Think about it, what’s the number of dates you have to go on before you feel confident eating Mexican food for dinner? Four.
How old does your kid have to be before you can comfortably take them into public without packing a caravan of supplies like a Nepalese Sherpa? Four.
How many glasses of wine does it take to get you to dance the Cotton Eye Joe at your cousin’s third wedding? Four.
How many episodes of Outlander’s second season did we have to watch before we got to see Sam Heughan’s Jamie’s bare Scottish arse? Four.
My logic is infallible.
Outlander Episode 204 is titled “La Dame Blanche” or “the white lady” which, coincidentally, is also what my spray tan lady calls me after I shamelessly strip down in front of her Louise de La Tour style. This episode brought us political talk, roofied drinks, a pregnancy scandal, questionable medical interventions, a sexual assault, the end of a dry spell, a really good looking Frenchman in a wig, and an embarrassing fist fight. It’s spring break 2003 all over again. Good thing I got that spray tan.
Top Ten Moments from Outlander, La Dame Blanche
1. Carrying Claire
La Dame Blanche opened with a meeting of the Versailles Chess Club where Claire looked on while Jamie and the Minister of Finance Monsieur Duverney made a metaphor for political diplomacy played. Duverney utilized the ol’ “distract your opponent by discussing baby names” tactic which gave us the chance to judge Claire and Jamie’s choices like your mother-in-law did when you were naming your kids. Lambert and Dalhousie? Sounds like the name of a folk band I’ll pretend to know during the Grammys next year.
Le Comte de Sexy – I mean St. Germain – came by to look down his nose at the Frasers and spoil the result of the chess match like the one of those Twitter trolls who watched the East Coast feed. (You know who you are.) Duverney used the moment to blame Claire for distracting Jamie with some casual sexism, but Claire didn’t mind because Versailles has an open bar policy and apparently fetal alcohol syndrome is the only disease she has never heard of. While Claire glugged down mommy’s cough medicine, Comte St. Germain glared menacingly in the background. I know it should be ominous, but you’ve seen the man, right? I was too busy fanning myself to be scared.
Maybe I should have paid more attention to that glaring though, because the next thing we knew Claire was clutching her stomach, sputtering and grunting in pain. Hold up, did Comte just poison a pregnant lady? I know she made out with her husband in front of your burning ship, but that’s ice cold.
It was all worth it though because the alleged poisoning led to my first favorite moment from the episode. Jamie scooped Claire into his big hay-pitching, sword-wielding arms and ran her out of the room like he was holding his entire world in them.
We Noticed That Too: They made one of the first departures from the book that we can all applaud when they chose not to show Claire have “violent diarrhea in the presence of thirty-odd people.”
2. Bringing Bloodthirsty Back
Back in their poorly lit bedroom, Claire reassured Jamie that she and the baby would be fine after her run in with bitter cascara, but that she’s pretty sure St. Germain paid one of the servants to spike the proverbial punch bowl. Jamie was all about making him suffer, but Claire convinced him that she’d rather be distracted with talk about French politics. Because that makes sense.
You know what else makes doesn’t make sense? Telling your pregnant wife who is actively recovering from being poisoned that you want to throw a dinner party. Learn to pick your moment, Jamie!
It ends up that Jamie’s big plan to destroy Charles’ chance of getting French support of the rebellion is to introduce him to the Duke of Sandringham. That’s it. He figures that if the Duke meets Bonnie Prince Charles in person he’ll be so turned off by his wine stained teeth that the entire Jacobite Rebellion will fall apart. Foolproof plan, boo.
There’s a problem though. Before they can start sending out evites Claire knows she has to tell Jamie that Jack Randall is alive; otherwise, the Duke is bound to tell him and he’ll fall apart in public. Right?
Wrong.
Claire trepidatiously tells Jamie that that Black Jack is alive which led to the second top moment from this episode. Jamie is thrilled. His whole face lit up like a kid on Christmas. If Christmas were a day you got to kill and dismember your rapist. The relief that came with the knowledge that he’ll have the chance to kill Jack Randall himself someday was palpable. Bloodthirsty Jamie is back!
We Noticed That Too: All of that money from his import/export business and Uncle Jared can’t afford more comfortable looking bedding?
3 Sheep Knuckles don’t lie
It’s quickly becoming apparent that Terry Dresbach saves the best costumes for Claire’s shopping trips to Master Raymond’s apothecary shop because she stormed in wearing that hooded gown like it was New York Fashion Week. Werk, girl. She was furious that Master Raymond may have supplied the bitter cascara that poisoned her, but quickly got over it as he led her to his secret lair. In some heavy foreshadowing Master Raymond told Claire that he’s “fascinated by things not of this time.” Then, because she’s Claire, she figured it would be a good time to tell this complete stranger that she’s concerned for her “old friend” Frank’s future.
Master Raymond whipped out a cup of sheep’s knuckles, as one does, to have the bones tell the future, Zulu style. She shook them up like a game of Yahtzee and threw them on the non-PETA friendly Zebra skin for him to read. Don’t worry about your old friend Frank, Claire, because the bones say that you will see him again. Claire’s face dropped like he had just told her she may have to travel back in time again someday, leaving the love of her life behind.
Oh wait, he did. The struggle is real.
We Noticed That Too: The poison detecting stone necklace Master Raymond gave Claire looked like a handmade Mother’s Day gift that I’d be forced to wear.
4. All that matters is love
Claire was due for some girl time so she visited Louise de La Tour and her biting pet monkey. It ends up that Louise was less interested in showing off her new cuckoo clock and bullying Mary Hawkins than she was in arranging an abortion. That’s right, there’s a croissant in her metaphorical oven and it wasn’t placed there by her husband. Louise does not want to end the pregnancy, but she sees no other way of saving her marriage and reputation. Claire helps her realize that she can keep her baby with some good old fashioned lying and manipulation. Just convince your husband that it’s his, duh. It’s not like they had comprehensive sex-education back then.
Louise is concerned about the reality of her child being raised by a man that is not its father so Claire assures her that “all that matters is that the child is brought up with love.” Excuse me while I tear up remembering Frank’s devastated face from episode 201 when he realized that he would be the father to someone else’s baby. Just love the baby, Frank. (Be right back, crying.)
We Noticed That Too: Claire and Louise’s heaving cleavage in this scene deserve a DIY video on Pinterest. Is that ductape? Miracle bra? Teach me your ways.
5. No one is getting soixante neuf around here
Jamie arrived home to a sleeping Claire after another late evening out with Prince Charles and it seemed like we were finally going to get the sexual reunion we’ve been waiting for all season. Grab your Pocket Jamies and hold on tight, people. It. Was. Happening.
He stripped off his breeches and straddled Claire in bed promising that we she “won’t have to wait long tonight” and we were all like, “Okay!” Then he had to go and ruin it by having visible bite marks on his inner thighs. As Claire said, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
He bumbled his way through an explanation, saying that an insistent whore was more interested in the 6 than the 9 of 69. But don’t worry, sleeping, pregnant wife, he left behind while he was fondled by literal whores, he may have been full of lust but he didn’t commit actual adultery. (Insert sarcastic slow clap here.)
As he explained it, the knowledge that Jack Randall is alive and that he can be the one to kill him has freed him. He can finally feel like a man again. Claire (like me) was less than impressed with his explanation and only saw his betrayal. Sure, nothing happened, but why couldn’t he be filled with lust for her rather than some other woman?
Their argument crescendoed into the necessary exchange of honest emotions they’ve been protecting one another from. More importantly, it was the confrontation that this season has desperately needed. Claire feels abandoned in her pregnancy and their marriage . But this confrontation was really about the fact that Jamie was broken at Wentworth. He couldn’t let her in because he felt had nothing more to give. When Jamie explained that his inner fortress was blown apart leaving him “naked and alone trying to hide under a blade of grass” my heart broke at the raw honesty.
The acting in this scene was fantastic. It reminded me of their argument after their escape from Fort William in “The Reckoning” last season. I felt the pain they were experiencing and as I said, Jamie and Claire needed to confront the effects Jamie’s assault has had on their marriage before the story could move on. However, the bite marks are one of the most highly anticipated scenes for book readers. I couldn’t help but be disappointed that they were used as a plot device to explain more of Jamie’s pain from Wentworth rather than a chance for them to tell each other how passionately they feel for one another.
I wanted Jamie holding a dagger hilt out to her exclaiming, “Claire, ye do kill me, knife or no.” I wanted Claire to tell him that she wishes she could take him into her and “keep you safe always.” I wanted Jamie to tell her that his soul is hers “in all the black corners of it.”
Instead we got a scene of intense emotion, but then it ended with him leaving the room to sleep elsewhere.
We Noticed That Too: Where was the cock ring? No really, you better show us that cock ring, Ron D. Moore!
6. Come Find me, Jamie
Thankfully Claire agreed that all of those recently released emotions needed to end in a better *ahem* climax, because it wasn’t long before she was leaving their room to search for Jamie in the closet space he was pretending to sleep in. (Seriously, do they not have an extra bedroom in that place?) She dropped her robe and settled herself over him in the sex position pregnant women and cowgirls everywhere recognize all too well.
She whispered for him to “Come find me, Jamie. Find us,” and they finally re-consummated their marriage for the first time after Wentworth with hushed sighs and serious nipple action.
This was the reunion scene we’ve all needed. “Remember I told you I was lost?” Jamie said, “Well, I think perhaps you’ve built me a lean-to, at least, and a roof to keep out the rain.”
Sigh. Welcome back, Frasers.
We Noticed That Too: The blue dappled light during this scene was reminiscent of the light one might expect in a certain grotto.
7. Bonnie Prince Bossypants
They couldn’t linger in their post-coital bliss for long because Jamie’s supersonic hearing informed him someone was running on their roof. He held his dagger out ready to defend his home like the bad ass he is but it was just bossy pants Bonnie Prince Charles breaking into their bedroom window while escaping from his lover’s house. Outlander, you’re so weird.
The Prince settled in next to their fireplace for a bedtime story while Claire did her Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman thing on his royal hand. It turns out that he had injured himself when his lover’s pet bit him. Think, think, think, where have we heard of a biting pet before? Oh that’s right, Louise de La Tour’s pet monkey bites everyone but her. Prince Charles is Louise’s baby daddy! Someone call Maury Povich.
This information gave Jamie and Claire the opportunity they’ve been looking for. They’ll put Louise and Charles in the same room, drop the pregnancy bomb like they work for the National Enquirer during an election year, and then sit back to watch Charles go crazy. They figure seeing his reaction, which is sure to be volatile, should be enough to ruin his chance of getting Sandringham’s money. Or they could have just stabbed him with that giant dagger and thrown him in the fireplace, but who am I to tell them what to do?
We Noticed That Too: Claire calling the Prince’s bite an “epidemic around here” with a side-eye directed at Jamie.
8. Fergus knows women
It’s the day of the dinner so, naturally, there’s an explosion at the armory that would require Claire to rush off to the hospital with Mary Hawkins, Murtagh and Fergus in tow. She’s a working woman, Jamie, lean in!
Claire and Mary helped the injured in the hospital which meant we finally witnessed that disgusting scene from the opening credits with the nail being hammered into the side of a leg. 18th century acupuncture left a lot to be desired. Then they had to spend the rest of the afternoon wiping the rendered fat of a hanged criminal off their fingers because it’s not like they had grease cutting Dawn dish soap back then. This meant that Murtagh and Fergus were left alone to share an adorable conversation about women.
I loved this insight into Fergus’ character. He was clever, funny and he showed that his experience being raised in brothels has given him a keen perspective on women. This is a characteristic that is very true to his character in the books and one of the things that makes him so likable. Fergus is a ladies man and Murtagh…is not. It was perfect. Plus, Fergus noticed that Mary Hawkins must be in love despite her sadness because she is wearing perfume. (Note to self: teach my son to pronounce perfume like a little French boy immediately.)
We Noticed That Too: The way Claire got annoyed with Murtagh that they were going to be late thanks to the broken carriage wheel. Maybe if you didn’t take so long yapping with Mother Hildegard about how awesome you are you wouldn’t have run out of time, Claire.
9. La Dame Blanche
Back home, Jamie greeted their dinner guests alone. If you weren’t sure whether or not Claire was late, you could tell by the shots of a clock they showed over and over again. Real subtle, guys. Meanwhile Mary, Murtagh and Claire were walking home in the dark while the ladies gossiped about Mary’s lovelife. Ladies’ Man Fergus was right, Mary is in love with a man named Randall. Wait, is Black Jack back? Because, #Tobiased. Nope, don’t get too excited. She’s in love with his brother, Alexander, aka the Duke of Sandringham’s secretary, aka the perfectly cast Laurence Dobiesz. This is some Days of our Lives level intrigue.
The next thing we know a group of masked men attacked the trio. They knocked Murtagh unconscious which left Claire and Mary vulnerable to attack. Poor virgin Mary (not that one, although the Jesus imagery in this show is prolific) was violently raped in an horrific scene while Claire was held down. She narrowly escaped her own assault when they removed her hood and exclaimed “La Dame Blanche” before running off in fear. Apparently white ladies are really scary.
We noticed that too: They should have just held a huge sign that said “this will be important” above that shot of the huge birthmark on Claire’s attacker’s hand.
10. 18th Century WWE
Thanks to 18th century misogyny Jamie and Claire knew they couldn’t alert the authorities without ruining Mary’s reputation so they left her unconscious, alone and under the influence of opium to be watched over by Alexander Randall. Great idea to leave the recent victim of a sexual crime with a man, guys.
Claire joined the world’s worst timed dinner party where she sat at the end of the table between party crashers, Comte and Comtesse St. Germain. St. Germain and Claire exchanged some cutting remarks about the poison detecting necklace she was wearing, but all I could notice was the sexual tension. Or maybe that was just me listening to Stanley Weber speak French. Who can say.
In the end, all of their grand plans to expose Prince Charles’ instability didn’t really add up to much other than some snide remarks. Rather, the climax of the episode came when Mary woke up in a drug induced fog to think that Alexander was attacking her. Obviously, Sandringham doesn’t require his secretaries to attend sexual harassment training, Alexander tried to calm her by forcibly holding her down. Her screaming attracted the attention of the diners including her uncle and fiance who immediately assumed that Alex was raping her. Naturally, fisticuffs ensued.
This fight guys. THIS FIGHT. I mean, I love to see Jamie brawl more than most and Murtagh’s face when he entered the room was fierce, but I’ve seen better fight choreography in a live adaptation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They had candlestick flinging, clotheslines, stool smashing, and I swear I saw Murtagh give one of them an atomic wedgie. All this while Fergus gorged on leftovers in the dining room and St. Germain ingratiated himself with Prince Charles. The cheese was real. Get it, cheese…because it’s French.
We Noticed That Too: How natural my face looks photoshopped over Le Comte’s wife’s face. I’m not proud.
What were your top moments from La Dame Blanche?
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