Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives
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If you love Triple D, you’re probably an early 30 something, married, and possibly still child-free. You take vacations to places like Vegas, Sandals resorts and Orlando Amusement Parks and make a list of restaurants featured on the show to stop at. Even though it sounds freaking disgusting, you’re mildly intrigued by regional dishes like scrapple and chitlins and secretly want to try them. You’ve created a mental block to shut out Guy Fieri’s ridiculous rhyming, mugging for the camera, bleached hair and show boating because the show is a genuinely interesting slice of Americana.
Barefoot Contessa
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If Ina Garten is your girl, you most definitely think a weekend in the Hamptons/Cape Cod/Palm Beach/Santa Barbara/Marin is a “good thing.” You also probably have a few gay friends who either bring over flower arrangements or plan the weekend trips and don’t mind getting sauced on a “good” sparkling rose while watching Real Housewives or The Good Wife on a week night. You’ve pinned her kitchen, own her cook books and have bought “good” vanilla because after all Ina said so. You know Ina’s relationship with Jeffrey is just a cover for both of them or a super weird life imitates art imitates career aspirations Julia Child kind of thing. AND THAT’S A GOOD THING.
Bobby Flay
You’re probably an asshole, or married to one. You’re definitely on years 10-15 of your marriage, probably childless but no one in the relationship is sure why. You have to slather on the SPF just to stand outside and grill a lot of stone fruit and grilled pizzas. Ok, this was mean, he just seems like a super douche. PS The whole Bobby and Giada thing seems shady as hell.
The Pioneer Women
You are my mom or my aunties or my cousins (fun fact: I am distantly, through marriage related to the Pioneer Woman) or a 30-60+ woman with 3 kids and a dog who reads mom blogs, Pinterests EVERYTHING, crochets, loves the country home aesthetic and is ALWAYS having a Chico’s Kind of Day.
Giada
If you watch Giada’s shows you’re one of those people who corrects other people’s spelling or grammar and over emphasizes the pronunciation of words you learned in high school French even though you’ve never visited France. Or as Giada would say… PARMEEEESHGAAHNOOOO. You wish you could look like Giada but we all know someone who makes and eats that much pasta could never be Giada’s size.
Paula Deen
It’s interesting that you won’t find ANYTHING about Paula’s shows on the Food Network site anymore but if you liked Paula Deen on Food Network you were probably pretty similar to her, mom from the south who knew everything was better when made with butter. Ain’t that the truth? Even if you weren’t a mom or like Paula you tuned in because she reminded you of your mom or your aunties and grandma who just knew how to cook. Oh and then that whole racist thing happened. YIKES.
Aarti Party
Who are you?! No one watched Aarti Party.
Dweezil and Lisa
Awwwww remember when this was a show? You’re probably a Gen X-er who still wears mohair sweaters, coke bottle glasses and lives in a two bedroom bungalow in Portland with your equally bespectacled partner who is now graying around the temples but still loves Mud Honey and Supergrass.
Ming Tsai / Jacques Torres / Mario Batali / Jamie Oliver
(Remember when he used to look like this?)
You stopped watching The Food Network long ago when shows like Rachel Ray and Guy Fierri and the umpteen “Cupcake/Gingerbread/Cake Challenge” started to edge out the shows with legit chefs like Ming, Jaques, Mario and Jamie. Looking for a fix, you found Top Chef, Chef’s Table on Netflix, Anthony Bourdain’s Parts Unknown, Layover and Pinterest to fill your food show needs and a bonus curiosity about traveling the world. Minus missing Ina Garten, you’re probably better off this way.
And YES, I purposely left out Guy and Rachel. What is/was your favorite Food Network show?
