No, I don’t mean the tweeting war between Hillary Clinton and the human Orange Julius known as Donald Drumpf. I mean Outlander fans taking on the Priceline negotiator himself, William Shatner.
First, the May-December bromance between Captain Kirk and Sam Heughan is a entirely separate post that would require deep scrutiny and analysis, accompanied by GIFs of people scratching their heads and possibly one of Beyonce’s eyes bugging out. But yesterday, good old Shat took to Twitter to defend his brah (and changed his profile pic which means Best Friends 4eva) in a series of tweets that seem to defy alpha and omega. Here’s just a sample:
After what I've seen and read in the past two days it's time to call the CaitSam ship the Titanic!
— William Shatner (@WilliamShatner) June 9, 2016
Was this the first shot? Did Sam secretly text him and use emoji codes to plead for help? Who knows but suddenly everyone, including staff and actors on Outlander, took to Twitter to either throw some whisky on the fire or beg for a ceasefire. And then Daddy Sam came out and he’s putting some of you in a time out:
Looks I missed something last night. I'm not getting involved as has nothing to do with me. All old enough to know better. Love you all.x
— Sam Heughan (@SamHeughan) June 10, 2016
And if that wasn’t enough to get you to listen, Mama T came in and used all caps, which means business:
I will clearly repeat. I am asking everyone to stop. To show EVERYONE respect and to try to change the way we speak of and to each other.
— Terry Dresbach (@draiochta14) June 10, 2016
And what did that spark? This classy American Greetings tweet complete with not only one but two heart emojis from William Shatner. Be forewarned, once you see this, it will be seared forever in your brain.
— William Shatner (@WilliamShatner) June 10, 2016
So, it had us thinking, what started this war? Was someone angry that Priceline didn’t give them a fair deal for their Scottish Outlander tour? Rather than us wading hours upon hours of tweets, why not just come up with our theories of what possibly started the war we’re calling “Shatlander”? Here’s just a few of our guesses:
From what I know, Sam Heughan went to visit his buddy William Shatner on his horse farm and forgot a cowboy hat. Embarrassed and concerned that the fans would judge him for such an obvious mistake, he photo-shopped a hat on to himself in the pictures in what will forever be known as #Hatgate.
— That’s Normal (@Thats_Normal) June 7, 2016
During their time together, Sam confided in Shatner that yes, sometimes it does bother him when he’s sexually harassed online by grown women, andd it’s pretty annoying that fans think he’s with Caitriona forever and always when really he just wants to get frisky with pretty young blondes.
Meanwhile, Caitriona went on a Talk show and said nothing offensive about Fans.
A certain contingent of Outlander fans, concerned that nothing dramatic had happened in the past 3 days, tweeted about Caitriona saying something offensive about fans. (She did not.)
William Shatner, having nothing else to do and feeling bad for his friend Sam, who not only forgot a cowboy hat but also has to deal with online harassment on a daily basis when he just wants to lie with a pretty young thang, decided to get involved and began tweeting.
And I literally have no idea what happened after that.
Heidi (AKA The real story…sorta)
Okay, so I could pretend that I didn’t spend time going Nancy Drew on this Outlander Fandom drama, but I’m not a liar (except when I have to write down my weight for my Driver’s License at the DMV). From what I can gather with my advanced internet sleuthing skills and complete lack of shame, the Sam/Cait shippers got offended when Caitriona said she thinks fans confuse herself and Sam with the characters they play. Tweets started flying from the shippers about how they know the difference between actors and characters because they’re not stupid. Caitriona subtweeted that she NEVER called fans stupid.
Just to clarify. I have NEVER + would NEVER call fans stupid and don’t appreciate people saying I have when its v. clear what I did say.
— Caitriona Balfe (@caitrionambalfe) June 8, 2016
Then enters William Shatner, the troll of all trolls who decided to singlehandedly destroy the shippers on behalf of his bestie Sam by tweeting vitriolically at them for the better part of two days. I have a theory that Mr. Shatner accidentally took two blue pills that night thinking he’s seen Samwise so he had some extra energy to expend. (I made that up. Don’t troll me, Captain Kirk, my iPhone battery is old and can’t keep up with the notifications.) So then everyone got mad, Terry Dresbach somehow got involved, and people started forming “Outlander United” anti-bullying coalitions.
Just when things were slowing down, Sam tweeted to let everyone know that he’ll be staying out of the drama. Because nothing says “I’m staying out of drama” like tweeting it to your 247k followers. Okay, bye. I’ll be writing Nancy Drew/Hardy Boy FanFic if you need me.
Here’s what I know: William Shatner tweets about Outlander, he interviewed Sam for Interview Magazine and they went into deep thoughts about farting in bed.
As Shatner was once on a popular television show, I’m sure he’s been the subject of many ships, and most likely they all had to do with Spirk – a ship of Kirk and Spock.
Why, yes. This is a photo manipulation from the play, A Plague Over England, staring Sam Heughan. You’re welcome.
Understanding Sam’s predicament, knowing that Caitriona and Sam have now publicly addressed their friends with fake benefits status, and fueled by horses and the fan gifted whisky Sam brought along with him, Shatner took the reigns and in 140 characters, murdered the dreams of fans who hoped that Sam and Cait would really create a baby and name her Breanna or go the Beyonce/Jay-Z route with Red Rose or Gwyneth Paltrow it with Rhubarb.
That, or William Shatner wants to be shipped with Cait and start the new moniker, Balfner.
My theory is that Bill (as his close friends and Diana calls him) got upset when he saw that an Outlander fan* photo shopped this bromantic photo of him and Sam together.
Shatner is strictly a maple bar kind of guy and doesn’t appreciate being wrongly viewed as the type of man who would support sprinkles on donuts.
This fight is about truth in Outlander journalism. #outlandergate
Also, I wrote a song. I just got back from Germany and I cannot stop singing Sound of Music songs. Yes, I know that was set in Austria. Germany, Austria. Same thing. Sing my lyrics to the tune of Sixteen Going Seventeen:
You are fifty going on fifty
Baby it’s time to think
Stop and just have a drink
You are sixty going on sixty
Don’t be a sad luddite
Eager young gals
And Sam Heughan’s pals
@ mention you when they fight
One hundred and forty characters
To talk about your ships
Crazy and nuts and weird are you
Fighting with fingertips!
You need someone saner and wiser
Telling you what to do
I am forty going on forty
Let me Outsplain to you!
Herself tweeting to Sam.
— Nikki Pierce (@itshowtimenikki) June 9, 2016