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As part of my quest for toxin-free living, I decided it was high-time I start using a DivaCup. If you’re unfamiliar with a DivaCup, watch this video. If you’re a man, warning, this is a female thing, so don’t go clicking thinking it’s some new container for your latest cocktail.
Since we’re all about being helpful here at That’s Normal, I thought I’d share a safe-for-work, step-by-step:
Step 1. Decide to try it for the first time when you’re already 30 min. late to the office.
Step 2. Open the instructional booklet and watch just 30 seconds of a how-to video; Remember you’re in your 30s and this is approximately the 240th time you’ve been surprised by your every-28 day friend’s arrival, and you got this. No instructions needed.
Step 3. Get the DivaCup out of the box, notice the size of the rim and it’s cup-like appearance and realize you might actually need to read the instructions.
Make one of these easy to fold origami vagina-animals
Step 4. Attempt number 1.
Step 5. Pat yourself on the back. That was a good attempt. You Failed, but nice attempt. Wash cup. Get ready to try again.
Step 6. It.Won’t.Go.In.
Step 7. Find lube.
Step 8. Wash the cup. Again.
Step 9. Consider if Aesop’s exfoliating Bergamot soap is the best washing choice (it’s not). Rewash with plain soap you find in the back of a bathroom drawer.
Step 10. IT’S IN. (You think.)
Step 11. Nope. Definitely not in
Step 12. Try again- pushing in REAL FAR this time.
Step 13. Stand up Straight. Relax your muscles a bit. Push the cup out a bit with the magic of a kegel. Consider if that’s supposed to happen.
Are ALL of these inside of me? source
Step 14. WHOA. WE MIGHT BE THERE!!! NOW WHAT? Next Step: “Reach inside, grab the base (not the stem) and TURN?” Ugh…
Step 15. “Squeak squeak squeak” (actual sound of the turn)
Step 16. Nope. Still not in.
Step 17. Read instructions on how to remove.
Step 18. Begin to remove. Cannot Remove. Begin to Panic. Tell yourself to Relax. Telling yourself to Relax doesn’t work. Muscles not listening. Why won’t this come out? What is this suction you can’t break? Consider who to call if you can’t really get it out.
Step 19. During a muscle contraction of exhaustion, pop the seal and get it out.
Step 20. Try a new position. Leg on the tub. It’s going well, until your cat comes in- tail in the air. Rubs against your leg, and… other places. Seriously cat?
Basically my life source
Step 21. This is it. 30 minutes later, we got this. Shove it in. Twist around. Keep pushing. Move some more. This doesn’t feel right. But it doesn’t feel NOT right. Did you do it?
Should you see the stem? CAN you see the stem? Grab your phone, take a picture. Okay- you can’t see the stem. It’s in! You think!
Step 22. Wear a pad just in case
Step 23. Open Facebook and the automatic album of your “moments” of that day appears, featuring THE PICTURE OF WHERE YOU CAN’T SEE THE STEM.
Mild panic attack
Step 24. Still unsure it’s in. Fairly sure 12 hours from now you will have forgotten how to remove.
Confession: I didn’t even make it a full 12 hours on Day 1, it was so uncomfortable. I tried again on Day 2 and lasted for about 20 minutes. I know a bunch of you hippie-types use the cup. WHAT am I doing wrong? Interested in The DivaCup because I made it so appealing? Find it here