But then all kinds of things conspired to thwart your plans: The X-Files expired on Netflix (boo!) and you were too lazy to subscribe to Hulu, you embarked on an epic quest to acquire the most perfectly distressed, vintage Star Wars tee to wear to the 12/18 midnight showing of The Force Awakens, and somehow you also accidentally watched the entire season of Bachelor in Paradise instead.
(In your defense, this interaction from The Bachelor may have misled you into thinking BiP was relevant)
Now you’re screwed. The show premieres on Sunday, and you can’t remember the difference between the Smoking Man and The Well-Manicured Man, or whether the black oil causes cancer or just a wicked case of scabies, and the only way to watch every last episode in time is to watch 52 episodes a day – which is completely impossible because a) you are employed and/or b) you have a family and/or c) the new season of The Bachelor just started. Face it: you are screwed.
You have come to the right place, my friends. I have combined my obsession with every last drip of information concerning the plot of the premiere with my magical powers of pulling shit off at the very last possible minute in order to curate a preparation list consisting of a mere 6 essential episodes to bring you up to speed!
The premiere episode – “My Struggle” – is a heavy mythology episode, plugging into multiple conspiracy threads from the original series, so I suggest you watch:
The Pilot (S1)
Why? Because 1993 was a long effing time ago
Plot: Fox Mulder’s perfectly blissful existence of tossing pencils up into ceiling tiles and falling down his rabbit hole of conspiracy crazy is interrupted by the arrival of a new partner, Dana Scully. Mulder recognizes the staffing move for what it is, a way for the FBI to discredit his work, and kicks of the relationship with a healthy dose of professional shade.
The duo sets off to investigate the mysterious death of a young woman in Washington state, where Mulder and Scully experience a cornucopia of rare alien-related phenomenon, including: power losses, unexplained airplane turbulence, lost time and the most rare of all: Mulder and Scully giggling like loons.
My God! Y’all are adorable!
Importance: With this episode begins 9 years of Mulder’s out-there theories causing Scully to do this:
and this:
and a little bit of this:
and, or course, a shit-ton of this:
It’s not easy being Scully.
Duane Barry/Ascension (S2)
Why? Because Scully gets abducted, yo!!!
Plot: We meet Duane Berry in a psychiatric ward, where he is spinning tales of alien abduction that no one believes.
‘Cuz he doesn’t like that.
Duane escapes from the mental hospital, and takes himself some hostages in the hopes of negotiating a trade with the aliens. Mulder is called in to negotiate, and he is instantly drawn into Duane’s story. Things go awry, and Duane Barry ultimately makes a successful trade: he kidnaps Scully to offer her in his place. Special Agent Alex Krycek shows up to help Mulder in his quest to recover Scully, but doubt is cast on his allegiances after “Smoking Man” brand cigarette butts are found in his office.
Importance: Many would point to Scully’s abduction as the critical moment in this epi, but I submit that it was the speedo scene for its role in launching a thousand Mulcek ships.
Caution: That pool is not heated.
Jose Chung is from outer space (S3)
Why? Because it is the bestest.
Plot: Jose Chung (played by the amazing Charles Nelson Reilley) attempts to unravel the events surrounding the “abduction” of two high school students. The events of that night are revealed through interviews with the victims, witnesses and Mulder and Scully, and it is a totally hilarious mish-mash of every alien conspiracy myth that highlights just how difficult it is to find “the truth.”
Why, yes. Yes, he did. (insert Scully eye-roll here)
Watch for some of the world’s greatest cameos by Luke Wilson, Tony Hale (Arrested Development), Jesse Ventura and a very special Man in Black.
Told you he believed it.
Importance: As I said, the premiere episode is heavy on the mythology, and, as such, is light on its trademark brand of humor.”Jose Chung” hits all the high points regarding myths of alien conspiracy, and is also a great reminder of how freaking hilarious the show can be!
Memento Mori (S4)
Why? Because all the feeeeeeelings.
Plot: Scully is dying! She’s DYING!!! Mulder suspects her illness is related to procedures she received during her alien abduction, and he is following every lead and calling in every favor in order to get his hands on the cure. Meanwhile, Scully is writing a diary letter to Mulder so he can posthumously read about her hopes, dreams and feels . . . because she loooooooves him!
See?
Importance: The epi explores the aftermath of the abductions, hinting at the nefarious nature of the “alien” treatments. Also: all of the feeeeeeelings!!!!!!
William (S9)
Why? Because Skulder sex makes magic.
Plot: The collision of Mulder and Scully’s genetic material (which is basically, exactly how I would imagine Scully describing having sex with Mulder) produced an unsurprisingly miraculous baby in the form of William.
But the increased incidence of object levitation in William’s presence suggests he takes less after his parents than he does after Tabitha from Bewitched. Unfortunately, his uniqueness has not gone unnoticed, and soon a badly disfigured man shows up to deliver the news that William is part alien, and is, of course, in great danger as a result. But who is this stranger? Could it be Mulder (who has been AWOL for a season or two), or someone more dangerous? In the end, Scully is forced to make a heartbreaking choice in order to keep her son safe.
Importance: Alien babies are set to play an important role in the mythology going forward, resulting in “Blork” winning the title of 201g’s most popular baby name.
Extra Credit
If you finish this list, and are looking for a little more (which you won’t because you are a dirty-dog of a procrastinator, and will be starting this six hour list approximately six four hours before the premiere’s airtime) watch 1998’s Fight the Future (DVD.com). Not only is it a perfect blend of conspiracy, action, sexy and scary, but also Scully’s wardrobe is on point!
Congratulations!! You are now prepared to fully enjoy all of the X-Files awesome that is heading your way!
