As you’ll remember from your reoccurring nightmares, the last two episodes of wonder and glory ended on a cliffhanger. JoJo had just dumped hangry-Chad on the two-on-one date for having excessive testosterone. This left Chad to wander the Pennsylvania woods, whistling like Pinocchio on a protein powder bender. When we last saw him, he was ominously streaking his hands down the glass door of the men’s house. It was terrifying, but mostly because I doubt they tipped the maid well enough to clean those fingermarks. Rude.
Here are my top moments from Week 4 of JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette with gif reactions.
Chad is sorry not sorry
When the bottom half of an anonymous production assistant made their TV debut by removing Chad’s bag from the house, the remaining men rejoiced at his demise like the village dragon had just been slain. I’m just going to go ahead and assume that alcohol was involved in their decision to hold a memorial service for “arguably the worst person anyone has ever met” which involved flinging the dredges of Chad’s barrel of protein powder into the air while shouting “death to tyrants,” otherwise it’s just embarrassing.
Finally, just when everyone was getting comfortably smug, we got to see Chad show up again with the creepy fingers streaking on the window. Why did he come back to the house? I legit have no idea. I guess to make sure everyone knows he doesn’t regret anything he said? Or maybe just to squeeze Jordan’s hand in the handshake equivalent of a passive aggressive roid rage? Or was it to give Evan another reason to ask about the money for his stupid t-shirt so that we could hear Chad refer to his Erectile Dysfunction expertise as “dick stores”? All of that happened, but I’m pretty sure he came back just to give the producers a reason to ruin two weeks of my life wondering what was going to happen. I’m not bitter or anything.
Chad said, “sorry, not sorry” and left just in time for Alex to be hoisted onto the other men’s shoulders Rudy style while they chanted “slayer of the dragon” over and over again. I did not make that up.
My reaction.
Let’s Get rid of some people
With the Chad drama firmly behind us (unless you follow him on social media, and you should, he’s gold), it was finally time to get rid of some excess bachelor baggage at the rose ceremony. But first we had to endure the awkwardness of JoJo being passed around the men at the cocktail party.
Here’s a tip from me to you, if you ever have the misfortune of being cast on this show and you think to yourself, “I should write and recite a poem right now,” DON’T. James F. learned that lesson the hard way this week with a poem JoJo described as “unbelievable” but she meant unbelievably bad. Robby and JoJo made wishes for their future by throwing coins into a fountain and then making out in front of everyone which made me wish they’d stop. Then, Luke told JoJo he’s falling for her so my secret JoJo/Luke wedding board on Pinterest is going public any day. Oh and I’m pretty sure Jordan got to second base with JoJo in the room directly neighboring the rest of the guys, but she liked it and so did I. The rest of the guys you’ll never remember pouted that they didn’t get as much time with JoJo as they wanted. Try being more interesting next time.
In the end, JoJo sent home boxer-turned-poet James F. and Daniel the Canadian who managed to fulfill my every Canadian stereotype by saying “Good-bye, eh?” when he exited. Of course, he then followed it up with an interview in which he stated that he wasn’t surprised to be going home because, “she is obviously going for personality and my personality is shit.” In fact, he thinks he had a better chance of being “hit by lightening while (insert drunken pause) shaving my face.” Never change, Daniel, eh?
My reaction.
Jealous of Jordan
So long, Pennsylvania, JoJo and the boys are headed to…Uruguay? That’s random. But hey, at least it means warm beaches, which in turn means less shirts being worn. Am I right?
Jordan got the first one-on-one date in South America where he and JoJo went on a yacht ride and being shark bait by swimming with seals in the ocean. I’m sure it was riveting, but most of their date was voiced over with the petty complaints of the jealous men who were left behind. It turns out that with Chad gone, the men have lost their common enemy so they’ve all turned into what Evan calls “mini-Chads.” Although, I’m pretty sure that thanks to Chad’s intense eating regimen they’re all mini in comparison. The incessant whining and complaining about Jordan getting the date was highly annoying to me. Here’s a little advice boys, if you want to get the date cards you need to be hotter or more controversial. What are you, new?
Jordan and JoJo had a bit of drama when JoJo admitted to google stalking him knowing one of his exes, because of course she does. She confronted him with an accusation that he’s not a good boyfriend, which he vehemently rejected saying that he has never cheated. I mean, sure, he enjoyed talking to girls while he had a girlfriend, but, like, sports are hard. Eyeroll. JoJo thinks he’s hot believed him so he got the date rose. Is Jordan there for the right reasons? Who cares, his hair is amazing.
My reaction.
Boys like Gossip too
While Jordan was off having his past relationships scrutinized by a woman concurrently dating 11 men, the rest of the guys were back at the hotel’s barbershop getting their hair cut by Vinny. Naturally, they found an old issue of In Touch magazine that featured an interview with JoJo’s ex-boyfriend from before Ben H., Chad (hanging-Chad, not hangry-Chad). Can we all agree this has not been a good season to be named Chad?
First off, well done In Touch magazine for the prime time advertising, I salute you. Second of all, do they really have nothing better to do? Just kidding, I can’t judge, I love reading those magazines and that particular article was riveting. Hanging-Chad accused JoJo of only being on The Bachelorette for fame. As if there is any other reason to be on this show. The men discussed the article ad nauseam, until I wanted to personally call the President of Uruguay and have them deported. I think that’s a thing.
JoJo gushed in her post-Jordan date interview that nothing could ruin her day, so naturally the producers handed her a copy of the article and made her cry. No one is allowed to have good days around here, JoJo! She felt betrayed by hanging-Chad and was deeply upset that “her guys” had read his remarks. She wanted to clear things up with the men so she hurriedly headed to their hotel room without shoes on. Walking around a Uruguayan hotel without shoes on? That’s the real tragedy here. She emotionally assured the men that she is “here for the right reasons” (Bachelor Bingo!) which caused the men to comfort her with words like, “Don’t be upset.” Just what every girl wants to hear when she’s sad.
My reaction.
Everyone Needs a little Reassurance
You better dry those tears, JoJo, because the next day it was time for the sand boarding group date. It’s like snow boarding, but in the sand. Because, why wouldn’t you want to get sand in all of your bits and pieces while on a date. Sounds like a blast. No one was good at sand boarding, because it’s a stupid activity, but everyone was pretty good at getting jealous of one another. The mini-Chads were out in force (hangry, not hanging).
After they showered off the sand, and traded in their stars and striped themed t-shirts that I assume they had all picked up in the airport gift shop, it was time for the after party. Naturally they, once again, played a riveting game of hot potato JoJo. As in, they passed her around hoping to get caught with her long enough to get camera time make a connection. Alex felt like he made a pretty good impression, but it was Derek who got the date rose, because JoJo wanted to “give him reassurance.”
Alex. Was. Furious.
No one gives Derek a pity rose without Alex making him feel crappy about it. I guess hangry-Chad wasn’t the only issue, huh Mini-Marine? I’m sensing a pattern here.
My reaction.
Things get awkward
We’ll get back to the mini-Marine in a minute, but first it’s time for Robby’s first one-on-one date. It’s a good thing he’s finally getting a date, because Robby has been “waiting for weeks” to tell JoJo that he’s in love with her. Sure, this is their first time being alone on a date and they met for the first time four weeks ago but it’s love, guys. I mean, I’ve had pedicures that last longer than four weeks (something Robby would know all about since he and Jordan had a little spa date earlier in the episode) but it’s definitely love, not a shameless grasp for air time. Stop being such a cynic.
Before Robby can spill the premature love beans at dinner, he makes a bunch of metaphors about diving and jumping into love. Completely coincidentally, he and JoJo jump off a cliff into the ocean where she attempted to drown him rather than tread water. No foreshadowing there, I’m sure. That night he finally confessed his love after explaining that since losing his best friend in a tragic car accident he doesn’t hold anything back. JoJo went slightly bug eyed and responded with the “thank you” kiss of death. In the end he did receive the date rose and JoJo confessed that she’s falling for him too. But let’s be honest, that was the wine talking.
My reaction.
Mean Girls Guys
Remember how I said we’d get back to Alex, the mini-Marine? Well Derek decided the time to deal with him was right before the cocktail party was supposed to start. Poor man’s John Krasinski (no offense to poor men), called out Jordan, Robby, Alex and Chase for being a “Mean Girl Clique”. First off, thank you for the Mean Girls reference; millenials everywhere salute you. Second of all, you should know better than to come at Jordan with the good hair and his lap dog, Alex. That strategy hasn’t worked for anyone yet.
Derek seems like a nice guy, but he’s clearly a beta in a house full of self-professed alphas. They shut him down just in time for Chris Harrison to announce that the cocktail party was cancelled. JoJo came in wearing a gorgeous green gown without a single sequin to be found on it. It was a fashion miracle. She explained how emotional this week had been before ultimately sending home fireman Grant, barber/DJ Vinny, and (drumroll please) flaccid penis expert/dick store owner, Evan. Finally! Evan somehow managed to exit the room without a nosebleed, but not without tearing up while he said he “tried his hardest.” That sounds like something he hears at work a lot.
My reaction.
Something to look forward to
Next week JoJo and her merry men are headed to Argentina where I imagine they’ll eat steak while discussing South American economic development and braiding each other’s hair. I’ll bet you a stars and stripes t-shirt someone ends up dancing the Tango in an embarrassing costume.
My reaction.
My Top Picks (No spoilers)
Clockwise from top left: Jordan, Luke, Chase, Robby
My top four hasn’t changed on The Bachelorette for a few weeks now. Honestly, I could probably narrow it down to a top two, leaving only Luke and Jordan behind, but I am holding out to see how things develop with Chase. I’m personally hoping to see Luke as our next Bachelor, but only if he stops singing on Snapchat, because it’s not cute.
What did you think about hangry-Chad’s exit from The Bachelorette? Do you think the magazine was a plant? Why is Alex always in the center of the drama? Talk to me in the comments!
