I missed my calling as a math teacher.
Thanks to America celebrating it’s 240th 29th birthday (I assume Lady Liberty stopped aging after 29 like me), it has been two long weeks since we last saw an episode of JoJo’s journey to find relevance fame on The Bachelorette. In the perverse world of Bachelor Nation, two weeks is enough time to meet, fall in love, get engaged, and plan a nationally televised wedding, so I was expecting an exciting episode. I was disappointed.
It took less time to gestate my children than it did to watch the two hours of drivel that was this week’s episode of The Bachelorette. Lucky for you, all boredom does is feed my inner snark monster.
Here are my favorite moments from JoJo’s sixth week on The Bachelorette with gif reactions.
Alex and James Taylor are still here
If you were fortunate enough to forget, our last episode ended with no one going home. I’m still bitter about it. Despite her complete lack of chemistry with either of them, JoJo just couldn’t stand to let Alex the mini-Marine or Singer-Songwriter, James Taylor (not that one) go yet. That or the return flights from Argentina were expensive so they need to kill some time until peak travel days were over. We’ll never know.
My reaction.
No One Likes the Carpool lane
Alex doesn’t care what anyone else thinks because he finally got his first one-on-one date of the season. That’s right, one of the final six remaining men has never been on a date alone with JoJo. True love abounds, people. They took a painfully awkward ride in a rented Jeep into the Argentinian countryside. Naturally, they participated in classic roadtrip activities like playing thumb war and making duck faces with Pringle chips. Throughout the ride, JoJo did a horrible job at hiding her cringes every time Alex touched her. Alex didn’t seem to notice since he said, he “feels on top of the world when he’s with JoJo” but I assume he means only when she’s wearing flats.
Meanwhile, the rest of JoJo’s boyfriends took a bus ride to their Countryside destination. By “took a bus ride” I mean “complained about their accommodations the entire time”. Seriously, get over it. Half of these dudes are aspiring country music stars and semi-professional athletes, bus rides are your lifeblood. After writing a rap song that made me appreciate Iggy Azalea for the first time in my life, they made a dicey decision by stopping for some Argentinian street meat where we learned Jordan is a picky eater, because of course he is. The women of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor complained less riding in a minivan through the fields of Iowa than these men did exploring Argentina.
My reaction.
Please Stop Horsing Around
Much to JoJo’s relief, they finally made it to an Argentinian ranch where she donned an adorable riding outfit that offset her ombre hair perfectly. Meanwhile, Alex was quickly costumed in the meanest gaucho getup I’ve ever seen. I can’t thank them enough for this moment in television history. He looked like a rejected Vegas hotel gondolier had a baby with a Prince Eric Disney impersonator. He looked like what would show up at your house if you hired a gaucho impersonator off of Craigslist. The beret, the culottes, the neck kerchief and that bedecked belt…perfection. JoJo was quick to correct him when Alex called himself a “goocho” but he was right the first time.
Things went even further downhill after that when a real gaucho demonstrated his “connection” with his horse in the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of television I’ve ever seen. No joke, I feel morally obligated to call PETA after seeing this man demonstrate his dominance over his horse. We get it, you’re the alpha equestrian, but do you have to keep making me feel awkward? It’s rude. The gaucho wrestled his horse into submission by “communicating with his soul,” and then let JoJo and Alex spooned with him. The horse, not the gaucho. I’m going to repeat that for emphasis. They. Spooned. With. A. Horse.
At dinner that night, after washing off the inevitable post-horse cuddle session scent, Alex confessed that he fell in love with JoJo the first moment they met. Sure you did, little buddy. JoJo told him that she didn’t feel the same way and sent him home for good. Finally. Unlike the gaucho and his horse, Alex would not make eye contact with JoJo after their break-up. Or maybe he just couldn’t reach her eye level. (Hey, look! My last short joke!)
My reaction.
Jordan has family drama
Now that the mini-Marine has given his final salute, only five men remain with one to go. JoJo needed something to wash the taste of those Pringles out of her mouth so she took Jordan on a date to a winery. They took off their shoes to stomp grapes and all I could picture was lint from Jordan’s black socks getting into the grape juice that THEY DRANK. Ugh, I’m gagging thinking about it. Then, the producers decided the viewers deserved our own palate cleanse after seeing Alex in that gaucho outfit so they found the only hot tub in a 500 mile radius for JoJo and Jordan to strip down in. I appreciate the effort.
JoJo did what every half naked man with a bikini clad woman sitting on his lap hopes she’d do, she asked what he was thinking about. Come on! What do you think he’s thinking about? He made an impressively quick recovery by saying he’s excited to introduce her to his “mama”. I’m just assuming calling his mom “mama” is his version of thinking about baseball.
At dinner that night Jordan talked some more about his family and, more importantly, about his brother, NFL Superstar, Aaron Rodgers. Apparently they don’t have much of a relationship. Their issues center around something to do with Jordan always being in his shadow, but I read this whole conversation as an excuse for why we won’t get to see him at hometowns. Don’t lie Jordan, ABC took this show to Pennsylvania this season, they obviously can’t afford Aaron’s appearance fee.
Oh and Jordan told JoJo that he’s in love with her. I don’t believe him. Maybe he can prove it by having Aaron show up with his girlfriend, Olivia Munn, and homemade baked goods next week. Just a suggestion.
My reaction.
Worst Sleepover Ever
JoJo’s plans for her group date with Chase, Robby and James Taylor (not that one) fell through due to inclement weather. Naturally, the interns she planned a last minute sleepover in a hotel suite complete with room service junk food, Truth or Dare, Pictionary and binge watching the Brazilian version of The Bachelor. Are they reading my Junior High diary before they plan these dates?
Each of the men had their own tactic for impressing JoJo. James Taylor accepted a challenge to see how many french fries he could stuff in his mouth at the same time. (It was similar to how I look the moment I exit a drive thru.) Robby preferred to strip down to his underwear on a dare for a run through the halls of the hotel. Using your time to show her what you look like shirtless again? Well played. Chase…well actually I have no idea what Chase did. Did he even speak? No clue. He’s cute though.
James Taylor could tell that Robby was doing well so he made sure to tell JoJo that Robby likes to check out beautiful women when they walk by. A single man checks out beautiful women?! How shocking. Despite having 5 concurrent boyfriends, JoJo got a tiny bit of a hypocritical attitude about this and I was all, “Seriously? You have five boyfriends!” She didn’t care that much though because even though Robby broke up with his long term girlfriend only four months ago (let that sink in for a minute) he got the group date rose. Chase and James Taylor’s eyes bugged out of their eyes in barely repressed anger while they furiously whispered “front-runner” under their breaths in a mantra.
My reaction.
Luke, you are my favorite
Finally it was time for my boyfriend Luke to get some airtime. I never knew forehead wrinkles and a monotone voice could be so attractive until Luke was cast on this show. They had a throw away date at a ranch that included more horse riding and some very proficient skeet shooting. I don’t find guns particularly engaging, but seeing Luke the West Point grad, former Army Lieutenant and all around Texas cowboy of your Western fantasies, handle that shotgun was working. This city girl watched this whole date with a huge sappy smile on my face. He’s so cute, guys.
My reaction.
Rose Ceremony
I guess JoJo had enough of hotel room parties after her earlier sleepover, so she canceled the cocktail party and skipped straight to the Rose Ceremony. All you had to see was all of them lined up in a row to know how this thing was going to end, but rules are rules. Robby and his Gryiffindor tie was already safe, but Luke, Chase and Jordan quickly joined him on the short list for hometowns. That meant James Taylor and his “my mom licked her hand and fixed my hair” hairstyle was going home. Raise your hand if you’re not surprised. JoJo was annoyingly emotional about saying good-bye to nice guy, James. You broke up with him, JoJo. Stop crying.
My reaction.
Coming up Next Week
Next week is the much anticipated hometown dates in which we’ll get to see which last minute home decor items the men’s moms picked up at Hobby Lobby. According to the scenes from the next episode, JoJo is going to question Jordan’s older brother about Jordan’s relationship with their NFL superstar brother. I hope she’s paying attention because his brother looks exactly like Jordan will in 10 years and 20 pounds. Luke is going to go the cliche route by laying flowers (roses, naturally) in the shape of a heart in an empty field. Chase is going to…actually I have no idea. I don’t know anything about him at all. Oh and it looks like Robby is going to lie about his ex girlfriend some more. Then things will wrap up with JoJo bawling in an evening gown. I’m living my best life.
My reaction.
My Picks (No spoilers)
Left to right: Jordan, Luke and Chase.
Despite what your eyes are telling you, no those are not three pictures of the same man.
Once we are introduced to Robby’s genetically gifted brothers at hometowns next week (seriously, go to his Instagram page immediately) I think his work here will be done. He is fun to look at, but he comes with way too much baggage. That leaves Jordan with the good hair, my boyfriend Luke and the dark horse, Chase. But really, who is Chase? Someone tell me.
Were you as bored as I was during this episode? Who is Chase? Are you concerned for the health and welfare of that gaucho’s horse? Who do you think is going home after hometowns? Let’s talk in the comments!
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