Imagine if you will having that girl’s night but everyone who attends is an attention starved extrovert who used to date the same guy. Then add in 9 weeks worth of pent up animosity towards one another, frustration with their public perception and an increasing distaste for taking the high road among online critics and snarky recappers (who me?). Sprinkle in a small wardrobe of lace mini dresses, enough cleavage to start a La Leche League and a plethora of mermaid length hair extensions. Then, put them in front of a live audience with two hours of air time and an exuberant Chris Harrison. Voila, you have the Women Tell All. It’s a disaster. We’ll have to wait until next week to find out which of the two women Ben loves he’ll propose to, so until then let’s pretend to care about the ones he left behind.
Here are my favorite moments from the Women Tell All (episode 10) of The Bachelor with gif reactions.
No really, Who are you?
The Women Tell All is basically just one big audition video for Bachelor in Paradise so prepare yourself for a whole lot of “I don’t care.” Sure, it’s a chance to see who invested in a professional stylist instead of a quick trip to Forever 21. Yes, it also gives us the opportunity to find out who thinks body glitter is still a thing (I’m looking at you, Thing 1 and Thing 2). But mostly, it’s a chance for those women who we barely saw on the show to suddenly think we care about their opinions. Newsflash: We don’t.
I watch each of these episodes twice, write a recap and talk about them in everyday conversation as if it’s normal and I still didn’t recognize half of the 17 women who were featured. I’m starting to think it’s a survival technique. If I forget about Shushanna the surprisingly opinionated Russian mail order bride, then I don’t have to think about the fact that she didn’t speak English the entire first episode as a shtick. Sadly, she spoke so much at the Women Tell All (in English no less) that I wasn’t given that luxury. Also, she’s apparently a mathematician. How does that happen? They must be handing graduate degrees at customs these days. Thanks, Obama.
I get it. If I were Tiara, the chicken enthusiast that was sent home on night one, I would probably want a second chance at my fifteen minutes of fame too. I can’t say that I’d bring my pet chicken Sheila with me though. No really, she brought a chicken. She sat in the back row petting her chicken like that villain on Inspector Gadget with his fat cat. It was disturbing and delightful. Especially when Sheila the chicken decided she was over it and attacked Lace. I wonder if anyone has started a “Sheila for Bachelorette” campaign yet.
My reaction.
Jubilee reporting for duty
Jubilee was the first reject woman in the hot seat (I’m not lame calling it the “hot seat,” Chris Harrison calls it that too and he’s the boss ). She didn’t even need to make the trip up to the stage though because Jami and Amber turned on her as soon as the red light flashed on the camera. First off, Jami who? Second, go away Amber. I admire your ability to get vacations paid for by ABC, but after seeing you on Chris’ season of The Bachelor, Ben’s season and Bachelor in Paradise, I think it’s time to hang up the bikini.
Apparently Jubliee had made comments during filming about being the only full-black woman on the show. Being biracial, Jami and Amber were offended. Eventually Jubilee apologized for offending them, but all this exchange did was confirm that The Bachelor has no idea how to discuss issues of race. You could almost see Chris Harrison thinking “don’t say anything accidentally racist, don’t say anything accidentally racist” as he sat there flummoxed.
Jubliee and Chris spoke about her doomed relationship with Ben, but I tuned out after they announced her promotion to Sergeant in the Army Reserves. I was too busy imagining a season of The Bachelorette where Jubilee has 28 uniformed military men to choose from. Sir, yes sir.
My reaction.
Someone call security
Next up was Lace the aptly named wine enthusiast who had a thing for eye contact with Ben. Lace sent herself home when she realized that she wasn’t handling the “journey” very well. In other words, she was a stage five clinger with obsessive tendencies. Aren’t we all? Lace seems to be doing well working on “loving herself” by “calling her mom a lot” or something. She should write a self-help book. Or maybe not, because, despite her self-discovery, she accepted an invitation to Bachelor in Paradise. Why do I get the feeling that she’ll be on a first name basis with Jorge the Bartender. Wait, why am I on a first name basis with him? Maybe I should call Lace’s mom too.
The clock was winding down on my interest in Lace’s well-being when some small man stood up in the audience and whipped his shirt off to show a tattoo of Lace’s face on his ribcage. He hopped up on stage to take a picture with her and she looked legitimately terrified to touch him. I’m sure he won’t regret that decision. I mean, how did he think that was going to turn out? I don’t think “I tattooed her face on my naked body and then we fell madly in love” is a love story I’ve ever heard before and I read an embarrassing amount of romance novels.
My reaction.
Olivia almost makes me feel bad
While the tattooed man was slathering aquaphor on his 21st century love note, Olivia was taking the stage. She never managed to tell us how she got off that deserted island Ben left her on, but she did admit that she didn’t handle being on the show very well. She blamed her awkward behavior on being an introvert who was bullied as a child, but the other women weren’t buying it. Jennifer (No really, who is she?) exclaimed that the other women like to “read books and talk smart things too” so now I’m convinced they’re holding casting calls at Rhodes Scholar convention.
The twins, Haley and Emily, were the most outspoken critics of Olivia with second place going to Amanda who took offense to Olivia saying Ben should run away from anyone with kids. I mean, I get it, but I also have kids and she’s right. Run, Ben, run!
I thought the twins came off looking petty and even started to feel a twinge of guilt for making fun of Olivia all season. Then she said that most of the jokes about her big mouth were funny and I was like, “phew, she’s totally talking about me. We’re cool.” I don’t think we’ll be seeing much more of Olivia in the future. This didn’t seem like the right fit for her personality, but I’ll always be grateful for the memories.
My reaction.
Bachelorette Casting Couch
I guess I have to mention that Caila got interviewed by Chris Harrison too, but I don’t want to because it was painfully boring. Caila was dumped by Ben only last week and I already don’t want to hear from her anymore. Usually I adore watching the dumpees relive their breakups, but I think Caila just needs to go back to whatever place she comes from where people smile all the time and leave me alone. Okay, that was harsh, I’m just feeling bitter because I keep reading rumors that she’s going to be The Bachelorette and I’m not okay with it.
Yes, she’s beautiful and handles herself with grace, but she is so annoyingly cheerful that I know I’d have to spend the whole season being grumpy just to balance things out. Don’t do it to me Bachelor, think about my children. Suffice it to say that Ben broke her heart, but she hopes to find love on The Bachelorette like he has someday.
My reaction.
Best Bachelor ever
Finally Ben arrived to face his ex-girlfriends for the first time since filming ended. He looked adorable as always with a big dopey grin on his face every time someone mentioned his top secret fiancé. He told Chris that he would “marry that girl tomorrow” if he could and all of the producers started scrambling to write up a legally binding contract. But first he had to face the firing squad and answer any questions the women had for him.
Most notably Leah the Liar tried to blame the drama from the night she was sent home on Ben. Nice try, Leah but when you try to pit Ben against the love of his life Lauren it isn’t going to end well for you. Sit down and be glad you got an invite at all. He spent some time reassuring Caila that he did have genuine feelings for her in a meeting of the exes that was nothing like that emotional youtube video. Then Amanda told him that she was glad he cried when she was sent home, because she has kids and she’s used to crying. Or something like that.
Basically, Ben continued to be his usual charming self and I went back to carving his and Lauren’s initials on a tree.
My reaction.
honorable mention goes to
The unsung hero of any of these live shows is the audience. I don’t know if they hang out outside of mime schools to find the most expressive human beings on the planet to fill the seats, but well done, good sirs. Those men and women exchanged glances and stared aghast like they were watching gladiators fight to the death in ancient Rome. Earlier in the episode they showed us out of focus footage of Ben and Chris crashing people’s watch parties and it was a wonderful blend of sorority houses and middle aged women. Just like my soul. I know a lot of people are threatening to leave the country if a certain candidate wins the presidency, but everyone should just join Bachelor Nation instead.
My reaction.
The finale is next week!
The clips from next week’s grand finale were amazing. When Ben told his mom that he’s in love with two women she looked physically ill and you just know this mama’s boy is going to start feeling the good old fashioned parental guilt trip. I can’t think of another season where I was genuinely convinced that the Bachelor was still undecided this close to the end. If you haven’t seen a single episode yet this year, this is the one you’ll slightly regret not watching. The best clip from the upcoming episode was found in this exchange between Ben and either Lauren or JoJo filmed in a bathroom where they think they won’t be filmed. Think again, suckers.
That’s ice cold. Someone is going to get their heart broken and we are all going to watch. Bring popcorn.
My reaction.
My Final Pick (no spoilers)
Last week I was really conflicted about whom Ben was going to propose to, but a week of reflection has swayed me to agree with the poll results from my last recap. With a final tally of 67.32% to 32.68% Lauren is the clear frontrunner. May they get married in a ridiculous spectacle aired on ABC and name their two sons Chris and Harrison. I’m so far on team Ben and Lauren (Blauren?) that I’m going to search for their address and send them a monogrammed towel on their anniversary every year until they have a full set. Don’t let me down, Ben!
Do you agree with my final pick? Is there any chance that JoJo could be the Bachelorette or are we going to be stuck with Caila? What kind of name is Sheila for a pet chicken? Talk to me in the comments!
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*all images are courtesy of abc unless otherwise sourced
