A rant: What kind of person eats your ice cream sandwich at work?

I don’t understand the kind of person who opens the freezer in the office kitchen, sees ice cream sandwiches they did not purchase themselves and decides to help themselves to said ice cream sandwich purchased by unnamed marketing director who had a real quick 3 pm ice cream sandwich craving one day last week. WHO DOES THAT?

After lamenting about this problem on Facebook (Last summer, when it actually happened THIS POST HAS BEEN DRAFTED SINCE THEN!) My sister-in-law responded:

Maybe it was the person from my school who dug their hand into the middle of a cheesecake to help themselves.

What? Is that a real thing?

Or how about that time I came in on a Monday, worked all morning and half of the afternoon until I decided to make my normal 3 pm lunch of a veggie-BLT. What’s a veggie-BLT? It’s a BLT with FAKE Bacon. It tastes like cardboard to most, but when you haven’t had REAL bacon since the age of 17, it tastes delicious. The ONE thing I have going for me (besides all the other things) is that I’m a vegetarian so no one touches my *gross* (to them) tofu-ish food in the office. EXCEPT ON THIS DAY.

What did I NOT find in the freezer when I was making my 3 pm lunch? Fake Bacon.

SOMEONE.ATE.MY.FAKE.BACON.

The next morning some guy I had literally never seen before popped his head in my office to tell me he bought me new fake bacon. He got hungry when he was working on the weekend and ate all of mine. So he replaced it. Nice of the guy I literally had never seen in my life.

I did some deep research (aka none at all) into the common traits of office thieves, and this is what I found:

• These people tend to “borrow” your toothbrush when you invite them over for dinner and serve something extra garlicky.
• These people generally never wash their hands after going to the bathroom.
• During a potluck dinner, these people usually bring a bag of Doritos.
• When they DO bring in their own lunch (so one every 2 years or so), they always cook fish in the microwave.
• These people have NEVER not burnt a bag of popcorn.
• Studies have shown that these people are usually in the bloodline of Stalin.
• Office food thieves are almost always Donald Drumpf supporters.

Here is a helpful chart

_source

We all know what ultimately happens when office thieves are not stopped. We all saw what happened to Ross when someone ate his Turkey Sandwich.

Don’t turn your poor innocent coworkers into Ross. Don’t EVER use someone else’s toothbrush. AND FOR GOD SAKES DON’T EAT MY DAMN ICE CREAM SANDWICHES.

Tell the truth, are you an office thief? Share your best thieving or innocent victim stories in the comments!