Not this week.
This week my kids were harder to put to bed than that one Bachelor in the fantasy suite. By the time we were done with all their trips to the bathroom and song singing, I was 15 minutes late to the show and angrier than Chad without his weight belt. I finally turned on my recording expecting to see JoJo in a pair of cutoffs when I realized that the West Coast feed had been delayed because of Bernie Sanders’ speech at the Democratic National Convention. I’m all about the political process, but if Bernie made me miss one more second of The Bachelorette I was going to vote for a third party in November (by third party I mean Chris Harrison). I just want to watch one woman go on vacation with all three of her boyfriends. Is that too much to ask?
My reaction.
Here are my favorite moments from this week’s overnight dates on The Bachelorette with gif reactions.
You’re breaking my heart
Last week’s hometown dates episode ended with a cliffhanger. Was JoJo going to send my boyfriend Luke home even though he finally used the “L” word? Please say no, please say no, please say no.
She said yes. It was awful. You could tell by how deeply he furrowed his forehead wrinkles that Luke was completely blindsided. Their goodbye standing outside the limo of doom was painful to watch. Even my cold and cynical heart was breaking when JoJo said, “I’m going to miss you” and Luke responded, “I miss you already.” I hope Chris Harrison wrote those lines down for his next contemporary romance novel inevitably set in Texas.
When he wasn’t staring at her in disbelief, Luke was blaming himself for squandering his time with JoJo. He said that’s he’s in love with her, but he never got a chance to love her. We get it, you didn’t make it to the overnight dates, no need to be crude. Just kidding, he seemed completely genuine in his distress, as did JoJo as she sobbed into her sequins. Luke’s last words to JoJo were, “I’m sorry.” JoJo replied between her tears with, “Please don’t be sorry. You did nothing.” You’re right, JoJo he didn’t, but you did. You monster!
If Luke isn’t the Bachelor next season, I’m going to break into ABC headquarters and switch out all of the tapes for footage of Bernie Sanders speeches. Don’t test me.
My reaction.
Robby Needs a Makeover
You know how when you go to college you hope your roommate wears the same size as you so you can double the size of your closet? That has to be what JoJo sees in Robby. You just know she was eyeing those white jeggings he wore on their overnight date. His pants are tighter than mine during the fourth week of the month, if you know what I mean.
And another thing, why do the men on this show think throwing a blazer over a crew-neck t-shirt is appropriate for a formal dinner date? At this point I have to assume Ben Higgins is moonlighting as their stylist in between running for Congress and letting Lauren takes snaps of him. I guess next week we should all expect to see Robby in a cable knit sweater. Truly, if Robby isn’t a member of a Miami Vice themed yacht club, his wardrobe is being wasted. Plus, when he does manage to wear a shirt with a collar he makes sure to leave it completely unbuttoned other than the one at the very bottom that most people leave open. Stop it, Robby. No one has enjoyed seeing an undone button down over a men’s ribbed tank top since the Backstreet Boys started needing hair plugs.
My reaction.
Robby loves Joelle
Robby and JoJo explored all that Thailand had to offered by eating street food and getting Thai foot massages. They must have still been in negotiations with Thailand’s tourism board because this date was lame. It was good timing though, because no one wants to see Robby when he misses his weekly pedicure.
They spent their time talking about JoJo’s visit to his hometown. She appreciated that he told her about the drama regarding his ex-girlfriend and he told her about a letter his dad “hid in his pants pocket” in which he encouraged Robby to follow his heart. In related news, Robby’s dad is some sort of magician because there’s no other explanation for how he could sneak a note into his pocket without him noticing. They’re too tight.
Have I mentioned that Robby loves JoJo? You can tell by the way he calls her by her full name (Joelle) in his interviews and the way he says “I love you” to her every five seconds. It comes off as smarmy and disingenuous, but JoJo is at that point in her journey when she is making decisions based on the men’s confidence rather than her own. Robby is so confident that it is making her confident. Plus, when we saw them cuddling in bed the morning after their off-camera time in the fantasy suite, Robby was shirtless and it all made sense again.
My reaction.
No kissing in the temple of doom
The next day (after JoJo showered and made a quick stop by the set nurse for penicillin) she and Jordan went for a beautiful hike through the jungles of Thailand. They stopped at a temple nestled under a natural rock formation that was nearly as breathtaking as JoJo’s energy level after the activities of the previous night.
Of course, there’s no physical intimacy allowed on the temple grounds so Jordan brought up JoJo’s family in order to distract him from the “kiss me” eyes JoJo was pointing his direction. He wanted to know what her parents are like and all of us were like, “her brothers are terrible, it’s going to be great!” Plus, this conversation gave me a chance to use this gif of JoJo’s mom again so I’ll be eternally grateful.
Sure, Jordan. Your biggest reservation about this process is that you want your future wife’s dad to like you. I’m sure you’re not worried about the two other dudes she’s still dating at all.
My reaction.
JoJo wants Jordan
JoJo likes Jordan. In my mind it’s game over. Jordan has been her pick since night one when she gave him the first impression rose, or maybe earlier if you believe the rumors about her knowing him prior to the show. So, this date was really about JoJo deciding if she can trust Jordan to love her back. She did not go easy on him.
She asked him where he sees himself in a year and he didn’t have a clear answer. Geez, JoJo, don’t you know former second string pro-football players live a life of mystery? He probably has a full schedule of appearances for people who think he’s his brother Aaron. Stop trying to hold him back.
Honestly, it doesn’t matter what Jordan said, JoJo admitted in a voice over that she is in love with him, but she isn’t ready to say it to him yet. Or at least not on camera. I don’t know what happened after they closed the door to their suite, but based on the way Jordan said he woke up “with a smile on his face” because they “took a big step last night in a really excited direction,” I think we can venture a guess.
My reaction.
Third is the worst
Last, and certainly least, was Chase’s date. Oh Chase, why are you still here instead of Luke? JoJo and not-Luke went on a boat ride on the disturbingly green ocean waters of Thailand. They talked about the wild monkeys instead of anything of substance because they have nothing in common.
If I could teach Chase anything it would be to not go on this show. If I could teach Chase two things it would be to READ THE ROOM. JoJo is not that into you, Chase. Stop telling her how in love you are. I mean sure, she gave you mixed signals by kissing you all day and offering you the key to the fantasy suite, but there was panic in her eyes. So much panic that she sent him packing immediately after he declared his love to her in the living room of what was essentially their honeymoon suite. I love this show.
Chase was rightfully furious. He had just poured his poor broken soul out to her after hurdling over the walls of his heart and she was like, “no thanks”. To be fair, her inconsolable sobbing proved how terrible she felt, but she should really be better at break ups by now.
Then Chase had to go and ruin my good will by making it seem like what he was actually upset about wasn’t that their relationship ending. No he was upset that he got the fantasy suite card without the actual fantasy fulfillment. He said it was like having his “pants pulled down and then getting kicked in the nuts”. That’s disgusting and it makes me not like you.
My reaction.
Robby acts like robby
Oh wait, did I fail to mention that Robby crashed JoJo’s date with Chase to pee a quick circle of ownership around her? Chase never stood a chance. Robby knocked on her door when she was changing before dinner because he wanted to make sure she knew that he wants a life with her. He’s ready for “country clubs and coloring books”. Could he be any more annoying?
My reaction.
You again?
The final rose ceremony should have been pretty straight forward since only Robby and Jordan remain, but this is The Bachelorette so nothing can be that simple. Just as she was giving her final speech, Chase showed up to apologize for leaving his unexpected breakup in anger. Where’s your pride, Chase? The fantasy suite has already been given to some unknowing honeymooning couple, move on. No, JoJo wasn’t going to give Chase another chance. In a hilarious moment, he was “chased” off the premises by a wild monkey whom I’ve named Chris Harrison.
My reaction.
That was awkward
JoJo handed out her last two roses with a really awkward speech about how much Robby and Jordan men to her. Both of them. Jordan said, “It felt good for her to say she felt confident in what she feels for me…and she said it about Robby. So that didn’t feel so good. I was hoping for kinda a one sided situation…but…” Keep dreaming, Jordan. This is The Bachelorette and it is wonderful.
My reaction.
Coming Up
Next Monday is the finale! JoJo’s journey to find instgram followers love will come to an end. We’ll get to find out if her mom drinks wine from the bottle again. We’ll get to find out if she picks Jordan or Robby. We’ll get to find out if any of us still care about this show. Just kidding, we care. We really, really care.
Plus, the Men Tell All special aired Tuesday night so you can look forward to a recap of that delicious nugget of all that is drama tomorrow.
My reaction.
My Final Pick (No Spoilers)
I’m going with Jordan for the big “winner” of the season. I think it’s obvious that JoJo has been into him from the beginning, but hey I’m bound to be wrong about something eventually (no I’m not) so who do you think is going to win JoJo’s heart?
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What did you think about JoJo’s choice to get rid of Luke and Chase? Did Chase really mean that about the fantasy suite or am I crazy? The monkey’s name is obviously Chris Harrison, right? Tell me in the comments.
