Promising Mayhem
King Harald has been making himself at home in Kattegatt, and the arrival of his brother, winky looks at Aslaug and blossoming alliance with Floki bode ill for the longevity of Ragnar’s reign. Harald also seems to be stoking Bjorn’s flames of discontent – will Bjorn take this opportunity to pay Ragnar back for all the times he made this face at Bjorn?
Promise me you will stop moping
Rags, I’m going to level with you: your mopey-ass self is starting to bore me. I know you are having a great time hanging out in your man cave/meth shack with your new lady love, but your self-pity is making me root for Aslaug, for crying out loud! Aslaug!!
Ragnar, get your shit together, kick your goofball habit and rediscover your passion for killing already!!
I promise this will gross you out*
Remember these guys?
No, I have not learned their names yet.
Yeah, well this week little mister what’s-his-name took his chance to approach the Emperor about the treasonous intentions of Count Odo. The Emperor (who seems to be going a little Howard Hughes right now) demands proof, which comes in the form of Odo’s mistress what’s-her-name, who is not only what’s-his-names mistress but also his sister!
Ewwwwwwww.
Congratulations Frankia, you just out-Wessexed Wessex for title of “kinkiest bastards”!
∗ Subtitle: I promise to learn your names soon
Breaking his promise?
This week, the bed-hopping sexagon of England (aka the ruling family of Wessex) vowed to take Mercia back for Kween Kwenthrith (TM), but I sense a disconnect between words and deeds on the horizon. One indication of this is all of the weird eyeball gymnastics passing amongst the crew, especially the nudge-nudge, wink-wink between Ecbert and Hotty McScoutypants at the departure of King Aelle.
Whatchu up to, Ecbert?
(NB Vikings: I think I need to know a little more about this guy. Like, how tall is he? How does he look holding a puppy? Does he Medieval Instagram account I can follow? LMK)
Even more damning is Ecbert’s convo with the Lord in which he basically says “being good and virtuous and crap is great in theory, but my kingdom is not theoretical, thusly I need to handle some shit and you’re not gonna like how I do it.”
Promising young lad
Oh Ivar, you are just such a cutie! Look at you learning your Norse lore! And your excitment at joining your young peers in fun and games! And look at your childlike joy of playing catch with OH MY GOD YOU JUST CHOPPED THAT KID’S HEAD WITH YOUR ADORABLE LITTLE AXE!
Baby no like!!!!!!
In the aftermath of the carnage, Helga proved herself to be the only one who has not gone completely off the rails by actually showing concern for the murdered boy. Mama Aslaug, on the other hand, does not appear to have read the latest 8th century literature on the importance of boundary setting for nascent sociopaths, and whispers sweet nothings in Ivar’s ear, while Floki put this face on:
and started salivating at the promise of Ivar as his bloody protege! I promise this will not end well.
Keeping her promise
Hey, Kalf! Remember when Lagertha made you this promise?
And remember how you kind of thought that if you put on a ring on it, she would just forget all about this? Well, you were wrong.
Yes, Lagertha made good on that promise this week, stabbing Kalf (with so much love) and updating her Linkedin status from “Co-Earl” to just plain “Earl.” I wonder what pushed her over the edge? Does Lagertha really take her promises so very, very seriously that she had no choice? Like “sorry, Kalf, I totally love you and want to spend the rest of my life happy with you, but I promised I’d kill you, so here goes!” Or did Erlunder give Kalf up to Lags because he thinks she will be easier to usurp? Is there really a baby? Or was that just an elaborate ruse to ensure she looked fabulous doing the deed? I don’t know!!!!
And lastly,
The Promise of more shirtless Rollo
Boom. Promise kept.
Well we hope this clears up any questions you had regarding the tangled web of promises in this episode, and if not, we at least hope the 1983 song “Promises Promises” by Naked Eyes is now stuck in your head for the rest of the day.
You’re welcome.
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All Vikings images are courtesy of the History Channel.
