In my experience, demonstrating love after having kids becomes more about letting the other person sleep in on Saturday than it is about leaving post-it love notes on the bathroom mirror. (Mostly because your preschooler stole all of the post-its to use as band aids.) So, when I realized that there was both a Valentine’s Day Bachelor Special and our regularly scheduled Monday night debacle I knew I was going to have to do some fast negotiating. I hope you all appreciate my sacrifice, because I’ll be watching post-game analysis of Premiere League Soccer until Spring.
With only 6 women remaining this season things are getting downright respectable around here. I mean, only 6 girlfriends? At this point Ben could fit all of his women in a single minivan for a trip around his hometown if he so desired. Oops, did I say minivan? I meant a patio boat, because yes, The Bachelor went to Warsaw, Indiana this week and yes, they traveled by boat on a picturesque lake everywhere because apparently that’s a thing in real life and not just a trope in Nicholas Sparks books.
Here are my favorite moments from week 7 of The Bachelor and the ever so romantic Valentine’s Day Special.
This feels special
After staring at my TV in abject horror following the mid-season premiere of The Walking Dead on Sunday night I needed a palette cleanse pronto. Nothing could have fit the bill better than an hour of Bachelor montages followed by the televised wedding of Bachelor in Paradise success story, Jade and Tanner. I went into this special rolling my eyes so hard I thought they’d fall out of my face, but I ended it smiling like the fangirl I am at the core.
Watching the montages and funny out-takes of the past 20 seasons was like attending a high school reunion. Except I got to do it while eating Girl Scout cookies in my sweatpants and I didn’t have to talk to that one gym teacher who used to creep me out but is now bewilderingly attractive. Seeing old cast members like Andrew Firestone and Trista Sutter was like visiting with old friends. Old friends who you enjoyed judging for their romantic entanglements, but old friends nonetheless. It is comforting to know that Ashely I. still harbors an unhealthy obsession with Jared, that Chris Soules’ laugh is still reminiscent of a prepubescent hyena, that Ali Fedotowsky still annoys me and that Jillian Harris still has a penchant for the frat-boy type. (Speaking of, where was Ed Swiderski? They must not have had an open bar.) It was delightfully campy and unabashedly cheesy. I loved every second of it.
Like the most dramatic wedding officiant ever Chris Harrison said, the core of this show is ratings love so after an hour of reminiscing, Jade and Tanner exchanged vows in a surprisingly sweet ceremony. Jade looked beautiful, Tanner looked thrilled and Bachelor Bob Guiney looked like he ate too much cheese off the appetizer platters. Past Bachelor and Bachelor in Paradise contestant apostrophe eyebrows Carly sang an original song which went about as well as you’d expect. Then, it was official! They were married and it was time for Seal to sing, you guessed it, “Kissed by a Rose” for their first dance. You can never accuse this show of straying from theme.
All I have to say after watching this special is that I can’t believe I’ve been watching this garbage for 12 years. Oh and, uh, give me more.
My reaction.
Lauren B-Ball
With Tanner and Jade happily ensconced in their honeymoon suite at whichever discount resort ABC got advertising from it was finally time to get back to finding Ben Higgins a temporary fiancé wife. This was the final week of dates before the remaining women will take Ben home to meet their families so the stakes are high. In a cruel twist, rather than finding out who would get the first date by receiving a date card, Ben asked Lauren B. out in person. Of course, that meant he asked out her in front of the other women who did not appreciate it in the least. I can’t imagine why not.
Ben took Lauren on a tour of his favorite places in Warsaw. They made stops at his high school, church, the movie theater where he had his first kiss and finally, the youth club where my love for Ben Higgins would be cemented for all time where he used to work. Lauren and Ben played basketball with a few special guests from the Indiana Pacers and a room filled with the most adorable kids. I’m not kidding guys, watching Ben interact with those kids was so attractive that it almost talked me into having a fourth kid. This is serious. Send diapers.
Lauren and Ben have off the charts chemistry. He can’t keep his hands off of her and her tiny little mouth strains to contain her smile when they’re together. One little girl at the youth club said she thinks Ben is going to fall in love with Lauren and I was like “I know! Me too! Have you read my recaps?”
Ben and Lauren used the dinner portion of their date to make googly eyes at each other in between clearing the air of the rumors Leah started last episode. Ben decided that he trusts Lauren is being her true self but really, if you saw how he looked at her there really wasn’t any doubt that he was going to keep her around for the long haul. In an interview after the date Lauren admitted that she’s in love with him and even my cold heart grew two sizes bigger. These two are too cute.
My reaction.
Wrigley Play the field
It was going to be tough to top Lauren and Ben’s great date, but the next day JoJo had the honor of trying. She and Ben left Warsaw behind for a day trip to Chicago where they had Wrigley Field all to themselves. If you thought baseball was boring before, you have no idea how tedious it is to watch only two people play in coordinating “Mr. and Mrs. Higgins” uniforms. What I wouldn’t have given to watch Chris Harrison shag balls in a bat boy uniform. It was, however, entertaining to watch Ben who is apparently a hug Cubs fan fulfill a childhood fantasy. Meanwhile, JoJo got to fulfill the adult fantasy of cuddling and dining with Ben in the outfield.
JoJo and Ben have a good connection, but it’s not as easygoing as his connection to Lauren. Mostly that’s because JoJo isn’t fully letting herself fall for Ben until she feels safe. Ben was a little frustrated with her reticence, because he needs to know how she feels before he can decide if she’s the one for him. Hold the hypocritical train there conductor, Ben. You want to feel safe enough to propose, but she’s expected to just ignore her every self-preserving instinct by falling for you? Because nothing says safe like falling for a man who has multiple girlfriends, can’t verbally reassure you about your relationship and won’t be able to tell you he loves you until he is on his knee to propose. Hey look, my eye roll from the Valentine’s Day special is back.
I feel like there was a glitch in editing or something, because one second JoJo was scared to fall for Ben and the next the date was over and she was declaring that she’s no longer had any fears and she’s Team Ben. I’m starting to think there’s a little Stockholm Syndrome going on. Someone get that girl to the nearest wifi hotspot immediately, she has been in the Bachelor bubble for too long. That or Ben just wore her down by gazing soulfully into her eyes. It’s possible. Did I mention how sincere he is?
My reaction.
3 on 1 is no fun
Since next week is hometown dates it means that there was only one more group date for the rest of the season. The producers really outdid themselves with a trip to a farm. By “outdid themselves” I mean completely underwhelmed me. I’ve seen more farms watching The Bachelor in recent seasons than a pesticide salesman. Don’t be too impressed guys, but they rowed dinghies and sat in, wait for it, a barn. Caila, Amanda and Becca seemed equally as unimpressed. You could tell that they were trying to feign enthusiasm, but there are only so many bails of hay a person can sit on before getting annoyed. My personal quota is no bails of hay.
Ben spent a little bit of time with each of the women while the other two waited around for their turn. You’d think they’d be used to it by now, but they just got increasingly agitated. They were especially annoyed after they were informed that one of them would receive a rose and continue on the date while the remaining two would be sent back to their lake house early.
Most notable from this date was the fact that if you ever get the chance to play poker against Ben you should take it, because he wears his every thought on his face. While you could see his eyes light up talking about Amanda’s daughter’s you could also see him struggling to connect with Becca. Becca has been one of my top picks since week one, because she seemed like a good match for him, but when you hear yourself trying to convince your date that you deserve someone who wants you back, it’s probably time to reassess. Ben didn’t give Becca the reassurance she was looking for, so she begged him to please not blindside her. That seems like a good indication that your relationship is progressing well.
My reaction.
Golden Arches
Ben gave the group date rose to Amanda which meant Becca and Caila got sent back home early to mope and cry while Amanda got a romantic and healthy meal at McDonald’s. I’m not even kidding right now. Ben and Amanda filmed a commercial had a date at McDonald’s where Amanda pretended she was going to eat absolutely anything on their menu. Really, McDonald’s? I’m not going to pretend that I never eat there, because they have an indoor playplace where my kids can run rampant while I eat french fries (call me, I’ll do any commercial you want) but a date? They worked the drive through window for a while which was clearly a set-up because not one of those moms in their SUVs had on a headband and smudged mascara and I didn’t hear a single kid screaming about apple juice while trying to escape their seat belt from the back seat.
After eating a french fry Lady and the Tramp style Amanda and Ben went to a local fair where the entire town of Warsaw watched Ben almost throw up on the rides. I don’t blame him for being nervous, he’s totally right that they put those rides together in like an hour. But I have to admit that I’m really hoping we hear him utter the sentence “if I scream, don’t be weirded out by it, please” again during the fantasy suite dates.
Amanda and Ben get along really well, but I really don’t get a romantic vibe from them. I don’t even care though, because she is safe for next week which means we’ll get to see Ben play with her daughters and we all know that’s going to be the cutest thing ever. I hope they like McDonald’s.
My reaction.
Mama’s Boy
The final date of the week went to Emily, formerly known as Thing 1. I didn’t know how Ben was going to top a romantic dinner for two at McDonald’s until he took Emily to the least sexy date location of all. His parent’s house and yes, his parents were home. Ben is unabashedly a mama’s boy. I would judge him for that but I have a son who I hope to brainwash into being a mama’s boy, so you do you, Ben’s mom.
Emily is young. Sure, she’s 22 and I had already been married for over a year at her age, but she also has the predilections of a 4th grader. She told Ben’s dad that her favorite thing to do is watch movies in bed all day while avoiding vegetables and his mom that her greatest goal is to be an NFL cheerleader. There’s nothing wrong with those traits and I like that she was true to herself, but she probably should have mentioned something more meaningful to her potential future in-laws.
The best part of this date was when Ben’s mom tried to tell Ben that Emily wasn’t the right one for him in the most perfect mom way. She cried! I really need to add the whole crying thing to my schtick, because Ben took one look at his mom’s tears and decided that Emily wasn’t the one for him. Score one for accidental emotional manipulation. Ben took Emily back across the lake where he told her that he couldn’t see her being his wife because his mommy didn’t like her. Emily left brokenhearted and all of the other women rallied around her crying on her behalf. Although, I’m pretty sure by week 7 their menstrual cycles have synced so they were probably just hormonal.
My reaction.
Protect your Blindside
With Emily leaving early it was one down and one to go at the Rose Ceremony. Ben was wrestling with his decision of who to send home and who to take back to their hometowns. For the first time this season he exercised his Bachelor given right to sit on some stairs and look pensive until Chris came to talk him through the decision he was facing. Chris asked him if there were any women that he couldn’t honestly see becoming his wife and just like that you could see the light bulb go off in his head.
The Rose ceremony progressed as usual with only three roses to hand out since Amanda had received one earlier in the week. One by one he handed out the roses to Caila, Lauren B. and JoJo meaning that “please don’t blindside me” Becca was going home. Oops. On her way to the limo of shame Becca kept asking Ben why he would do that to her, but really I think she was processing the fact that for the first time ever, she was going home early. If you’ll remember, Becca was in the final two on Chris Soules’ season making her a front runner in everyone’s minds including my own. I can’t say that I am sad to see her go, because she just doesn’t have a personality that inspires me, plus I’m positive that we’ll see her again in the future. She doesn’t have my ever so important endorsement for Bachelorette, but when was the last time anyone listened to me anyway? Enjoy your perfect hair and face, Becca!
My reaction.
Hometown Visits are the best
I’m seriously so excited for next week’s episode. I know I say that every week, but I really mean it this time. Ben will be visiting the hometowns of JoJo, Caila, Lauren and Amanda. The preview showed him getting verbally assaulted by JoJo’s brothers (one of whom looked extremely familiar until Jamie pointed out that he was on NBC’s short lived dating show Ready for Love). Who doesn’t love being verbally attacked by your future in-laws? Plus, they showed a scene of Ben helping put Amanda’s screaming toddler’s to bed and he had a look of sheer terror and exhaustion on his face. Welcome to parenthood, Ben! This show is the best.
My reaction.
My Top Picks (No spoilers)
From left: Lauren, JoJo, Caila
I’m so ashamed that I let the allure of Becca blind me to the fact that she and Ben had no chemistry. Please forgive me. As an apology I’d like to offer up my picks to survive past hometown dates. Sorry, Amanda, I think you’re staying home next week. Next time tell your kids to stop crying at bedtime. Also, if you figure out how to get your kids to stop crying would you let me know? Okay, thanks.
Do you forgive me for being wrong about Becca? Do you love Ben as much as I do? Do you think Amanda should sneak Benadryl into her daughters’ sippy cups before bed when she has a date over? Tell me in the comments!
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*Images courtesy of ABC unless otherwise sourced
