. . . because after 14 long years of my crazy going unacknowledged The X-Files is back on TV!!!
And there is soooooo much to talk about: Abductions! Conspiracy theorists! Alien technology! Frosty Skulder relations! This episode set the stage for what’s to come, and answered some burning fandom questions. For starters:
Will they use the original opening credits?
Yes!!!! Total chills when that started up – and the original badges? PERFECTION.
What have the aliens been up to since 2002?
Just because the X-Files are shut down, doesn’t mean aliens are just going to sit on their alien equivalents of asses, content to surf the net for the alien equivalent of hilarious cat videos. Muck-raking cable personality Tad O’Malley has the low-down on what the nefarious deeds of the brothers from space, and tracks down the only people who can help expose their plots: Mulder and Scully. Despite misgivings, the pair agree to meet with O’Malley, only to have their misgivings return with a vengeance when he explains why he can’t speak out in public:
Okaaaaay.
But instead of backing away slowly out of range of his crazy, Mulder and Scully (mostly Mulder) are intrigued, and are introduced to O’Malley’s smoking gun: Sveta. Sveta claims to be a multiple abductee whose fetuses have been repeatedly stolen from her. Not only that, but she claims to have alien DNA. Mulder and O’Malley are all aboard the Sveta-train, bound for conspiracyville. Toot! Toot! Scully, however, is not buying her tale, and has made fixing Sveta with her patented “death glare” her top #lifegoal.
Somewhat unwisely, Mulder sends Sveta off alone with Scully in order to test for alien DNA, while O’Malley takes Mulder to a top-secret lab where scientists have created a vehicle based on alien technology.
The researchers confirm the craft’s power source as free energy – energy that draws from the universal electromagnetic field that surrounds us. The craft also features a gravity warp drive made possible by Element 150 – Unampentium recovered from the Roswell crash site.
Can’t argue with that
Mulder surmises that Big Oil is behind the suppression of a power source run off of universal energy, but I suspect it was kept quiet in order to avoid self-congratulating hippies yet another opportunity to slap a pretentious bumper sticker on their alternative-energy vehicle.*
#soBerkeley
What’s the latest in tin-foil hat fashions?
Ah, 1993 – at the start of the original X-Files series the Berlin Wall had fallen, the Soviet Empire had collapsed and basically the biggest dangers we faced were fade-related razor burns or some sort of flannel rash. Compared to that the threat of an alien invasion was gnarly, dude! (Another scary thing about the 90s: we said “gnarly”)
Flash forward to 2016: lone, untraceable terrorists, dirty bombs, mass starvation from bee colony collapse, impending economic and environmental meltdowns, 10 seasons of Real Housewives – everything is so f*cking terrifying that an alien invasion may actually be our only source of hope! And thanks to Sveta’s revelation that men take her babies, not aliens, Mulder has put his finger on what we should really be scared of: people.
dun dun dunnnnnnh!
The Mulder/O’Malley braintrust postulates that a consortium of powerful men, governments and corporations are employing weather wars, government surveillance, police militarization, the corporate takeover of food and pharma to make us complacent, docile, fat** and sick to pave the way for a take over America. And after America THEN THE WORLD. And they are utilizing alien technology to ensure their total domination!
OMG – this makes perfect sense!! Everything is completely clear now, and even Scully must see the wisdom of their logic – right?
No she cannot, and makes it clear that Mulder’s plan to announce this conspiracy on O’Malley’s show is not only irresponsible, but treasonous. Undaunted, Mulder seeks some external validation of his theory in the form of a mysterious informant I have nick-named “Captain Unhelpful.”
Captain Unhelpful reacts to all of Mulder’s revelations with ennui bordering on disdain, telling Mulder to come to him when he’s figured out all the things that Cap’n U already knows (and could just tell him right now).
Seriously
How will the world react to news of this conspiracy? Tune in below!
But first:
OTP Status?
We can’t possibly talk about the show without a shipping update! Last time we checked-in with Skulder at the end of I Want to Believe they were all kissy-faced at each other, thusly:
As they are the “one true pairing,” the first glimpse of them together is sure to be a joyous, smexy-filled reunion! I can’t wait! Let’s watch:
Ooooooh, BRRRRRRRR!
So there was no “happily ever after” for Mulder and Scully. And the fact that Mulder bitterly twists everything Scully says into a scathing dis seems to indicate a one-sided break up.
During a very tense interaction, Svetta reveals (through mind reading!) that Scully diagnosed Mulder with depression, which led to the end of their relationship. I’m betting that life with Mulder was not a naked frolic of happy-happy-joy-joy, forcing Scully to move on or risk drowning in crazy. To make things worse, Scully agrees to go on a date with Blustery O’Crazypants (aka Tad O’Malley)! Not that I’m judging,
Fine. I’m judging.
Fortunately for the OTP, Scully gets booty hurt when she finds Sveta at Mulder’s. Maybe she’s not as over the break-up as she seems.
No, Mulder, everything is the opposite of okay here – got it? Do you see her face? NOT OKAY. Clearly Scully hasn’t completely shut down the Mulder-feels, which gives me hope!
What’s the future of X-Files?
Scully’s predictions of mass panic resulting from exposing Mulder’s latest conspiracy theory over the airwaves was not put to the test. In surprise turn, Sveta publicly retracts her story, and the research lab and alien craft are destroyed. The Tad O’Malley show goes dark, presumably silenced by the shadow men behind the conspiracy. Scully’s discovery that both she and Sveta have alien DNA fuels her bloodlust for making the bastards pay for what they have done for her, and she agrees to team up with Mulder to take them down.
Squeeeeeeee!
You better watch out consortium of bad dudes – Mulder and Scully are back on the case! Which brings us to the last question:
Are there any fossilized geezers who could thwart Mulder’s and Scully’s plans?
In a word: yes.
Duuuuuuuuuude! Isn’t this guy dead yet? I mean, c’mon!!! Cancer Man/Cigarette Smoking Man is still pulling strings behind the scenes, which promises to cause all manner of mayhem
So there you have it. As usual this show left us with more questions than it answered: What is the purpose of the world domination? Are we all going into the Matrix? What do they do with the alien/human fetuses? Are they creating super-soldiers, or the world’s most bankable boy band? Are Mulder and Scully going to be reunited with William? At what point will CSG just pump smoke directly into his lungs?
The X-Files will air Mondays at 8p/7c on FOX. A new episode airs TONIGHT (1/25)!
Catch all of our X-Files Coverage here.
All The X-Files images are courtesy of FOX.
* In the interest of full disclosure, I am one of those hippies.
** Second disclosure: I may have inadvertently furthered this agenda as part of my youthful employment dressing up as Twinkie the Kid and attending grocery store opens. Sorry for my part in the whole world domination thing.
