kidding, they’d never leave us high and dry like JoJo did to Chase in the fantasy suite. Here comes Bachelor in Paradise! 

If you’ve never seen Bachelor in Paradise, prepare yourself for a train wreck. I mean that in the best possible way. The premise of the show is that they bring back a mix of single Bachelor and Bachelorette rejects for a long vacation at a Mexican resort. They ply them with ungodly amounts of alcohol, free-time, and bathing suits until things take their natural course. Each week the men and women pick who is their strongest romantic connection in the house. If you’re not chosen, they send you home. Fresh meat New cast members get introduced throughout the show so you never know who will show up and mess up the existing relationships. There is no prize and no winners. Just endless entertainment for depraved minds such as ours.

These are 100 thoughts I had while watching the premiere of Bachelor in Paradise.

1. Here we go, Bachelor in Paradise Season 3. I’m ready for you.
2. Chris Harrison really just said “hold onto your coconuts.”
3. I love this show.
4. I’m holding on, Chris. I’m holding on tight.
5. These scenes from the rest of the season have me more excited than Chad when he meets his goal weight.
6. Of course Evan the erectile dysfunction guy is going to end up in an ambulance.
7. There are going to be multiple proposals at the end? Just like right before graduation at my Christian college.
8. The opening credits on this show are giving me life.
9. Jorge the Bartender got his own credit. That’s how important alcohol consumption is on this show.
10. Do you think twins ever call each other ugly when they’re fighting?
11. I have no idea which one is Hailey and which one Emily.
12. I also have no intention of figuring it out.
13. Ugh, Nick Viall is back.
14. Whoa, Cross Fit does a q-tip topped body gooood.
15. Yeah! Jubilee, the Army veteran, is in Paradise. I love her.
16. Stop apologizing for your resting bitch face, Jubilee. You’ll get less wrinkles.
17. Is Evan wearing a medieval times costume?
18. Maybe if that shirt he was wearing wasn’t so small, Chad wouldn’t have been able to rip it.
19. Can Chad sue for libel every time someone accuses him of steroid abuse?
20. Wait, does that mean Chad can sue me for everything I said about him?
21. I’m sorry, Chad.
22. Lace says she drank too much on The Bachelor.
23. Does that explain the bad hair extensions she’s wearing?
24. No, I’m pretty sure that’s just her general bad taste.
25. Daniel the Canadian comparing himself to herpes should be the new Tagline of Bachelor in Paradise.
26. Are pterodactyls a type of Canadian bird I’m unaware of?
27. Did single mom Amanda suck helium before this interview or….
28. Remember when we all thought Ben Higgins was hot.
29. What were we thinking?
30. He’s not hot.
31. What’s a girl have to do to get a kid-free paid vacation to Mexico?
32. Oh, go on this show? Never mind.
33. Did I just see sparks fly when Nick and Amanda met?
34. Jubilee called Evan “the penis guy” so she totally reads my recaps.
35. I’m pretty sure Evan just Twilight imprinted on Amanda.
36. Carly gets progressively thicker eyebrows with every season she crashes.
37. Who wears short shorts? Grant wears short shorts.
38. Do you think Chad slept with Grant’s ex-girlfriend before or after Paradise?
39. Daniel is wearing jorts, but he still thinks he’s better than everyone.
40. I guess poodles and yorkies are considered “street dogs” in Canada.
41. Don’t stare at Sarah’s missing arm. Don’t stare at Sarah’s arm.
42. You know what’s harder to find than love of Bachelor in Paradise? Sobriety.
43. I legitimately have no idea who Izzy is.
44. Izzy doesn’t know what she likes about Daniel, but I do.
45. It’s his abs.
46. Lace is wearing lace.
47. LACE IS WEARING LACE
48. One of the twins has a clam shell on the front of her bikini bottoms.
49. She’s the Georgia O’Keeeffe of Bachelor in Paradise.
50. Someone please tell me why people like Jared.
51. It must be his patchy beard or his completely ordinary physique.
52. How did Chad avoid the law prohibiting wild animals from crossing borders?
53. Daniel is the fraternity brother that you don’t want to be left alone with at a party.
54. Whomever designed the mic necklaces needs to back to macrame camp.
55. Grant as the number 13 tattooed on his hipbone like a Taylor Swift fangirl.
56. The men get to decide who goes home this week. Glad to see the patriarchy is alive and well.
57. THE TWINS ONLY COUNT AS ONE PERSON.
58. The Bachelor knows that they aren’t conjoined twins, right?
59. I really wish they were conjoined twins, that would be amazing.
60. Chad’s luggage full of protein really makes me question the validity of the TSA.
61. Jubilee got the first date card so it’s time to relive the awkwardness of Sadie Hawkins.
62. She picked Jared because she likes completely ordinary men.
63. Grant heard Lace is crazy, but she’s hot. So that sounds like the beginning of a great love story.
64. Izzy is judging Lace for making out with Chad pretty hard for a girl straddling Vinny in the hot tub.
65. I haven’t seen flirt fighting like this since first grade.
66. Whoa no, Lace and Chad are definitely not acting like first graders now.
67. Why do they keep blurring out butts?
68. Chad keeps chanting “I’ve got money. I’ve got muscles.” But he means, “I’ve got an inferiority complex.”
69. I’ve seen Chad’s snaps. He drives a Toyota, not a Lamborghini.
70. I think Jubilee and Jared are talking about the Lord of the Rings on their date, but I don’t speak nerd.
71. Why is their a humping clown in a cloud of pinatas????
72. I can’t believe I justed typed the words “humping clown”.
73. I can’t with this show.
74. What am I doing with my life?
75. Chad has passed from fun party buzz to belligerent racist uncle at Thanksgiving dinner.
76. I wonder if they have to move into a halfway house when they leave Paradise.
77. Send help, I think I might be attracted to Nick Viall.
78. Bachelor in Paradise deserves an Emmy for making me like Nick this much.
79. Allow me to do a slow clap for Sarah for standing up to the Chad bear.
80. HE DID NOT JUST MAKE FUN OF HER FOR HAVING ONE ARM.
81. No! Don’t cry, Sarah, he doesn’t deserve your tears.
82. I think I hate Chad.
83. Chad just passed out on the beach like a Cancun spring breaker.
84. I want to shake the hand of the person who decided to place that crab next to Chad’s unconscious head.
85. CHAD POOPED HIS PANTS.
86. Alert! Alert! He pooped his pants.
87. Chad is a toddler.
88. Why am I watching this?
89. Oh yeah, because it’s great.
90. I think I’m in love with the person who made Nick’s job “Runner-Up”.
91. When even Lace feels bad for Chad, you know it’s bad.
92. Why is Chris Harrison wearing a flannel shirt in the middle of summer in Mexico.
93. I bet Chris practiced that line about Chad turning Paradise into hell in the mirror.
94. Here it comes, Chad is getting kicked out. He’s going to lose it.
95. Yep, he lost it.
96. Can’t stop laughing at Chad saying Chris sits in a hotel room wearing a robe and drinking mimosas. Now that sounds like Paradise.
97. TO BE CONTINUED?!?!
98. Ugh, of course Chad comes back next week!
99. They’re going to air this show twice a week, Mondays and Tuesdays. I can’t. I quit.
100. Just kidding. I can’t quit you, Bachelor in Paradise. You complete me.

That’s it! Episode one of Bachelor in Paradise is over and tucked nicely into Chad’s luggage next to his bags of deli meat. What did you think? Did you remember to take antibiotics just in case any of the STDs being contracted in Paradise are transmittable through the TV? Let’s talk in the comments! I won’t judge.

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