Hold onto your CrossFit membership and v-neck t-shirt everyone, The Bachelorette is back next Monday and there are cast bios to superficially judge.

My usual level of excitement on a midweek afternoon hovers around the “who is going to get kicked off Survivor tonight while we eat ice cream after the kids go to bed” mark. So when ABC finally posted the cast bios to their website it was a game changer. My excitement level peaked to equal parts “the night before Christmas when you’re five years-old” and “about to walk into a haunted house where scary things jump out at you.”

Who are we going to meet? Are there double digit numbers of personal trainers again this season? Did they ship in the pomade by the barrel? Which one has a secret family? TELL ME EVERYTHING.

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Somewhere in this great country, former Bachelor Ben Higgins is cuddling up with his fiance Lauren Bushnell (formerly known as Lauren B. – she must have graduated kindergarten) wondering how their fantasy suite ended up being a one bedroom apartment in Denver. Meanwhile his reject JoJo, the adorable 25 year-old Real Estate Developer from Dallas, has moved on to bigger and more numerous things. Bigger as in, these guys don’t have Ben’s dad bod (I did very professional research) and more numerous as in, 26 single men vying for the camera her attention.

You know what JoJo needs right now? A friend to make snap judgments about the guys she’s dating.

By friend I mean me. Obviously.

Introducing the Men of The Bachelorette – AKA You’re welcome, JoJo

1. Get A Job

At first glance Brandon and James S. couldn’t look more different from one another. I mean, if the Bachelor mansion were Hogwarts, Brandon would clearly belong to Slytherin while the Sorting Hat would send James S. to the Hufflepuff table faster than you could say “Neville Longbottom is hot now.” However, they do have one thing in common: They’re both being judged by me for their made up occupations.

No Brandon and James S. (which I pronounce as Jamessssss), despite what your court appointed therapist tells you, “Hipster” and “Bachelor Superfan” are not actual jobs. If you want to win over our working woman JoJo, I recommend hitting up Craigslist pronto. I hear The Wizarding World of Harry Potter is hiring.

2. Coming up short

I don’t know who broke into the Disney vault to make these two princes come to life, but hello Prince Eric and Aladdin! Alex the U.S. Marine and Ali the Bartender make me want to recite the Pledge of Allegiance and open up a tab respectively. But wait, what’s that? You’re both under 5’8″ tall?  That cuts me deep, boys.

Sure, JoJo is only 5’4″, vertically challenged men need love too, and LOOK AT THEIR FACES, but this is The Bachelorette. What kind of promo can they make of your silhouettes in the sunset when she’s towering over you in those platform shoes that make her legs look amazing in the requisite cutoff shorts? Sorry guys, I’m sure there’s some other equally as demoralizing way of finding a future spouse out there somewhere. That’s what the internet is for. Go wild.

3. Feeling Sporty

Moving on to bigger and better things, we have the pleasure of meeting Former Professional Quarterback, Jordan and Former Competitive Swimmer, Robby. You’re welcome. If Jordan looks familiar to you it’s because he’s the lauded Green Bay Packer’s Quarterback Aaron Rodger’s younger, less successful, brother. If Robby looks familiar to you it’s because you’ve been perusing old college swim team photos again and you really need to stop; it’s creepy.

I’ve got a good feeling about these two. Maybe it’s the blinding white smiles or the way they make those high school yearbook photo backgrounds work. Whatever it is, I’ll be keeping my eye on these two 27 year-old athletes. It’s a difficult job, but someone has to do it.

4. So Close and yet…

These three men fall firmly in the “I like you, but I’m just not sold yet” category. I’m not sure what it is exactly. Sure, they’re all three obviously good looking and intriguing, but something about each of their bios gave me pause.

Grant the 27 year-old Firefighter looks like he may break the mold on men with ugly tattoos this season, but his worst date memory is a girl talking about Harry Potter for 20 minutes and (clearly from my first point in this post) I find that unacceptable. Accio an open mind, Grant.

Nick B. the 33 year-old Electrical Engineer seems like a genuinely nice guy who is ready for a stable relationship according to his bio, but what’s with his use of smiley face emoticons? Unless you’re updating your AIM away message in 2003, that colon and parenthesis is unnecessary.

Honestly, I don’t care too much about what Luke the 31 year-old War Veteran said on his bio because he looks like he belongs on a soap opera and he’s a war veteran but I can admit that his unironic utilization of the word “swag” to describe Superman was off-putting.

You three are going to have to work hard to impress me. Just kidding, I love you already. Find me on Twitter.

5. Giving Major Side-eye

These three gentlemen earned some major side-eye from me while I devoured read their bios. Something about them just isn’t right.

Chase, I don’t care how cute all 6’3″ of you is with that good hair and appreciation for the Chronicles of Narnia; when they ask you if there’s anything you’re not willing to do for love you don’t say “sell my truck.” It’s a truck, not your kidney.

As for you Christian, your freckles and enthusiasm are inspiring, but no one wants to hear about your lap dances in college. On second thought, I need more information. Was he giving the dances? Receiving them? Was it for charity? I think I just discovered the first sad backstory of the season. Make sure you mark your Bachelorette bingo cards.

Oh and you thought you were going to get off easy, James Taylor with your good ol’ boy vibe and American flag tattoo? Think again. You are a Singer-Songwriter named James Taylor and not once did you mention how sweet it is to be loved by you. That’s just fishy.

6. Who are you again?

As we all know, there are always a few contestants that fall somewhere in the middle of the pack who are just completely forgettable. They’re there to fill out the cast, maybe do something ridiculous on night one, get tossed around in the inevitable boxing group date and then embarrass themselves on Bachelor in Paradise this summer. Take a good look at these gentlemen because you’ll probably never see them again.

7. The beginning of a crush

Okay, so I’ve only known these men for the couple of minutes it took to memorize their class schedules and practice writing our names together in my homeroom binder, but in the words of Mandy Moore’s 2001 hit single, “I’ve got a crush on youuuu.”  These two are too adorable. I don’t know if it was 29 year-old Commercial Banker Derek’s love of the movie Hook or his disconcerting fear of fluffy kittens and cucumbers, but I’m in. Wells may be a 31 year-old Radio DJ with a frat boy name, but he also has a clever wit and hates pizza. Which is great, because more pizza for me. Do you think they have a date to prom?

8. You already bug me

All I’ve done is read their bios and I already want to fast forward through these two men’s confessionals. They don’t even make it difficult to dislike them.

Daniel, a 31 year-old model, refers to his body as a “lambo” as in he doesn’t have any tattoos because “you don’t put stickers on a lambo.” If that wasn’t bad enough he said his worst date fear would be if the girl doesn’t look like she does in pictures. I can almost hear him mansplaining date activities to JoJo from here. Hard pass.

Then there’s Sal who appears to be an average 28 year-old Operations Manager until he said he’d bring a “cell phone, gun and portable air conditioner” to a deserted island with him. Is he going to pack a generator too, or is he going to Gilligan’s Island some sort of cell tower out of coconut husks? Then he has the audacity to clarify that no Kardashians would be allowed on the technologically overrun island. Like Khloe would go to his stupid island anyway. No thanks.

9. Just sit and look pretty

It wouldn’t be The Bachelorette if there wasn’t completely gratuitous eye candy. They certainly didn’t let us down this season; however, let’s just say that these four fellas didn’t exactly wow in the brains department.

Sure it was only a few short questions to answer but Chad, the former Marine turned Luxury Real Estate Agent, managed to use the phrase “alright, alright, alright” twice in his bio. No, he’s not actually Mathew McConaughey in disguise; I checked.

Will may be a Civil Engineer, but if he could be anyone for one day he’d be John Mayer so he could “melt faces with a guitar solo, then melt hearts with some sappy lyrics.” Just what every girl wants; melted body parts. Swoon.

I don’t even know what Nick S. was doing with that jaunty kerchief tied around his neck, but he once chased a mountain lion so I don’t think we can trust his instincts.

Then there was Vinny, the Barber with a seriously questionable haircut. Is that like an updated George Clooney Caesar he has going on? I don’t like it or the way I imagine him speaking with a stereotypical New Jersey accent.

10. Never going to happen

I could pretend to care that these two men have a zero percent chance of making it past the first night, but I won’t. Every party has guest they don’t actually expect to stick around and that’s why we invited you, Coley and Evan.

Maybe I’m not being fair. Coley seems like a perfectly decent human being, but he said the Fourth of July is is favorite holiday “because ‘Merica” and that’s unacceptable. Then I read on Twitter that it looks like a SnapChat face distorting filter has been used on his picture and now I can’t unsee it. I hope he face-swaps with Chris Harrison next.

Then there’s Evan the goateed, necklace wearing, 90’s hair, Erectile Dysfunction Expert. What does that even mean? Does he suffer from ED and is therefore a self-professed expert? Has he spent a lot of time on WebMD? Is there some sort of certification outside of, you know…medical school, that one participates in before they can call themselves an Erectile Dysfunction Expert?

On second thought, that seems like a useful occupation in the Bachelor Mansion. Let him stay, JoJo. Save the flaccid genital guy!

My top Picks (No spoilers allowed!)

These picks are based completely on my gut reaction to their bios, general Bachelor expertise, and excellent taste. I think it’ll be Robby, Jordan, Luke and Derek in the final four. Or at least they’ll star heavily in the fan fiction I plan to write in my spare time.

What do you think of the guys? Who are your top picks? Who do you think is going to show up dressed as Santa? Why is Jonathan wearing a kilt in the group photo? Tell me in the comments, but if you tell me spoilers I’ll give Evan your phone number.

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The Bachelerotte starts next Monday 5/23 on ABC!