Fantasies are a funny thing. For someone like Leo a fantasy may be winning a prestigious award for cuddling up naked in a steaming horse carcass. For someone like me it’s taking a shower without getting interrupted to fast forward the commercials during Paw Patrol. Meanwhile, for the twisted souls behind The Bachelor it’s having a man spend three consecutive nights with three different women while convincing 9 million viewers that this is somehow normal or healthy behavior a week before proposing.
This week was the infamous fantasy suite date episode of The Bachelor in which Ben Higgins got to spend some quality time off camera with Caila, Lauren and JoJo in Jamaica. Historically this is the most uncomfortable episode to watch of any given season and that includes watching JoJo introduce herself to Ben wearing a unicorn head. Usually by the time this week rolls around I have checked out and just want to have my Monday nights back, but this season I am all in. I drank the Kool-Aid. My eyes are barely rolling anymore, guys. They’re too busy staring in abject horror at the disaster taking place on screen. It’s so bad, it’s good.
Here are my favorite moments from the fantasy suite episode (week 9) of The Bachelor with gif reactions.
Caila feels awkward
First up for the fantasy dates was Caila who makes me wish I was half Filipina too, because her hair and skin tone are drool worthy. Then again, maybe I’m just thinking about drool because I took a nap during the first half of their boring date. If you’re ever wondering how to make a raft ride through the jungles of Jamaica and sipping on coconuts in a cabana tedious, Caila and Ben gave a master class worthy of the Oprah Channel. When they weren’t exchanging banal social niceties, they were sitting in silence. It was more awkward than hearing Caila’s dad describe dating her as a “special thing to tap into.”
After the awkwardness of their raft trip, they separated to change clothes before dinner. I like to imagine Caila giving herself a pep talk in the mirror while brushing her glorious mane. In my head it went something like, “Pull it together, Caila. You know you shouldn’t show any emotion outside of love and adoration if you want to make it to the end.” Whatever she said worked, because she showed up to dinner with renewed enthusiasm for our favorite polyamor and declarations of love. Don’t mind her earlier anxiety, Ben. Caila was just feeling anxious because she’s in love with you and the reality of sharing you with two other women was overwhelming. How shocking. Excuse my yawn, it was a long day with the kids and you’re boring.
My reaction.
Making Fireworks
Ben skimmed over Caila’s insecurities and declaration of love by kissing her and offering her an invitation to “forego” their individual rooms in exchange for a shared suite sans cameramen. Just what every girl wants to hear. Caila said that she was okay with him not verbally reciprocating her feelings because she had no choice in the matter because she could see the love in his eyes and feel it in his breath. Feel it in his breath? Ben might want to see a dentist about that. Maybe Olivia can slip him some mint leaves at the Women Tell All.
They went to their fantasy suite where they kissed on the bed in their extremely tight fitting bathing suits while fireworks exploded behind them in the world’s least subtle innuendo. The cameras came back the next morning to a scene of them drinking coffee in bed like those couples do on the information channel at vacation resorts. I wonder if they had to attend a 3 hour informational meeting about timeshares too. Ben wondered if Caila wakes up that beautiful every morning to which I laughed imagining her sneaking off at 4am to brush her teeth and fluff her perfect hair. Ben walked away from their date while Caila blew kisses from the balcony which was sweet until you remember that he’s literally walking next door for his next date. I hope he takes a shower and gets a shot of penicillin first.
My reaction.
Lauren’s Dream Guy
If you’ve been reading my recaps this season you know that I have been #TeamLauren ever since I saw her and Ben in that super creepy hot tub in the middle of nowhere. They are too cute together. Although, the way they kept describing their excitement to see one another as being like little kids made me concerned about their childhoods. Their requisite outdoor activity this week was helping a nest of baby sea turtles make their first trek into the ocean with the help of an adorably frumpy conservationist named Mel. Ben and Lauren gushed with amazement as the sea turtles took their “long journey” to their “destiny.” We get it. The sea turtles are a metaphor for The Bachelor. You can stop patting yourself on the back now, Chris Harrison.
While the sea turtles made their way down the beach where they’d either swim free or be eaten alive by carnivorous crabs (the arthropods not the STD), Lauren and Ben talked on the beach. They gazed into each other’s eyes and exchanged compliments in a way that should have made me gag, but I’m Heidi 2.0 this season so I just sighed with my chin in my hands and hearts in my eyes. Ben told Lauren that meeting her family reminded him that he’s the lucky one in this situation and that Lauren is too good for him. Lauren assured him that she is not too good for him because he’s “legitimately the man of (her) dreams.” I made a note on my phone to set my DVR for their wedding special.
My reaction.
Just Get married already
Ben and Lauren changed into their date night clothes and strolled the streets of Jamaica that night where they did the white boy sway while listening to a reggae band sing the lyrics “I’m in love with the lady.” Real subtle, guys. They pretended to eat dinner while Ben fished for compliments and then they (shocker) accepted the key to the fantasy suite.
Once they were settled on the couch in their suite Lauren took a deep breath and told Ben that she is in love with him. Then Ben broke the cardinal Bachelor rule and said it back! He didn’t pull a Bachelor Andy and whisper it under his breath either. He full on said the words “I’ve known I’m in love with you for a while as well.” Then the heavens opened up and the angels sang Hallelujah. Or maybe that was just me.
The look of sheer relief on Lauren’s face was adorable while also disturbing because, hello two other girlfriends! They shared coffee in bed the next morning (I hope Ben washed the cup Caila used the day before) and said good bye while promising not to hold anything back. Wait, did I miss a conversation? Hold what back? Haven’t they started hiding mics during the overnight dates so I can eavesdrop yet? Ben said, “sometimes things just feel right” while Lauren declared “Ben is my person” and I looked up from calligraphing save the date cards to nod in agreement.
My reaction.
Can you feel the love?
Ben (and I) were riding high from his fantastic date with his future wife Lauren. Then JoJo showed up with her perfect body and adorable personality and ruined everything. At this point in the episode I had promoted myself to captain of the S.S. Ben and Lauren so every time he even looked at JoJo I yelled “stop cheating on Lauren, Ben!” Someone send a lifeboat.
Ben and JoJo took a helicopter to the gorgeous YS Falls in Negril, Jamaica which instantly went to the top of my “places to visit that don’t feature a small man dressed as a mouse” list. Don’t we all have one of those? After gratuitously stripping off their clothes for the viewers at home (has Ben always had that tattoo on his ribcage?) they spent the day swimming under the beautiful waterfall on a date that could make even the most cynical among us start humming “Can You Feel the Love Tonight.”
JoJo was definitely feeling the love when she took a deep breath and laid all her feelings out there. Just like Caila and Lauren before her, she told Ben that she is in love with him. Just like with Lauren, Ben reciprocated the feelings. That’s right. Ben broke the rules by telling not one, but two of the women that he’s in love with her. I can’t with this guy. The thing is I think he meant it. After seeing JoJo’s adorably freckled face relax under the reassurance of his love I kinda fell for her too. Ben, you stupid, wonderful man. This is the best/worst thing I’ve ever seen on television.
My reaction.
I love you…too?
At dinner that night Ben had the opportunity to ask JoJo for some reassurance about how her family would accept him. Her big brothers may or may not have put out a hit on Ben after meeting him last week, but she’s smart, beautiful, kind and well-spoken, so what’s the threat of murder among in-laws? That’s just Thanksgiving dinner in some families.
Once they swept the family drama aside to deal with in marriage counseling a few years from now, JoJo and Ben accepted the fantasy suite key. They kissed in a private hot tub where they continued to exchange “I love yous” which would have been adorable except he had just done the same thing with Lauren the night before. Ben is the Oprah of saying “I love you.” You get an I love you, you get an I love you, everybody gets an I love you!
They woke up together the next morning and truly, they’re sickeningly sweet together. They have a physical chemistry that is probably a little hotter than his with Lauren. In fact, if I hadn’t seen Ben’s date with Lauren I would be firmly on #TeamJoJo but as it stands, I’m just as confused as Ben is. I think he really does love them both and now I do too. I feel your pain, Ben but maybe you should have thought about the long game here and sorted out your feelings before dropping the love bomb and (presumably) sleeping with all three of the remaining women.
My reaction.
An unhappy surprise
In a case of the worst timing in the world, Caila crashed Ben’s hotel because she missed him and wanted to see his face. Big mistake, Caila, Ben has just declared his love for not one but two women and you aren’t one of them. Ben took the opportunity to end things early with Caila which completely took her by surprise. In her shock she hugged him goodbye and got in the van to drive away, but then she hopped out at the last second like a Fast and the Furious stuntman to get more answers. She wanted to know if he knew she wasn’t the one “before.” Before what? Oh, never mind, I get it. She means before he spent the night with her. You go, girl.
Caila was not my favorite contestant this season. She’s young and annoyingly cheerful, but she impressed me with her self-assuredness. Ben, on the other hand, is disturbingly bad at break ups. Isn’t this the part of the show when they bring in a past contestant like Juan Pablo to show him how it’s done? I’d pay good money to hear Ben say, “eees okay” right about now.
Caila left with her dignity mostly intact, but she was clearly heartbroken. Hearing her cry “I really thought this was it” made me hate Ben just a little bit and you all know how I feel about Mr. Higgins. Plus, she left before she gave us step by step instructions on how she does her blowout and I just cant forgive that.
My reaction.
Then there were two
Lauren and JoJo arrived separately to the rose ceremony where they both stopped to tell Chris Harrison that Ben had told them he loved them. Did I mention he said it to both of them? Two nights in a row with two different women? Okay good, just checking. I don’t know how Chris Harrison managed to keep his hands from rubbing together maniacally with dollar signs in his eyes. He’s a true professional.
Of course, the women didn’t know that Caila had been sent home early so they engaged in some very awkward small talk while they waiting for the ceremony to proceed. JoJo asked Lauren if she is feeling anxious or confident and you just know Lauren was dying to throw it in her face that she’s very confident because they’re in love. Can you imagine JoJo’s face if she had? Next time, Bachelor, next time.
Ben arrived in what looked like his laundry day clothes to hand out both roses (JoJo got hers first this week) Then they stood around toasting to their great weeks. It was just as awkward as it sounds. Doing what The Bachelor does best, you could almost watch the women getting less and less secure in their relationship with every sip of champagne. Ben said, “I’m in deep trouble” and I couldn’t agree more.
My reaction.
Women Tell All
We are so close to the end now, but we’ll have to wait two weeks to find out who Ben chooses because next week is the Women Tell All special. It’s always fun to see our old favorites come back to hash out months old drama. I’m especially looking forward to rolling my eyes while Olivia inevitably talks about her bad edit. The special will also give us a chance to start speculating about the prospects for Bachelorette casting. Plus, the break between episodes will give me the chance to process my seriously conflicted emotions about who I want to win. This is dire.
My reaction.
My Picks (No spoilers)
Lauren and JoJo
Guys, I don’t even know. I. Don’t. Even. Know. I had the displeasure of watching this episode all the way through twice this week. With my first viewing I was 100% positive that Lauren was winning this thing, but with my second viewing I think it could be JoJo. Either way, I’m confident that one of these women are going to completely blindsided which is what we are all here for, right? I mean, forget that, we are here for love. Just love, no taking pleasure in other peoples misery here. I promise to come back with my pick before the finale, but this week I’m leaving it up to you. Who do you think is going to win this thing? Take the poll below and I’ll report back next week. Let’s be honest, it’s probably about as official as a Super Tuesday polling place at this point.
Were you as grossed out by the fantasy suite bed hopping as I was? How many of the sea turtles do you think survived? What hair products do you think Caila uses? Who is going to be the bachelorette? Let’s talk in the comments!
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*all images are courtesy of abc unless otherwise sourced
