Being cooped up in the house with my three cabin fevered kids has given me a new appreciation for the women of The Bachelor. Can you imagine living in a home with 18 other women devoid of televisions, magazines, internet or cellphones with only a never ending supply of Jose Cuervo to keep you entertained? They must remove all sharp objects like they’re searching for shanks in a prison yard or I’m positive we would have seen a murder by now. Maybe they’d finally get their Emmy then.
Here are my favorite moments from episode 3 with gif reactions.
Hot Tub of Shame
Chris Harrison made his contractually obligated appearance at the beginning of this episode to hand deliver the first date card of the week to Lauren B. He spoke for all of us when he told the remaining 18 women that he knows “things are going to get intense and emotional, but that’s why we are here.” I have no idea how he managed to say it without rubbing his hands together maniacally.
Lauren B. (the sweet 25 year-old flight attendant who has consistently been one of my top picks) and Ben’s first date stop was a bi-plane ride which she pretended to be nervous about. Really, she played the nervous flier card? She’s a flight attendant. It’s more believable that she was afraid of the inevitable hat hair from that ridiculous flight helmet they made them wear.
They exchanged a few awkward kisses with the flight mic firmly wedged between them and then arrived at their final destination where the most bachelor-y thing to ever happen on The Bachelor happened. There was a hot tub sitting in the middle of an empty field. Allow me to repeat myself for emphasis. They flew to the middle of nowhere to soak in hot tub sitting in an empty field at what appeared to be noon on a Tuesday. In what world is that romantic and can you promise I never have to live in it? Ladies, if a man takes you to a hot tub in the middle of nowhere in real life, he is going to murder you.
The hot tub of shame worked for Lauren B. and Ben since she got the date rose and the requisite slow dance in a barn to the sweet tunes of the famous band, Lucy Angel. Who? Exactly.
My Reaction.
Soccer Matchmaker
Chris Harrison is a well-known soccer supporter so, since they just do whatever the heck they want on this show, the group date was a soccer match captained by Team USA’s World Cup Champions Alex Morgan and Kelley O’Hara. If I were one of the women on this date I would have taken one look at Alex and Kelley and been like, “peace, I have no chance here.” Happily for us, these women have no shame so they split into two teams. The winning team would get get to go to the after party with Ben while the losers went home early.
This was all expectedly boring with the exception of watching Ben lose his ever loving mind on the sidelines cheering every time Emily (or Thing 1 of the twins as I just decided to call her) blocked a shot on goal. I’m just going to say it guys, Ben may not be the most dramatic or scandalous Bachelor, but he is such a good guy that he may just be the best Bachelor ever. He is genuine, kind, has a good sense of humor, great smile and (according to the text messages I received from TN writer Tiffany during the show) has a dad bod worthy of a “mega crush.” He’s the best. On the other hand, the girls on this date? Not so impressive.
After lobbing enough “that’s what she said” jokes to make Michael Scott giddy (i.e. “Balls flying at your face is never fun.”) Ben and the winning team (Olivia, Amber, Haley Thing 2, Lace, Leah, and Jami) went to the after party. Olivia immediately stole Ben away, making the other women angry enough to talk bad about her ugly toes. Yes, you read that right. Her ugly toes. Somehow Amber, who perpetually has humid hair, got the date rose and I tried to keep watching through my bored yawns.
My reaction.
Jubilation over Jubilee
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Jubilee received the next one-on-one date even though she was positive she wasn’t Ben’s type (i.e. not blonde, white, or heavily medicated). Jubilee started this date out really awkwardly by making sarcastic remarks about Ben’s tardiness and asking if anyone else wanted her date once she saw the helicopter they had to ride in. I personally can’t relate to using sarcasm as a defense mechanism AT ALL, but I’ve heard it’s a thing. Apparently the women have zero sense of humor because they turned on Jubilee so fast it would make your head spin. One little comment about the helicopter and she became public enemy number one.
While they stewed over her “disrespect” as if Ben built the helicopter with his own two hands, Jubilee and Ben were having a nice date. Sure, Jubilee spit out caviar into a napkin and made awkward innuendos about Ben not being “that white” *wink* but it was working for her. Ben likes her brash sense of humor and the way she speaks her mind. They had an emotional conversation over dinner during which she opened up to him about being adopted from Haiti after her whole family died. He handled this information with compassion and it seemed to lead to a deeper connection. She got the date rose and put me firmly on #TeamJubilee.
My reaction.
Olivia the great
With all of the dates wrapped up it was time for the cocktail party and rose ceremony. Things got off to a rocky start when Ben announced that two of his family friends had died that morning in a plane crash. Obviously he was upset and hoping for a drama-free evening as he mourned their loss. Well, you picked the wrong house for that, buddy.
Olivia grabbed Ben first, as she does, and immediately opened her rather sizable mouth to launch into a pity party. Her eyes welled up with tears as she cried over the “scariest thing ever.” No, no, not dying in a plane crash like his friends did THAT MORNING. She was upset that people online make fun of her cankles. Listen, I hate hearing that she has body insecurities, but there’s a time and a place and this was not it.
My reaction.
Ben the defender
While I was busy googling pictures of Olivia’s lower appendages, the other women were busy attacking Jubilee. I know that Jubilee has a different personality that might not jibe well with the other stepford wives or, ultimately, with Ben but I couldn’t help but think that she is just too “other.” She is dark skinned, tattooed, a war veteran and has a dry sense of humor that rubs some people the wrong way. Sure, she pulled their love interest to the side for relaxing massage (his “favorite thing ever”) but that doesn’t mean they get to judge her or treat her poorly. Save the judgment for when you’re writing a post about someone crying over their cankles, like me. Ben agreed with me (as all intelligent beings do) and shut the drama down by defending her strong personality in a way that had me both slow clapping and fanning myself. Best Bachelor ever.
My reaction.
Don’t you quit on me
Ben was finally sitting down to relax on the couch between Thing 1 and Thing 2 when Lace asked if she could speak to him. You could visibly see his face drop as he stood up to see what drama she had up her sleeve. Surprisingly she was quitting the show. In the end Lace felt she needed to work on loving herself before she could love someone else. At least that’s what she said. The subtext was that Lace needed to stop loving white wine spritzers before she could trust herself to be on a national televised reality dating show.
I was applauding Lace’s commitment to better herself. Her decision to leave redeemed her edit on the show and I was genuinely enjoying the arch of her character development. Then she had to go and appear on the live after show where Chris Harrison simultaneously lauded her decision to slow down the drinking and invited her to the open bar that is Bachelor in Paradise. I’m going to shake my head all the way to my DVR to set the recording.
My reaction.
Future Cat Ladies of America
With Lace eliminating herself, Ben had 15 roses to hand out among the 17 women. In a real nail-biter he saved Olivia for last but she was okay with it because he “squeezed her hip” which she interpreted to mean he loves her for all eternity. Good luck with that, sweetheart, I heard he has a thing for toes. Yes, I just made that up.
In the end Shushanna and Jami were sent home causing Jami to lament that it’s probably time for her to start buying cats. Sure, because not winning a dating show pitting yourself against 28 other women when you’re 23 means you’re doomed to a life of solitude.
My reaction.
Next Week
Next week they’re taking the show on the road to Las Vegas. I’m sure we’ll get the cliche fake wedding, but what I’m most looking forward to from preview is Olivia having a panic attack while wearing what looks like a sequined sexy devil costume.
My reaction.
Top picks
Clockwise from top left: Lauren B., Amanda, JoJo, Becca
Honestly, with the exception of Jubilee (who I love but has no chance of winning this thing) I’m feeling pretty underwhelmed by this crop of women. I’m going to follow my gut and go with the fake blondes again, but this week I’m replacing Caila with Isla Fisher lookalike, JoJo, because Caila cried over Ben this episode and it annoyed me.
Who are your top picks? Do you love Ben as much as I do? Did you manage to find a picture of Olivia’s cankles? Tell me in the comments!
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*All images are courtesy of ABC unless otherwise sourced.
