You know those random Tuesday nights when you find yourself google stalking your old high school boyfriend?You’ve moved on, he doesn’t appeal to you anymore, but you still need to assure yourself that you’re doing better than he is. That’s The Bachelorette‘s Men Tell All special. For some reason we want to know what these guys are up to, even though there is no doubt that they’ll be a disappointment.
Except Luke. Luke is perfect.
Here are my favorite moments from The Bachelorette’s Men Tell All episode with gif reactions. I’m going to try not to make them all gifs of people rolling their eyes, but I make no promises.
The Audience
I have to start this off with a standing ovation for the best live audience in television. These lucky few dress themselves in their best cocktail wear, get blowouts, put on a full-face of makeup and then they emote like their lives depend on it. You want to see shock? There’s a lady with her jaw hanging open. You prefer a sappy reaction? Quick cut to the woman leaning her head on her partner’s shoulder.Well done, audience; you did us proud. I don’t know how many of their unborn children these people had to trade to get tickets, but I’ve got a few good fertile years left in me. Sign me up.
My reaction.
The Men
I’ll be honest, I’ve seen every episode of this season of The Bachelorette twice. That’s 36 hours of mind numbing group dates, romantic dancing to unknown bands, and at least one Argentinian horse being assaulted. Even still, I barely recognized half of the 18 men who appeared on the Men Tell All. I think my brain may be protecting itself by willfully purging all of the shame. Even so, I’m never one to shirk my duty of judging good looking men in suits so I was happy to gaze upon them with new eyes. Plus, they all seemed so happy to see one another. They were patting each other’s backs more than a little league baseball team on the way to Cooperstown.
The verdict is in…JoJo could have done worse. Oh wait, she did. Why are Jordan and Robby her final two? No really, why?!
My reaction.
Chad’s Chadisms
Finally it was the moment we have all been waiting for. Chad was back. For some of us it has been a while since he graced our television with his deli meat eating, roid raging, pithy remark making, ways. For others (like me) he has been ever present on social media and in our hearts.
Chad came out swinging with the nicknames. He called Evan “dick doc” and now I can’t get that one nursery rhyme out of my head. Only instead of a mouse running up a clock, it’s an erectile dysfunction expert with a torn shirt. He called Alex the mini-Marine a “manlet” and I was just mad that I didn’t think of it first. But when he said he didn’t understand why everyone hated him so much because he only ever “made fun of you behind your back” I realized that he is actually just a 12 year-old hopped up on steroids. In fact, Chad could very well be two 12 year-olds stacked on top of one another like in an episode of Little Rascals.
Chad has been busy getting busy
If you’re sick of talking about Chad, too bad, because nearly an hour of this special was dedicated to his confusingly hairy face. Why does his beard reach all the way to his eyelashes? Is that a side-effect of steroids or just his general dirt-baggery? Someone get back to me.
It turns out that both Robby and Grant’s ex-girlfriends don’t care about Chad’s beard or their own self-respect because they both dated him after the show ended. Yes, Chad was apparently running around scooping up his cast-mate’s ex-girlfriends. Does it get any better any lower that that?
My reaction.
Derek’s Belly Makes a Cameo
Evan (the tattletale with the torn shirt and nose that bleeds more often than his patient’s get erections) got his minute in the spotlight when Chris Harrison ran the tape of his confrontation with Chad. Did Evan push first? Yes, it looks like he probably did, but I was too busy looking at the little slice of dad bod Derek was displaying in the background. Making Derek cry to the music of Evita’s Don’t Cry for Me Argentina in Argentina wasn’t enough. No, poor man’s John Krasinski accidentally flashed us some belly like Honey Boo Boo’s long lost brother on national television. I’m still laughing.
My reaction.
Canadians Are Lovers
Things got a bit heated when Nick B. tried to assert his relevance by challenging Chad to a fight. When Chad just sat back and laughed, Nick got angrier and angrier until our friend from the North stood up to broker a peace agreement. Daniel the Canadian was all of us when he asked, “Typical Americans have to resort to violence!”
My reaction.
Wells Keeps Talking and Talking
I never hid my appreciation for Wells this season. He is just cute and funny enough to keep my attention, but every time that man opened his mouth on the Men Tell All I wanted to sic Chad on him. Rumor has it that the other men had elected Wells to be their mouthpiece when it came to confronting Chad. Much to my annoyance, Wells appears to have read some therapy how-to books while he was in Paradise (more on that later) because he would not stop talking. Go home Wells, no one wants to hear your comparisons of Chad to Piggy’s character in the Lord of the Flies.
My reaction.
Mama’s Boy
In a strange turn of events one of The Bachelor’s mom’s crashed the Men Tell All to tell everyone that JoJo made a huge mistake not picking her son. She looked like an extra on The Real Housewives of New Jersey so I’m pretty sure it was Vinny’s mom. Who is Vinny? Who cares.
My reaction.
Luke is perfect
Once the boys were done talking it was time for my boyfriend to come on stage and be his grown up, perfect self. If Luke isn’t named the Bachelor next season I will seethe passive aggressively in silence so hard. Luke mostly spoke about how much he regretted his time with JoJo ending. He feels like he was truly in love with her, but he will always appreciate her for teaching him how to love again. Start planning your viewing parties, those sound like Bachelor soundbites to me.
When JoJo came out on stage she seemed most reluctant to speak to Luke. It seemed like the wound was still a little raw between them. Especially when she implied that she probably would have kept him if he would have said, “I love you” sooner. Sure, because the giant heart made out of rose petals that he set up in the middle of a field wasn’t a clear sign.
My reaction.
Chase Gets Closure
Finally, it was time for JoJo’s most recent reject to get some closure to his journey into JoJo’s fantasy suite. I know people love Chase. I get that he’s good looking and seems like a normal guy who just wants to spend his weekends finally replacing the railing to his stairs in his living room. But, Chase kept bringing up the fantasy room. Like, what are you upset about Chase? Are you mad that your relationship ended or are you mad that she didn’t sleep with you? One of those are the right answer. Don’t be a jerk.
JoJo apologized for letting things go too far before she ended things and Chase appeared to find satisfaction in her answer. Just not that satisfaction that he had been hoping for, if you know what I mean.
My reaction.
Everyone loves Jojo (except chad)
The Men Tell All episode ended with a short interview with JoJo who assures us that she has found happiness since the end of the show. She at least found happiness with her stylist because, she looked beautiful. All of the men sang her praises while she graciously told them how much fun she had with them. Except Chad. Chad sucks. Go away Chad. Wait, don’t go anywhere until after Bachelor in Paradise, because you’re going to be gold.
My reaction.
Coming Up
Monday night is the big grand finale! Will JoJo end up with Jordan or Robby? Our poll from this week’s episode has 100% of voters saying Jordan is taking home the metaphorical crown. I can’t wait to find out. You don’t want to miss this trailer.
If true-ish love isn’t your thing, but you value endless entertainment and the desire to think you’re better than other people, check out this trailer for Bachelor in Paradise instead.
What did you think of the Men Tell All? Are you team Chase or team Luke for Bachelor? Make sure you follow me on twitter @heidirochelle for live tweets of next week’s finale!
