Throughout the years we had the pleasure of hearing our friends, crushes, boyfriends, basically anyone with male genitalia, called Slimey, La Femme, Used Car Salesman, and then there was one particular unfortunate he christened Slurpee. (Yes, he earned his name by being a bad kisser. We should have known better than to overshare.) My husband of ten years is still lovingly referred to as “Marxist” in a delightful homage to his name, Mark, and his progressive political views. In other words, my dad would have been fantastic on the hometown dates episode of The Bachelor.
That’s right, this week marked the passing of what’s notoriously the most boring episode of any season of The Bachelor; hometown dates. That is, hometown dates are boring unless you’re willing to make fun of the remaining women’s families and, I mean, what kind of sick person would do that? They’re just innocent bystanders in their daughters’ quests for notoriety love. Oh that’s right; I would.
The remaining women (love of his life Lauren, Caila, Amanda and JoJo) each had the chance to spend some time alone with Ben before introducing him to their families and subjecting them to public ridicule. My dad sent me a text message during this episode with an audio recording of Ben’s laugh and the caption “what a dweeb” so I think we can safely say he would have earned a fantastic nickname in my childhood home.
Here are my favorite moments from the hometown dates (week 8) with gif reactions.
Are you my dad?
Ben started the hometown dates off with an interesting fashion choice when he rolled his tight pants up Huckleberry Finn style while waiting to meet Amanda in Laguna Beach, California. I was concerned that he was going to cut off circulation in his lower extremities, but I should have known he’d whip those suckers off for a pair of tailored swim trunks in no time. Good thing, because here came Amanda in an off the shoulder concoction that had her adjusting herself every five seconds like the first time I wore a strapless bra in public. Who am I kidding? Like me every time I have to wear a strapless bra. Those things are the worst.
Amanda was especially excited for her hometown date, because she’d finally get to see her two daughters for the first time in over a month. In true Bachelor fashion we got to witness their reunion and let me tell you, it was cuter than Ben Higgins in a cable knit sweater. Kinsley and Charlie stole the show with their pigtails. Plus, their love of being chased will give them a leg up on Bachelorette 2035.
Anyone who has ever taken a small child or wild animal to the beach will know it’s all fun and games until exhaustion sets in and you have to take the PCH during commute hours to get home. Rookie move, Amanda. You really should have sprung for the 73 toll road because two-year old Charlie was not having it. I took intense pleasure in watching Ben’s eyes grow with every wail from the backseat. You could almost see Amanda’s desperation to make a good impression flailing behind her as she ran to unhook the prison restraints carseats. I kinda adore Amanda for just leaving Charlie in her crib at nap time to cry it out like a pro, but Ben looked like he wanted to be put in the time-out corner.
After her kids were asleep Ben got to know Amanda’s parents and sister. They all thought he was a great guy, but maybe a little young and unprepared to be an “instadad.” (Sidenote: Instadad sounds like an Instagram account that I would gladly follow.) In my opinion, Ben will be a great dad when the time comes, but taking on the responsibility of being a stepparent when you have three other unencumbered girlfriends waiting in the wings is unlikely. Even if their mom wears cutoff shorts like she’s never seen the inside of a delivery room. Amanda gave Ben a tepid kiss goodbye before sending him on his way to his next date. It was like sending him off to war, but with less violence and more chance of contracting mononucleosis.
My reaction.
Keep Portland Weird-ly warm
Next up on Ben’s tour of love was a stop in Portland, Oregon to visit the hometown of Lauren B. Ben and Lauren have some serious chemistry, guys. He looks at her the way I look at the clock when it’s almost my kids’ bedtime; longingly. He likes her so much that he didn’t even care when she pronounced “library” as “libary.” It’s serious. They spent their morning strolling around in the unseasonably dry weather (thanks, Al Gore), playing food poisoning roulette at food trucks and gazing into one another’s eyes. It must be love.
Lauren took Ben home to meet her parents, sister and two younger brothers where things got emotional. As in, Ben got so choked up talking about how much he likes Lauren that he cried. Twice. The rest of the meeting was pretty unremarkable, other than that Lauren’s dad calls her “Baby LoLo” unironically. Oh and she should thank her dad for her cheekbones because, hello genetics.
At the end of the night, Lauren walked Ben to his car for a difficult goodbye. Unlike the awkward farewell Ben shared with Amanda, this time he looked straight up miserable. In my opinion, Ben is done. He did not want to leave Lauren behind. He looked like he was ready to pack it in and call it a day while riding into the sunset with Lauren on his arm. That would have been horrible because the haven’t even seen the awkward glances the women give each other after the fantasy suite dates yet. All I know is that if Lauren doesn’t win this thing, I quit.
Just kidding, Bachelor. I can’t quit you.
My reaction.
Playing around with Caila
It’s a good thing Ben had a long flight to dry those tears, because his next stop was Hudson, Ohio where Caila’s family lives. Ben said that he has the “deepest relationship” with Caila which surprised me, but when you’ve only been alone with each of the women for a handful of hours I supposed deep becomes relative. Or in this case, deep becomes an awkward conversation where she tells you she is afraid she will never love you. Sounds promising.
Caila took her Kate Middleton inspired wardrobe and Ben to the toy factory where her dad works as CEO. They built a plastic playhouse which was supposed to be a (quite literal) analogy for building a home together. Mostly it just looked like a headache for all of the poor employees they dragged in there. I kept picturing Caila’s dad gathering all the factory workers together to give his baby what she wants, Veruca Salt style. I haven’t seen factory workers look that happy since the auto industry bailout of 2008.
My reaction.
Mommy Dearest
After they were done playing in the factory with the common folk, Caila introduced Ben to her parents and brother. There’s no question that Caila got her good hair from her mommy, but let’s hope she also taught her how to cook because that Filipino food looked delicious. Hold up, did I just refer to her mother as “mommy?” I did, because that’s what Caila called her the entire episode. I can’t trust a woman who calls her mom mommy and doesn’t mock her dad’s orange pants even once.
Caila almost pulled the trigger on the L-word as she was saying goodbye to Ben, but in the end she was just too scared. She immediately regretted her reticence and asked herself why “the scared feeling is lingering.”I mean, what’s there to be scared of? You’re only declaring your love for someone who is actively dating three other women. Jump in with both feet, Caila! Nothing can possibly go wrong.
My reaction.
Ben gets jealous
JoJo’s hometown date in Dallas, Texas started out on weird note (pun intended) when she found a letter and a dozen roses on her doorstop. Assuming the letter was from Ben, she started reading it with a dopey smile on her face until she began to realize that something wasn’t quite right. The letter wasn’t from Ben; it was from her ex-boyfriend, Chad. Isn’t that the most ex-boyfriendy name of all ex-boyfriend names? I kinda love that Chad lived up to his name’s reputation in Florida by hanging around unwanted.
JoJo made a quick phone call to hanging Chad where I think she told him she wasn’t interested, but I wasn’t really paying attention because I was too busy frantically searching for a photos of him online. Just as she was hanging up, Ben showed up at her door for their date wearing the world’s most unfortunate zip up sweater. The only acceptable explanation for that sweater is that DFW lost his luggage and a Sears in 1995 was the only store open.
Rather than explore all of the wonders Dallas has to offer, JoJo spent her hometown date reassuring Ben that he shouldn’t be jealous of hanging Chad. Holy double standard, Batman. That is just completely absurd. Ben doesn’t get to be jealous that JoJo has an ex when he currently has four girlfriends. To be fair, Ben looked pretty exhausted from his busy travel/meet the parents schedule so JoJo wasn’t getting the best version of him. But still, the double standard got a major pause from me. Then I remembered that I’m watching The Bachelor and all of my standards went out the window as soon as I pushed play.
My reaction.
A Family made for tv
You know who else wouldn’t get the best version of him? Her big fat ethnically confusing family. JoJo comes from a family of prominent physicians and real estate developers who look more like the cast of a crime show. Their home was nearly as enormous as her mother’s lips, but not even close to as big as her half-brothers’ egos. As I mentioned last week, JoJo’s brother Ben was one of the stars of the ill-fated NBC dating show “Ready for Love” which means this family is not new to the reality TV world. I don’t want to hold that against them, but I couldn’t help but feel (even more) cynical about the process. Were her brothers sincere in their skepticism of Ben’s intentions or were they playing it up for the camera?
Who cares, because their incessant berating of Ben led to the single most hilarious moment in hometown date history. JoJo’s mom got so overwhelmed by the bickering that she started drinking champagne straight from the bottle like a rapper at his first release party. She is the icon of an age. If Chris Harrison doesn’t come out drinking champagne straight from the bottle at the Women Tell All I’ll riot. (By riot I mean tweet furiously from the comfort of my home. Slacktivism is my jam.)
Ben left JoJo’s hometown date on an awkward note. Made only more awkward when her mom stared at them from the glass door as they walked away. Ben seemed shaken up by the well-deserved round of questioning, but JoJo looked like she was going to lose it as soon as he drove off. I wish I could have heard the berating JoJo gave her siblings when she walked back in after kissing Ben goodbye. I bet it went something like, “you guys are going to ruin my chance at being the Bachelorette!”
My reaction.
Then there were three
I hope Ben slept on the plane, because there’s no rest for the Bachelor one week before fantasy suites. The four women greeted each other with surprising warmth back at the mansion while Ben fidgeted with the roses with an obvious lack of confidence. Maybe he should have asked JoJo’s mom for a swig off that bottle. The first rose went to Lauren (obviously) and really, everyone else should have walked out right then BECAUSE HE LOVES HER, but instead he kept handing out roses to Caila next and, finally, JoJo. Meaning that single mom Amanda was going home. Amanda was not pleased that he didn’t just let her stay home after her hometown date instead of driving all the way back to the Bachelor mansion, because doesn’t he know how bad traffic gets on the 405?! Enjoy your adorable daughters and the boost to your IMDb page, Amanda.
My reaction.
Fantasy Suite Time
Next week Ben will have an overnight date with all three of the remaining ladies in Jamaica. Let’s hope he handles them better than he handled the hometowns because that was painful. I’ve read a few articles about the upcoming dates and I don’t think it’s an episode you are going to want to miss. It’s definitely an episode I won’t miss because I have a sick obsession with this most glorious of shows.
If the trailers aren’t fooling us, Ben is going to tell two of the women that he’s in love with them. That should make things nice and miserable when he breaks up with whichever one isn’t Lauren, because he is definitely picking her. Right? Right?!
My reaction.
My Top Picks (No spoilers)
Winner Lauren B. and Caila
I’m standing firm in my belief that Lauren is going to win this thing, so I’ve been working on who I think will be The Bachelorette. As much as I think he prefers JoJo over Caila, I think Caila is just too young to be the Bachelorette. So, I think Lauren and Caila will be in the final two with JoJo leaving us after the fantasy suites. That way she’ll have time to properly mourn before she hops back into the polyamorous pool. That or they’ll pick someone random like Amanda or Becca to be the Bachelorette. In which case I’ll pretend to be upset, but really, who cares? They’re all just a swarm of beautiful Caucasian blondes at the end of the day.
Who do you think Ben is going to confess his love to next week? Where do you think Caila’s dad buys his pants? Can I get JoJo’s brother Ben’s phone number? Asking for a friend. Tell me in the comments!
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*all images courtesy of ABC unless otherwise sourced
