I deftly avoided the birds and the bees conversation with my five year-old by saying the monkeys were “just hugging” (technically not a lie, there was an embrace involved) and distracting her with their antics. The baboons were vying for attention, pushing and shoving for dominance, grooming each other’s hair and only eating grass. Hold up, am I at the zoo or watching the most recent episode of The Bachelor? If they installed an open bar near the hammocks they’d be indistinguishable from one another. Someone call PETA.
Here are my favorite moments from episode 6 of with The Bachelor gif reactions.
The Show must go on…and on
Since I’m sure you’ve all be waiting on tenterhooks, you’ll remember that last week’s episode ended with a cliffhanger when Ben interrupted the cocktail party to ask Olivia why everyone hates her so much. I may be paraphrasing. This week picked right up with Ben telling Olivia that the other women had wasted used their one-on-one time with him to complain about her. Because nothing says romance like making your quasi-boyfriend listen to you complain about other women. Don’t you know you’re supposed to save that for when you’ve been married 10 years and there’s drama in the parking lot at your kid’s school? It’s a double yellow line, Sharon!
Olivia explained to Ben that the other women were just intimidated by her intelligence and were mean-girling her for preferring to read in her room rather than paint her nails. Surely it doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that she talks about herself like she’s writing a LinkedIn bio. Ben handled the conversation with the advanced emotional aptitude that I’m beginning to expect from him and (of course) let her keep her rose. Enter sad trombone music here.
My reaction.
On the Road again
After the producers were done manipulating our feelings by dangling Olivia’s exit over us only to yank it away, the rose ceremony continued as planned resulting in Jennifer going home. Jennifer complained in her exit interview that Ben never got to know her to which I say, “wait, Jennifer who?”
Who cares, because the remaining 9 women and Ben were headed to the Bahamas! Becca could hardly express contain her excitement as she droned exclaimed in her monotone ebullient voice that she’s never been anywhere so beautiful. What, Becca? Visiting exotic South Dakota wasn’t enough for you during Chris’ season? JK, I’m excited Chris Harrison is finally off the no-fly list so that this show can get back to its traveling roots. (I made that up. Don’t sue me, Chris. I’m poor.)
My reaction.
red flag straight ahead
The first date card in the Bahamas caused some controversy when it arrived for Caila. Basically the general consensus was that Caila already had a romantic date with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube at a hot tub store, so she should just sit her tiny butt down and wait her turn. Leah, the blonde (shocking, I know) football hiker from night one still hasn’t had a one-on-one date so she went through a mini existential crisis in the bathroom. Why doesn’t he like me? Why am I here? What is the meaning of life? If a girl cries in a bathroom over her fake boyfriend and there’s no camera there to record it, does it make a sound?
While Leah stewed in her own tears, Caila and Ben left for one of his favorite activities, deep sea fishing. I don’t know if it’s actually his favorite activity or if he just liked seeing her perfect Barbie doll body in that fishing pole belt contraption thing, but either way, no thanks. He made her kiss the fish they caught and I almost gagged. Then they went to dinner and I almost gagged again watching Caila campaign for Bachelorette explain her feelings for Ben.
If you were fortunate enough to forget, Caila broke up with her last long term boyfriend because she found Ben attractive during The Bachelorette. This is not the sign of a stable human being. If I ended my relationships when I notice an attractive person on TV, my marriage would be in trouble every time Chris Hemsworth has a movie to promote.
Ben wasn’t too worried about her dating history but he was concerned that she was too smiley and not being real with him. She took offense to this because she felt like he was forcing her to be falsely vulnerable. I was feeling the sisterhood in solidarity with her surprising backbone and then she had to go and ruin it by speaking. Caila said that she’s in love with him, but thinks she isn’t actually capable of true love so she’s scared she’ll end up hurting him. Ben looked just as confused as that sentence just made you. They kept delving deeper (again with the emotional aptitude, Mr. Higgins) until Ben chose to believe the first part of her sentence (she is falling for him) and ignore the rest of the red flags, ultimately giving her the date rose.
My reaction.
This little piggy went to the market
The next day Ben had a horrifying group date with Becca, JoJo, Lauren H., Lauren B., Leah and Amanda. This date, guys. THIS DATE. One day you are a cute blonde who gets convinced to sign up for The Bachelor. The next you’re in your bikini with 5 other women, sharing a boyfriend, and feeding hot dogs to swimming hogs. I can’t.
I like to imagine the planning meeting in the writing room went something like, “We could let them have a beach day.” “Okay, but let’s make sure the beach is infested with barnyard swine and that the women are holding buckets of animal byproduct.” This date was a big bag of nope for me. Disappointingly but not unexpectedly, there was nary a Muslim or Orthodox Jew in the group so they all jumped into the water only to be attacked by huge, grunting pigs. A few of them pretended to like it and okay, the piglets were cute, but for the most part this outing was just shots of women screaming as they ran away from pigs. It was like a dive bar at last call when the lights come on.
My reaction.
Liar, Liar
To be honest, the group date wasn’t going well. First there was, you know, swimming with pigs, then Ben was obviously hitting it off with Lauren B. which made the other women uncomfortable and, in the case of Leah, extremely jealous. There was a general awkwardness about the whole night, but most of the women were able to brush it off at the after party to let Ben know that they are only jealous because they care about him. How transcendent.
Not Leah though. No, no, Leah was feeling really nervous about her place in Ben’s heart so she did the only sensible thing; she threw Lauren B. under the bus. Girl power! Rather than use her time to reconnect with Ben she used it to talk bad about Lauren B. in an attempt to poison Ben against her and therefore get her rose. This is Machiavellian level ish, people. Her downfall was that Lauren B. is very clearly one of Ben’s front runners and he’s a grown up who knows how to have adult conversations. He told Lauren what was said which devastated her. She immediately pulled her hair into a top knot like every upset girlfriend knows to do when stuff is about to get real.
Lauren was baffled by the mystery betrayer but Leah doubled down and insisted she didn’t say a word. Liar, liar, booty shorts on fire. The date fizzled from there with Amanda receiving the date rose, but the night wasn’t over because Leah snuck out to visit Ben in his hotel room. Did she want to smooth things over? Maybe reconnect with her boyfriend? Nope, she wanted to talk some more about Lauren B. Ben wasn’t having it so Leah was sent home. Thus confirming that you never interrupt a man who is lounging watching TV on the couch unless it’s for food, to make-out, or if the kids need a bath and it’s his night to do the honors.
My reaction.
Two for one is no fun
Hurricane force winds were blowing in the Bahamas so obviously it was time for a two-on-one date that involved a boat ride on choppy ocean waters and a picnic on a deserted island that looked like it was about to be swallowed The Perfect Storm style (sigh, remember when George Clooney still made okay-ish movies). This time the remaining twin Emily and the infamous Olivia were going head-to-head. Olivia was very confident going into the date. As you’ll remember she received the first impression rose in episode one and has since considered Ben “her husband.” I’d like to say that she’s a perfectly pleasant person when she’s not talking about her cankles or vast intellect but according to the other women, not so much. Her biggest critic is, naturally, Emily who turns into an angry little hobbit, spitting venom when Olivia’s name comes up. I don’t actually think hobbits spit venom, but you get my point. She hates her.
So there we were, a stormy sky, hair whipping in the wind, Emily waiting forlornly to the side when Olivia gave us the most perfect 15 minutes of Bachelor television. First she started with a list of her positive attributes. I’m sure it was edited for our benefit which I appreciate greatly, but she seemed to hardly take a breath as she extolled her virtues. She is (according to herself) grounded, strong, confident, and humble. She even told Ben that she is in love with him. But the most important pronouncement she made was that “deep intellectual things are my jam.” That quote is going to kill in her Tinder profile.
Ben also spoke to Emily but it was forgettable since she forgot a hair tie and all I could stare at was the Cousin It hair in her face. Finally, it was time for the moment of truth. Ben picked up the rose and asked Olivia to go for a walk. What?! Was he going to save her? Olivia and Emily certainly thought so with their conflicting reactions, but surprise surprise, BEN FINALLY SENT OLIVIA HOME. Scratch that, Ben and Emily left holding hands on their speed boat while Olivia stood on an empty island by herself with only a monokini to keep her warm in the gale force winds.
My reaction.
Skip the Cocktails
The remaining women were predictably excited to see Olivia’s suitcase be carted away. I personally think she fell victim to her own comfort on camera as a news anchor and blind trust in an editing process that does not love you back. Fingers crossed she’ll have better luck on Bachelor In Paradise. Or not. I’ll thoroughly enjoy watching either way.
Ben cancelled the cocktail party because he already knew what he was going to do. Sure enough the Chris Martin of the group (nice, but superfluous) Lauren H., was sent home. Predictably, she cried in the limo. Unpredictably, she turned her entire face upside down in the strangest ugly cry face. It was as impressive as it was baffling and reminded me to never, ever record myself crying. Some things just aren’t meant to be seen.
My reaction.
See you next week
The scenes from the coming weeks were literally just people crying and then Ben playing with a really cute little girl. With only 6 women remaining it’s almost time for hometown dates so hopefully someone’s dad has a terrifying taxidermy display in their basement like that one guy from a few seasons ago. Oh and there’s going to be a Valentine’s Day special celebrating 20 seasons of The Bachelor with a surprise wedding.
*cough* Tanner and Jade *cough*
My reaction.
My Top Picks (No spoilers)
Lauren B., Becca, JoJo
Despite Ben giving her the last rose of the night and his niggling misgivings about her since Leah threw her under the bus, I still think Lauren B. is the clear front runner. I’m a little wishy washy on whether or Caila or JoJo make the top three, but in the end I think he has a type and Caila isn’t it.
Who are your top picks? Do you think Caila is in the running for Bachelorette? Who will make it to the hometown dates? Tell me in the comments.
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*all images are courtesy of ABC unless otherwise sourced
