As usual, I’m going to begin with a confession. I spent the first ten minutes of this episode battling a chronic case of the eye-rolls. I mean, genetic manipulation by the smallpox vaccine? A cabal with the ability to remotely switch off the immune systems of an entire populace? A lone crackpot on cable tv actual being correct? Yeah, right.
Actual footage of me.
But this is what we’ve all been here for, right? For 22 years we have been waiting in an endlessly snaking line, back and forth around the velvet ropes, Disneyland-style, and we have finally made it to the motherf%^&ing ride!!!
Also actual footage of me.
So sit back, make sure your harness is in its down and fully-locked position, and let’s get this apocalypse started!!!
All the single ladies
Tad O’Malley is back firing out conspiracy theories faster than Kayne can alienate fans, but Mulder is AWOL – leaving it up to the ladies to save the day!
Scully and Einstein head over to the hospital in hopes of finding some evidence supporting O’Malley’s claims that the Cabal of Dicks (or “COD”) is planning a large-scale infection of the general populace. Eye rolls abounded for me when Scully sees an anthrax-infected patient (basically from across the room) and immediately deduces that the infection would happen as a result of a spontaneous collapse of human immune systems.
Ooooooookay.
Scully and Einstein race to identify the alien DNA in Scully’s genome, which she believes is responsible for the immune system collapse. But they don’t find it! How can that be? Scully saw it there between the 17th pair of chromonsomes just a few weeks – what happened? Oh yeah, they didn’t take a big enough blood sample. Oh there it is – they found it because they had more blood!!!!!
Whatever with the fake drama.
In the middle of the “struggle” (see what I did there: it’s the middle of their struggle to find a cure, and in the middle of the episode “My Struggle”? Genius! Thank you!) long-lost Agent Reyes (who you may remember as the new-agey agent during the “Doggett era”) makes contact in order to no only impart new information about the plot, but also complete the single ladies backup squad.
#supernaturalsquadgoals
Reyes has sold her soul to the devil (aka Cigarette Smoking Man), in exchange for her salvation – a shot of alien DNA in order to preserve her immune system so she can be one of the chosen. Did you hear that? The alien DNA is solution, not the problem!
Scully and Einstein leap into action, creating a vaccine from Scully’s genetic material in a few hours, you know, like how long it took to create a vaccine for polio . . . plus or minus 48 years.
shhhhhhh. it’s okay.
It’s Miller time
Meanwhile, Mulder has gotten into a bit of a scrape with a hired thug, and Miller is out to track him down. Show of hands, when Miller was checking out Mulder’s office who had a moment thinking he was another Krycek sent to betray the X-Files?
Totally.
But Miller tracks Mulder down to the Cigarette Smoking Man’s house, where CSM is having a Scooby-Doo moment revealing his evil plan to Mulder. The gyst being that the COD is culling all but the protected so they can create a new world in their image in which everyone can smoke themselves silly without getting hassled by a bunch of secondhand smoke goodie-2-shoes activists.
Mulder rejects CSM’s offer of immunity and a spot on the governing board of the new world order, even as he’s succumbing to his own illness. Mulder hurls a variety of insults at CSM, but CSM is like: “You don’t even know how gross I am.” Then he takes his mother-loving nose off, revealing the permanent damage done to his skull from the blast that burned him to a crisp in the first series!!! I repeat: his nose is gone!
so.gross.
Miller has tracked Mulder’s phone, and comes to rescue him from all the gross (yay! He is a good guy . . . maybe). Scully sets off to intercept Millulder (still workshopping ship names) with the vaccine. But it may be too late for Mulder . . . unless they can get stem cells from their son! Squeeeeeeee! We will finally get to meet William!!! But wait, it’s 8:57: there isn’t any time left! And wait again: An alien craft has appeared and locked Scully in its beam to rapture her! So let me get this straight, The X-Files, you’re just going to leave us all hanging? In a word: yes.
That’s right, folks! In order to find out what happens we are all going to have to wait for the next installment – coming to a theater/television/brain implant near you in the year 2027!
Well, that wraps up this mini-season of the X-Files. Overall, I really enjoyed it! I wish a little more of the old-school mythology was woven into the roll-out of the final plan (what the hell was the black oil for again?). And I also would have liked the grand conspiracy to have been woven a little more tightly into this arc, instead of just at the beginning and the end. And, of course, I would have liked to see a little more Mulder/Scully kissy face.
But maybe that’s just me.
See you all in 2027 for the next round of The X Files!
