Count Odo out
Big news this week: I learned this guy’s name!!!!
This is Roland, still don’t know what his job title is, but his responsibilities include:
- Creating court intrigue
- Killing unarmed Norse women and children
- Macking on his sister
- And new this week, beating Count Odo into a bloody pulp!
Count Odo already had a few strikes against him going into this week (namely, freely admitting he wanted the Emperor’s job to anyone who would listen), but I was worried that Charles would listen to Odo’s Rollo shade (say that 3 times fast!), and kill my boo, at which point the Emperor and I would have words.
But Rollo outmaneuvered Odo with the classic “putting a Norse baby in his French squeeze” move, earning Rollo the “Iron Fist of Frankia” (which, incidentally, is waaaay better than the heralded “Copper Arse of Catalonia”).
Yidu did a Yidon’t
“Ragnar the mad” took a backseat to “Ragnar the mad genius” this week, as he marshalled his remaining brain cells to form a brilliant plan: take the boats overland, and attack from the south! It’s like the same exact plan, but totally different – sneak up behind Paris while everyone is looking the other way! Woot! I predict the brilliance of this plan will remain unrivaled through time, only to be eclipsed in 2006 by this one:
Although I love to see Ragnar “ragnaring” and Floki “flokiing” again, this plan begs the question: If you are going to put this much effort into sacking Paris, why don’t you just build your own damn city? It would be easier and way fewer of you would be slaughtered in the process.
Ragnar seems a little more himself this week, lulling Yidu into underestimating his cray when she threatens to reveal the secret of the Wessex slaughter if he does not grant her freedom. Ragnar wins the coveted “Saturn devouring his children” fathering award when he drowns Yidu in front of his sons, narrowly beating out this guy:
Well played, sir.
PS Kids, this would be a great time to ask for that puppy you’ve always wanted.
Anglo Annihilation
It’s been a while since we’ve seen this gif, but Ecbert earned it this week!
Congratulations, dick!
Ecbert returned to Wessex, after courageously, underhandedly and “like a slimy douchecanoe” weaseling the crown of Mercia out of Kwenthrith’s hands. Now, I call out Kwennie’s crazy on a regular basis, but she needs to channel her powers of crazy in her fight to retain power in a man’s worls. I love that she is sexually liberated, and clearly not afraid to take what she wants. Tragically, she still has to rely on men to bolster her power, and they tend to not act in her best interests. Kwenthrith attempts to escape her imminent doom by activating Wondertwin Girl Powers with Judith. Judith’s kinship with Kwenthrith made me really love her . . . until she sold Kwenthrith out to the man! Judith, have you forgotten “chicks before dicks,” and these other critical tenets of the girl code?
Shame on you for putting guy-necology first!
Kwenthrith is jailed, so that Ecbert can keep Ragnar’s son as hedge against future Vikings carnage. But she uses her wiles and considerable courage to escape, bringing us to this last and final edition of “Your Weekly Waefaerth.”
He is looking fine this week, and he says words! Too bad the words he says are “aggglllrrrrrrrhhhhhhaaagg” after Kwenthrith stabs him in the neck. So much hotness gone too soon. R.I.P. sweet Waefaerth.
Kwenthrith activates full crazy mode when she pulls a knife on Ecbert, and, on the one hand, I was rooting for her to stick this pig, and, on the other hand, Ecbert is too fun, so I don’t want him to die. Judith solved my dilemma by putting “brovaries before ovaries,” and stabbing Kwenthrith while killing Judith’s unborn niece-cousin-grandpa (seriously, the relationship math here is too hard) in the process. I’m sensing a turning point in Judith here, and Ecbert might want to keep better watch on his brovaries in the future!.
Witness your future, buddy.
Harbard gets Harbusted
In Kattegatt, Sigurd reveals Harbard’s free-lovin’ ways to Aslaug, and she just doesn’t get the importance of his mission! Aslaug, he is a bona-fide saint for all the good works he does for the ladies of Kattegatt: releasing pent-up tension, encouraging aerobic workouts, providing free gynecological exams! It’s all for the ladies, trust me: he hates every minute of it. This is what you should be saying, Aslaug:
But instead you drove him away with all your selfish “stop putting your hammer in everyone’s toolbelt”-ing. Feel bad, Aslaug. Feel very bad.
Join us next week to see what fresh hell Vikings has in store!
Did Floki really mean it when he said he does everything for Ragnar? Will Rollo turn around in time to see Ragnar coming? Is Ragnar’s next parenting win to teach his sons that meth is cool? How will you fill the hole in your heart left by Waefaerth’s death?
