There was a hairy bear
I understand how it’s crucial for Bjorn’s character development to demonstrate his mad survival skills in the face of a hostile environment, but his subsistence story line is starting to feel a little like watching an episode of Bassmasters, which, if you don’t know, is literally a show in which you watch two guys fish.
“What kind of lure are you using there, Ray?”
This week saw some excitement injected into Bjorn’s world in the form of a giant bear who mistakes Bjorn’s animal traps for pic-a-nic baskets and freely thieves from them. Apparently, in Norse mythology a man who kills a bear is imbued with the strength of Odin, which goes a long way toward explaining why, when confronted with a one ton bear, Bjorn did not immediately do this:
and instead did this:
What the hell is wrong with you?
I suspect this move can also be attributed to Bjorn’s consumption of massive amounts of what we hope is moonshine, and not a previous inhabitants attempt a indoor plumbing.
Annnnnnnnnd he’s out.
Bjorn is ultimately victorious over the behemoth, and I hope that strength transfer happens immediately, because Kalf, fresh from bedding Lagertha, conspires with Erlandur to send a massive berserker to kill Bjorn. Lags, you really should have pulled a ‘Black Widow’ on Kalf when you had the chance!
There was a scary bear
As the Seer predicted, the bear has married a princess, and there is nothing this princess enjoys more than poking the bear (tragically not in the sexy way). This week, Gisla goes on a public tear regarding the indignities of Saint Eullalia the immodestly murdered while Rollo munches on an oversized novelty mutton leg totally oblivious to her marital analogy.
After insinuating that her father sold her off to a brute who probably wants to chop off her head(which he kind of did), she demands a divorce after tossing a refreshing beverage in Rollo’s face. Rollo, however, has no freaking clue what is going on, and that makes Rollo annnnnnngrrrrrry!
But Rollo is just a misunderstood soul, unable to express his sensitive side through a common tongue. In providing a language teacher for Rollo, Count Odo not only gives Rollo the opportunity to learn to communicate, but also to express his feminine side.
What a miraculous transformation!
Mercy
As I pointed out in the last post, ladies are really bearing the brunt of the dickery around here, and that is true in spades for Helga. Thanks to Ragnar, she has been reduced to playing the role of “human umbrella” to protect Floki from his water torture. But that wasn’t enough for old Rags, he had to double down on the dick moves by forcing Helga into telling Floki about the death of their daughter.
This is quickly becomning the official gif of season 4
But Ragnar is still conflicted by the torture of is friend, and is visited by an old friend to help him clarify his path.
Yay! Athestan is here!!!!! He has come down from the heavens to teach Ragnar the golden rule of Christianty: “Thou shalt not do dick moves unto others as you would not have them do dick moves unto you.” Ragnar recognizes the wisdom in these scriptures, and frees Floki from his (and Helga’s) torture.
He’s his own grandpa
Athelstan’s ghost also visited King Ecbert, making the sign of the cross at him, and cluing Ecbert and Judith into Athelstan’s demise. Apparently Ecbert took his ghostly blessing to indicate that the man upstairs is giving the big “thumbs up” on continuing to boink his daughter-in-law.
Awkward
Aethelwulf reveals a surprisingly tender side to Queen Cray-cray while caring for Kwenthrith after her rescue. I had forgotten that these two were part of the great “Wes-sexathon” of 793AD, and they had no problem tumbling back into one another’s bed. Taking into account this bed-hopping while adding in the Athelstan and Ragnar factors, it is clear we have moved way beyond a love triangle into what I’m going to call a “sexagon.”
Who says geometry humor is square? (I’m so sorry you guys had to read that)
Wessex is totally giving the concept of “sister-wives” a run for its money by adding interesting twists to the traditional family tree, including “brother-baby-mama-wives” and “priest-lover-fake-grandpa-husbands.”
I also love how the Vikings ladies own their sexing, a theme that will reappear throughout the season (foreshadowing alert!).
Speaking of the rest of the season, I have seen the future and am here to say:
DO NOT MISS NEXT WEEKS EPISODE OF VIKINGS! SO.MUCH.GOOD.
And lastly:
Beerhorn Contest Winners have been chosen!
Congratulations to Shalan, Kathryn and Sarah – you each win an official Vikings on History beer horn! Enjoy your refreshments in style while watching your favorite vikings!
See you all next week when we are going to have a lot to talk about!!
Read all of our Vikings coverage here
All Vikings images are courtesy of the History Channel
