What do you get when you put one recently jilted woman in a mansion with 26 single men hopped up on human growth hormones (allegedly, don’t sue me)? Completely and utter mayhem. I imagine the atmosphere is similar to a daycare center where JoJo plays the attendant handing out the juice cups at snack time. That is to say, she’s popular and these men are thirsty. It’s wonderful.
Here are my favorite moments from the premiere of The Bachelorette 2016 with gif reactions.
Meet the Bachelorette
This episode opened with a clip of 25 year-old JoJo dressed professionally in the office of her successful real estate development company in Dallas.
Just kidding.
It opened with a shot of her walking on the beach in her bikini reminiscing about her break up with Bachelor Ben. By break up we mean total rejection and humiliation on national television only a few short months ago. I was undoubtedly Team Lauren last season, but watching the clips from JoJo’s perspectives was rough. Ben strung her along, lied to her and then blindsided her when he promised he wouldn’t. Don’t worry too much about JoJo though; we all know the best way to get over someone is to date 26 men at once…or something.
Later JoJo had a pow wow with the ghosts of Bachelorettes past in the form of Ali, Desiree, and Kaitlyn. They gave her some advice about playing hard to get which was ridiculous. She’s not attending the local singles mixer at the Y, ladies; the time to play hard to get passed around 26 casting interviews ago. Anyway, she pretended to care about what they had to say and then she slipped into a gold beaded gown to start the procession of suitors.
JoJo is beautiful, genuine, witty, accomplished, and has an affinity for gowns that sparkle. I’m all in.
My reaction.
A Few Good Men
At least 95% of the time spent watching The Bachelorette is in utter dismay as waves of secondhand embarrassment wash over you. The other 5% is spent wondering how they talked the few normal guys who arrive into signing up for this circus.
Robby, 27, is a former competitive swimmer which I’m pretty sure just means he’s unemployed. However, he has a good beard and the face of an angel so, bring on the unemployment checks. He won my support by being hot gifting JoJo with a bottle of wine that they chugged from in a nod to her mom’s cameo on The Bachelor last season. A good looking man who brings wine and likes your mom? See you at hometown dates, Robby.
Christian, 26, was a surprise to me. As in, I’m surprised I liked him as much as I did. There was something about his intro video where he talked about the struggles of being biracial, and his passion for his younger brothers that sold me. Plus he rode in on a motorcycle which isn’t usually my thing, but it worked.
Wells, 31, is adorable in that “boy next door with a giant giraffe neck” way. I was already biased based on his bio and predilection for liking my tweets, but then he sealed the deal. The Radio DJ brought the band All-4-One with him to sing “I swear” when he exited the limo. 25 year-old JoJo liked the gesture in an “I’ve heard this song on the oldies station” kind of way. But this 31 year-old was feeling it. I’m sure my reaction had nothing to do with the memories I have crying to it in a puberty hormone induced haze.
Luke, 31, is a West Point grad/Texan Rancher with a strange lack of personality. I’m hoping he’ll open up in the coming weeks, because he won’t be going anywhere after arriving on a horse dressed as a unicorn (as an homage to JoJo’s own introduction on The Bachelor wearing a unicorn head). I hope no one called PETA. He also gifted her with cowboy boots later in the night which was a sweet gesture, but who am I kidding? He’s staying because he has a crooked smile that screams “Texas Cowboy” and I’ve read too many Western romance novels to not be swayed by that.
My reaction.
That was a bad idea
I get it, you get in a room with a bunch of producers who have nothing but their own self interest in mind and suddenly you end up introducing yourself to your future ex-girlfriend dressed like baby cupid. It happens to the best of us. But there were a few gimmicks that were especially terrible this year.
Jonathan, 29, is proud of his half-Chinese/half-Scottish heritage which he proved by wearing a kilt and assuring JoJo that his Scottish half is “below the waist.” Sure, because racial stereotypes about Asian penis sizes are always hilarious. I was so busy eye-rolling at his joke that I almost missed it when he announced “I’m not wearing any panties.” How is JoJo every going to let him go with jokes like that?
Sal, 28, introduced himself to JoJo by handing her two blue stress balls. He then gave her permission to “squeeze my balls” when she gets stressed this season. Just what everyone woman wants, to squeeze some strange man’s blue balls. Go away, Sal.
Nick B., 33, arrived in a full Santa suit including padding and a beard. (Two points to Mere in our comments last week for guessing it would be a Nick dressing as, you know, Saint Nick.) Not only did Nick accomplish what not even the Elf on the Shelf could by ruining Christmas for me, but he also kept walking around saying “Jo Jo Jo” instead of “Ho Ho Ho.” Just stop it already.
My reaction.
That’s just embarrassing
It’s bad enough to have a gimmick that fails, but the real embarrassment began when some of the men tried to engage JoJo in normal adult conversation. Or as normal as one can have under the focus of a dozen cameras and all of your competition.
Alex, 25, is handsome but he really walked right into the Napoleon Complex jokes when he made JoJo sit on his back while he did push ups despite her obvious discomfort. That was pretty cringe worthy, but when the 5’7″ Marine sat on the bench next to her only to have his little baby legs dangle freely beneath him like a child on a ferris wheel? My secondhand embarrassment could not be contained.
Ali, 27, the Bartender performed Beethoven on a prop piano that probably hadn’t been used for anything other than holding drinks prior to that night. He’s undoubtedly talented but it felt like he was performing at an elementary school talent show with JoJo play the role of stage mom, not love interest. I mean, Beethoven? He didn’t have something a little more romantic up his sleeve like Clair de Lune, Edward Cullen style? It worked for Edward and he was technically (spoiler alert) dead.
Will, 26, had a horrible introduction where he pretended to mix up his note cards so his jokes came out wrong. It was a lame as it sounds. But the real horror show started when he finally got JoJo alone to play with his cootie catcher. That’s not a euphemism. I don’t know what the other options were on his paper fortune teller, but JoJo ended up landing on “You’re about to get kissed” which resulted in the most awkward peck I’ve seen since Ted Cruz left the campaign trail. Even JoJo said, “Maybe that will get better.”
My reaction.
A good first impression (rose)
You all thought I forgot to mention Jordan back when I was talking about the few good men didn’t you? Don’t you worry, I was just keeping this little ball of sunshine to myself like the secret he’s keeping about his professional history. Jordan, 27, is a former NFL Quarterback but he chose to introduce himself as a sports TV personality. He made a great first impression by mentioning that his parents began their 36 year marriage after meeting and getting engaged in a few months. Just kidding, he made great first impression by being stupid hot.
You know what else he kept to himself? His older brother is NFL superstar Quarterback Aaron Rodgers. I’m sure that’ll pop up when the producers need conflict in no time. Poor man’s Aaron, I mean Jordan, has an affinity for tight pants that he can’t quite walk in, but JoJo was loving his cool confidence in their one-on-one time. In fact, she liked it so much that she was licking her lips like there was a flashing neon sign over her head saying “Kiss me!” Much to my voyeuristic tendencies’ dismay he walked away before they could make out, but he found her later and made up for it with a seriously great first kiss.
That earned him the first impression rose and JoJo’s compliments on how great his butt is.
My reaction.
The Open Bar strikes again
I’m sure the first night on a TV show pitting yourself against the likes of a world class athlete‘s little brother is nerve wracking. Mix their nerves with an unending supply of Fireball whiskey and a distinct lack of snacks and you get a disaster waiting to happen. There were a few decidedly drunk contestants like Vinny (who had a piece of toast in his jacket pocket. I’m still not sure why.) but the real loser was Daniel. Daniel, 31, claims “Canadian” as his occupation so he must be used to drinking maple syrup not liquor. Whatever it was, he imbibed to the point that he stripped to his bikini briefs and went for a swim. There’s always one. Of course he didn’t end up in the pool until he first flexed in the confessional, made repeated “Damn, Daniel” jokes that fell flat, and poked Evan, the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist, in the belly button like the Pillsbury Doughboy. Damn, Daniel back at it again with the lame jokes and inflated sense of self-importance.
My reaction.
Giant Red Flag
Every season needs a villain and it looks like this time it’s Chad the 28 year-old Luxury Real Estate Agent. Basically Chad gave us the first roid rage of the season. Make sure you mark that on your Bachelor Bingo cards. Every time one of the other men did something he deemed to be unmanly he got viscerally angry. At one point he described himself as the “manlier, more rugged version of Ben” which is offensive, because don’t you talk about Ben like that in front of me and what’s “manly” anyway? Talking down to people around you? Being self-absorbed? Making inappropriate slips about JoJo’s breasts? No thanks.
Unfortunately, Chad is undeniably good-looking and he played up the charm during his one-on-one time with JoJo. Plus, we all know how much JoJo likes a hanging Chad considering her ex that popped up on Ben’s season was named Chad too. Can’t fault the girl for being consistent. It looks like Chad will be a huge source of conflict in the coming weeks. I can’t wait to hate watch.
My reaction.
Rose ceremony
By the time the Rose Ceremony finally rolled around, the cocktail party had been underway for at least 12 hours. At one point JoJo and I both cried about how exhausted we were but we were in luck, because it was almost over. Oh wait, no it’s not, everyone’s least favorite goody two shoes Bachelor Jake Pavelka showed up.
It seemed like Jake was going to declare his undying affection for the woman 13 years his junior. I was shouting, “No one likes you, Jake! Go search the Florida swamps for Vienna and leave us alone!” For her part, JoJo looked like she was gathering her best “I don’t think of you that way, Uncle Jake” face. In the end she didn’t need to use it because it turns out that Jake is an old family friend who was only there to spike ratings wish her luck. Thank God, now go away.
In the end, JoJo sent home a bunch of guys you’ll never think about again. Jonathan the kilted man with average sized genitalia, Sal owner of the blue balls, Coley, Peter and Jake. Who were those last three? I genuinely have no idea. That means that 21 men, including Santa and Drunk Daniel, are safe to make more bad decisions next week. God Bless America.
My reaction.
Coming up this season
I’m not even going to attempt to express the glory that is to come this season. Just watch this teaser and whisper a thank you to your parents for raising you to be the type of person who would never end up on this show.
I. Can’t. Wait.
My reaction.
My Top Picks (No Spoilers)
Clockwise From Top Left: Jordan , Robby, Luke and Wells
Okay I’ll be honest, I don’t actually think that Wells will be in the final four. I just adore him so much and I know he won’t stick around for long, so I wanted an excuse to look at his picture one more time. Plus I needed to replace Derek from my top four from last week because his bio completely lied about his level of hotness. Not cool.
Jordan, Robby and Luke are obvious contenders based on their performance on night one. It appears that JoJo has a type: tall with blindingly white teeth and swoopy hair. No one tell Donald Trump.
Check out the rest of our Bachelor Coverage here
What did you think of the premiere? Who is your top pick? Did I miss one of your favorite moments? Are you mad that I failed to mention guitar playing James Taylor (not that one) and Super Fan James S.? Tell me in the comments!
