This week I’m writing from the comfort of the hotel room I’m sharing with my husband and three children. I don’t know where Chris Harrison is hiding out with those fantasy suite keys, but I’m about to Where’s Waldo his handsome, empathetic face. At this point I have the attitude of a Bachelorette contestant when he runs out of protein powder so I hope you all are ready for some snark.
Here are my favorite moments from the second episode of The Bachelorette 2016 with gif reactions.
Time To Play Dress Up
It’s finally time for the first group date of the season which means JoJo arrived at the mansion dressed like a sexy firefighter. In case the the world’s least subtle innuendo wasn’t obvious, she made sure to wave around a water spewing hose for good measure. At this point I can only assume she’ll be a sexy librarian or teacher next week. Lean in, ladies.
But hey, they’re all about equality on The Bachelorette so they also dressed the 10 men participating in this intimate date (Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F., Wells, and Robby) like Firefighters as they competed in a training course. That seems like a great way to get to know the person you will be rejecting a proposal from in a few weeks.
My reaction.
After Parties are for kissing
My boy Wells got some extra camera time during the group date when he got winded during the fake fire fighting activities. Naturally that meant he got to sit and woo JoJo in between almost barfing. Take that, Fire Academy. The other guys made fun of Wells for weighing less than the equipment he was wearing which just proves how weird dudes are. If someone told me I weighed less than what I was wearing I’d thank them. Later during the after party Wells showed JoJo pictures of his dog and earned himself the pity date rose. My adoration of Wells thanks you, JoJo.
Grant won the obstacle course because he’s an actual real life Firefighter. What’s next, a swimming competition for Robby and a tight pants wearing contest for Jordan? No fair! His big prize was some extra time to tell JoJo how scary it would be to be married to someone who puts their life on the line every time they go to work. Stop bragging, Grant; I’m sure Evan, the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist, faces danger everyday too. Grant got an awkward kiss from JoJo so he’s not going anywhere, but let’s be real, they’re keeping him for the swimsuit shots.
Saving the best for last, Luke the West Point grad and leather jacket wearing extraordinaire, convinced me to ignore his lack of facial expressions when he kissed JoJo like his life depended on it. He said, “that’s the way first kisses are supposed to go” in his Texan drawl and I just nodded my head in agreement and started a Tumblr page dedicated to them.
My reaction.
Time to take a nap
Good thing JoJo had the memories of her perfect first kiss with Luke to entertain her because she’s going to need them to get through her boring date with Derek. I’m pretty sure this date was inspired by a choose-your-own-adventure book, because poor man’s John Krasinski and JoJo had to make decisions along the way to get to their date. They chose air, not water, North, not South and ended up in San Francisco. At least I think that’s what happened; I nodded off sometime around when they started playing thumb war in the plane. I didn’t make that up. JoJo is way nicer than I am though because Derek got the date rose after sharing his fear of relationships after being cheated on in the past. Wake me up when it’s over.
My reaction.
Why are they singing?
Meanwhile back at the mansion, the rest of the men who weren’t boring me to tears (except Chad) formed a glee club. It was horrible. Singer-Songwriter James Taylor (not that one) led the group in a rousing rendition of a song that I can only assume was called “JoJo” because the words “Jo Jo Jo Jo” were repeated ad nauseam. This song had the power to make even the hottest of contestants remind me that they were probably born in the 1990s. Who thought this was a good idea?
My reaction.
Chad Fan Club
I know most people won’t agree with me (because they still believe The Bachelorette is about finding love), but Chad is the best thing to ever happen to this show. When he wasn’t making a weight belt by stuffing a piece of luggage with protein powder and tying it to his waist, he was making fun of the other contestants. He is self-absorbed, rejects social niceties and mercilessly mocks the men on this show. In other words, he could definitely sit at my lunch table where I would judge him for being a misogynistic jerk, but laugh at his jokes. Plus, he probably needs a lunch table because he’s constantly eating which is amazing because no one ever eats on this show.
Don’t get me wrong, yes he’s horrible. The other men hate him and he’s about one roid rage away from earning a spot in the MLB Hall of Fame, but he’s also amazing TV. When the 3 men who didn’t get dates this week were sad Chad told them to get over it saying, “You’ve gone a full life without seeing JoJo. You can’t wait like a day? You can chill, she’ll be here, she’s not going to disappear next week. She’s not going to get on a jet and fly away to Malaysia.” I’m sorry, that’s hilarious and true. I can’t wait to watch him get sent home on Bachelor in Paradise.
My reaction.
Watching The Bachelorette is my sport
Hey look, it’s time for another group date. This time Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T., Alex, and Chad get to go with JoJo to the ESPN studio where SportsNation is filmed. The hosts of SportsNation (whom I’m sure are very important sports people, but I just don’t care enough to find out their names) put the men through a series of tests like a celebratory dance competition, a fake proposal and a press conference. They couldn’t have possibly picked an activity that would interest me less. What did interest me was the fact that Chad takes himself way too seriously.
The rest of the guys were in on the joke that is The Bachelorette franchise as a whole. They acted goofy and played the games like good sports. Meanwhile Chad called them liars for pretending they knew anything about JoJo after one date. I mean, he’s not wrong. Then again, he also managed to call JoJo naggy during his fake proposal so that’s a sure win. But JoJo loves to be a cliche so she’s falling for his bad boy shtick. Chad was uncomfortably, brutally honest in his inability to tell JoJo that he likes her yet, let alone loves her, and she totally fell for it. She may have given the group rose to the adorably genuine James Taylor, but first she gave Chad a passionate kiss by the wishing well when he told her he adopted his recently deceased mom’s dog.
I can’t believe I just typed that sentence.
My reaction.
Fight! Fight! Fight!
JoJo and I may be the only ones who appreciate Chad’s brutal honesty because the men of the mansion can not stand him. The way he greeted JoJo on the steps before the party made them mad. The way he ate plate after plate of cured meat and appetizers made them irate. The way he simply doesn’t care what they think about him made them want to use his face as a drum when they finally got around to singing their “JoJo” song at the annual Bachelorette talent show.
Alex (who is affectionately coined “mini-marine” in my house) was ready to throw down with Chad. Sure Chad has like 4 feet of height on him, but as TN contributor Tiffany pointed out, he probably has mad hand-to-hand combat skills so Chad should probably find a plate of corned beef and chill. Plus, this episode aired on Memorial Day, if the Marine didn’t put the beat down on the smarmy Luxury Real Estate Developer it would just be un-American.
Who cares what the men think of Chad though, because JoJo saved him during the rose ceremony. Instead, she sent home James S. (the Bachelor Super Fan), Will (some guy who chose to TP the mansion with JoJo during their one-on-one time) and Brandon (the hipster). Don’t care, show me more dudes fighting.
My reaction.
next week
I don’t even know, guys. I don’t even know. Apparently, the masochists at ABC have decided we have nothing better to do with our time, because they’re airing two episodes next week. Two. That’s approximately 4 hours of The Bachelorette. That’s more time than I spend hiding in the bathroom from my kids in any given week. Oh and I guess Chad is going to fight with the Erectile Dysfunction guy or something. Don’t worry, I’ll still watch it so you don’t have to.
My reaction.
my top picks (no spoilers)
Clockwise from top left: Jordan, Robby, Luke, and Chase
I knew I needed to add Chase to my top four when the production interns he planned a fake blizzard outside for JoJo because “winter is his favorite.” Who is he, Ned Stark? The only thing that could have made the scene cuter was if he had brought her a Blizzard ice cream from Dairy Queen, because yum. So, Chase is kicking Wells out of my top four. Why Wells and not Robby who we have barely seen? Because Robby seems more her type (and I’ve seen pictures of him shirtless). I still heart you, Wells.
What did you think of this week’s episode? Do you think I’m crazy to want Chad to stay in the house? Do you miss seeing Wells’ face in my top four? Let’s talk in the comments.
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