1) I wouldn’t survive in 18th century France. The bumroll alone would be my downfall. That and the lack of proper medical care.
2) I don’t get the game of chess. Now Connect Four? That’s a different matter.
3) I hate pus. So, thank you, Outlander, for forever turning me off to eclairs. It was like shock therapy.
4) I don’t get codes in the form of music, and please don’t think that this is my way of passively asking for you to explain it to me. It isn’t.
5) I thought getting my dog to learn how to sit and lie down was impressive. I was so wrong.
If last week was about wooden dildos and swan nipples (two compound nouns that I thought I would never put together unless playing a rousing game of Citizens Against Humanity), “Useful Occupations and Deceptions” was about marital strife and free healthcare. Now I’m sure you’re thinking, “Mmm. Sounds fun. I’ll just go back to my Outlander coloring book. What color should I use for Jamie’s nipples?” (Siena Brown, BTW ). Put the Crayola Crayon down: It also introduced us to a prepubescent pocket thief, a mother superior who name drops German composers like I name drop meeting Sam Heughan, and we even got an FF – Flashback Frank.
And Harry Potter fans, don’t tell me you didn’t squeal when you saw this in the opening credits:
Color me shocked to discover that Francis De La Tour isn’t actually seven feet tall.
This. Changes. Everything.
Top Ten Moments From Outlander, Useful Occupations and Deceptions
1. #Droughtlander for the Frasers
Last week we were teased with a love scene that ended in a Carrie-is-Pissed-at-Prom bloodbath, and a little third base action that never quite made it to home plate. This episode opens once again with the Fraser bedroom but this time, Claire’s alone in bed. No Jamie. No honeypot action. Maybe a wooden dildo next to her Pocket Jamie, but who knows.
And when Jamie does return – from a night with Bonnie Prince Asshat at Madame Le Whoreville’s – it’s only to change to go to his next meeting because stopping a rebellion breaks every labor law and does not offer medical or vision benefits. The couple is continuously followed and attended to by servants, and not once do they have a moment to themselves. There’s an attempt at a kiss but Jamie’s hair smell (a mixture of smoke, liquor and cheap perfume – most likely Jean Nate) killed the moment.
And to top that all off, Jamie lost Swany, his wooden snake. Of course, Claire is also missing Jamie’s snake as well, but that’s a different matter.
Clearly this scene intended to show that stopping a rebellion, compounded with Jamie still dealing with the aftermath of his rape, is playing a toll on the Frasers’ usually active bedroom life as well as relegating Claire to a role she never wanted: a stay-at-home wife.
2. There’s Something About Mary
In today’s game of shit that makes Mary Hawkins’ big eyes bulge out of her head, Mary gets a lesson on male genitalia.
This is where it would have been useful to have a wooden dildo on hand. It’s just good teaching.
But what makes Claire’s eyes almost (almost is the key word because nothing will be as big as those saucers called Mary’s eyes) pop out of their sockets is her realization about Mary: she is the great to the sixth degree grandmother of Frank Randall. That’s right, Mary discovers the peen and not just your average garden variety either: Jack Randall and his lil’ smoky. So not only does Claire have to keep the knowledge of Black Jack’s cattle stampede survival a secret from her husband, she’s got to ensure that the bastard lives for at least a year in order to protect Frank.
No wonder she’s drinking her weight in wine.
And how does Claire remember this? Enter Flashback Frank.
We missed you, Frank, and your extensive knowledge of your family tree. We also get a sweet moment of affection between Claire and Frank, the only action Claire will see in this episode.
We Noticed That Too: The outfit Claire is wearing in the flashback is the same outfit she wears when she accepts Frank’s offer to help raise her child. So this may be a long shot, but I’m going to assume Frank saved Claire’s clothes in the hope that his wife would return to him someday. It’s a sweet theory, so don’t ruin it for me.
3. Cowgirl Up with Murtagh
Well, I guess he finally got over his crush on Jamie’s mother by getting under a French maid. You do you, Murtagh.
At least someone in this house is getting laid.
4. This Week in Foreshadowing
Let’s examine Outlander’s tallies in Foreshadow Into the Future:
Foreshadow #1: Captain Obvious Jared Fraser and his remark, “You’ve made an enemy today” about Le Comte.
Foreshadow #2: Claire Fraser stressing to Jamie that Black Jack was dead and not coming back. Wrong, Claire. Just like you’re probably wrong about changing something that starts with an F and ends with a UTURE.
And now let us add to this list our favorite amphibian apothecary, Master Raymond, and his secret concoction whose side effects sound like what happens when you play fast and loose at Chipotle.
“The effect is most immediate. The stomach seeks to purge itself, and well, you get the idea.”
Oh, I’m sure we’ll get the idea soon.
5. The Mother of Consecrated RBF
This season, Outlander’s casting has been spot-on. Stanley Weber’s Comte is the perfect combination of power, arrogance, and sex in a powered wig. Dominque Pinon’s Master Raymond makes you wish your essential oils dealer wore breeches with tights and a vest that looks like it was designed during an acid trip with The Beatles.
But in my opinion, these castings pale in comparison to Francis De La Tour’s Mother Hildegard.
Mother Hildegard owned each scene. From her incredulousness upon first seeing the noble woman, dressed in the latest Parisienne fashion in direct contrast to the patients in soiled and stained bedclothes, offering her skills as a healer; to her surprise and admiration for Claire when she put those skills to the test, Mother Hildegard owned each scene.
And by the end, we, like Claire, were fascinated by the woman who was a piano prodigy and the goddaughter of King Louis’ great grandfather.
We Noticed That Too: Urine makes another guest appearance.
The first season, it’s to help set dye. The second season, Claire goes Bear Grylls and tastes a dying woman’s piss to make a prognosis. It’s so versatile that I’m going to create a Pinterest board for How to Use Urine.
6. Fergalicious
What can I say about the introduction of Fergus? He’s adorable, he stole every scene he was in (Get it? Like a thief?), and he looks like he should be singing “Little People” from Les Miserables.
Plus, he’s already versed in the art of female seduction, French style.
7. The Honeymoon is Over
If the opening scene of a solitary Claire is any indication, life in Paris is no honeymoon for the Frasers. In fact, it’s putting a strain on the marriage.
I will be honest: when I first saw this episode, I was angry. Where was the Claire and Jamie from the first season, with the passion and connection? Hell. Where was the Claire and Jamie from the previous two episodes? But then I watched the episode again, and I get it: this bump in the road needs to happen because if there is one thing that we love about the Frasers’ relationship is that Claire and Jamie are not perfect, and neither is their marriage. But it is a love worth fighting for, even if it’s between each other.
Jamie isn’t perfect when he doesn’t understand that his wife needs to have an existence beyond tea parties and frivolous friendships, and trivializes her satisfaction in her volunteer work at the hospital. Claire isn’t perfect when she initially fails to understand the stress that has fallen on Jamie to essentially deceive his prince and stop the rebellion.
The once amorous, electric couple have become distant, even formal in their interactions with once another. It’s a stark contrast to the Claire and Jamie we have known.
We Noticed That Too: In the scene after Jamie brings Fergus back to the house, the both literal and metaphorical wall that separates Jamie and Claire.
Damn that wall.
8. Universal Healthcare with Bouton
Remember last year when Starz gave us the first official look into the second season’s cast, and it was a picture of a dog? Remember how fans cried havoc and vented their frustrated emotions on Twitter in 140 characters? Oh, sweet, sweet memories.
We finally met the disease sniffing, canine sidekick to Mother Hildegard.
So, pretty much Mother Hildegard is Shaggy to Bouton’s Scooby and healthcare in France is one giant mystery to be solved.
Jinkies, gang.
9. Spy Kids
What’s better than the thrill of thwarting a prince’s plans to practically wipe out an entire nation of people in order to regain the throne? The answer: thwarting those plans with a little bit of espionage.
Sure, you could stay in a brothel, watch a naked woman act like a canvas (It’s art, people) and play chess with a man who just the previous evening tried to make out with your wife’s feet. Or…you could have a kid pilfer some letters and ask a woman who made a vow of chastity and complete obedience to God to decode some music for you.
He’s Fraser. James Fraser. And he takes his whisky shaken not stirred. Actually, as someone who has never had whisky, all I know is that you can take whisky neat. So, whatever.
We NoticedThat Too: I would like to take a moment to appreciate this JAMMF RBF moment, which can be practically used for any of life’s WTF moments:
10. Secrets and Lies
Since the episode is titled, “Useful Occupations and Deceptions,” we come to think that the “Deceptions” are intended for the prince. But the episode explores this timeless debate: Is it lying if you stay silent?
For Claire, the answer is yes. For Murtagh, the answer is no but he was just getting laid by Claire’s lady maid, so he had sex brain. It’s a thing.
Claire continues to struggle with the truth about Black Jack Randall: does she tell her husband that the man who almost made him take his own life and almost destroyed his soul and spirit is still alive? Or does she stay silent, and save the future of the man she once called her husband?
In perhaps one of the most touching scenes in this episode, Claire tearfully confesses to Murtagh about what she’s been keeping from Jamie. But the confession is not enough to release the weight of her guilt from keeping this secret. After Claire explains to him that she feels that she’s living a lie, Murtagh attempts to ease her concern:
“You’re keeping a secret to save his life. And if it keeps the lad from running off in a blind fury to meet his maker at the end of the rope, I’ll be keeping that secret with you.”
Whoa. Who knew that sex would make Murtagh the voice of reason?
I wasn’t a fan of “The Search” from the first season but the one scene that I felt carried the weight of that episode was the cave scene when Murtagh and Claire bonded over their love of Jamie. This exchange brought me back to that moment, and it served as a reminder that Claire and Murtagh are a powerful team.
But as the episode ends, Claire continues her silence and the heartbreak on her face still carries the weight of her guilt.
And that’s why you don’t take advice from sexed up Murtagh. Lesson learned.
