The Bachelor‘s 20th season premiered Monday night with the introduction of our new TV boyfriend Ben Higgins. You’ll remember Ben as the third place finisher in the Shawn/Nick V. showdown Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette. Back then Ben was known as Ben H. the 26 year-old software salesman from Denver with an affinity for cable knit sweaters and an affably confused look on his face. These days he has moved up in the world, dropping that last initial and simultaneously dating 28 women. Aw, our baby is all grown up. Maybe next week the Peter Brady lookalike will sing “Time to Change” while his voice deepens.
There are few things I enjoy more in this world than sitting in the comfort of my home pretending to care abut true love while mercilessly mocking the contestants on this show, but I know not everyone has an extra 2-3 hours a week to donate to such a riveting extracurricular activity. It’s for all of you that I selflessly slog through the cringe inducing introductions and bejeweled gowns. You’re welcome. Do you think I can get a tax write off for my generous contribution to society?
Here are my favorite moments from the premiere episode of The Bachelor with gif reactions.
Nice Guys Get their own tv show
This episode began with an introduction to Ben’s hometown of Warsaw, Indiana. Warsaw appears to be an idyllic place to grow up where grown men play basketball against the side of a red barn and then attend their old high school’s homecoming. I don’t know about all of you, but where I come from 26 year-old men who attend high school homecomings with a video camera aren’t usually greeted with such enthusiasm. This is usually the part of the show when the bachelor stares out of a window (without his shirt on) or exercises (without his shirt on) or does any number of other innocuous tasks like getting the mail or paying bills (without his shirt on). But Ben is a new breed of Bachelor. As in homeboy is adorable, but the only six pack we’ll be seeing is when one of the girls pretends to like beer while on a date in an empty baseball stadium.
Since Ben’s physique was unable to fill the requisite 10 minutes of screen time, we were introduced to his parents instead. That’s a trade off you don’t make everyday. His parents are adorable and sugary sweet just like he is. I almost feel bad about the inevitable jokes I’m going to make when they meet his two remaining girlfriends in a few weeks. Just kidding, the only thing I feel bad about is that their son is on this show.
I kind of adore Ben. He’s the type of guy you want to introduce to your single friends or stalk on social media for “research”. Throughout the first night of introductions he was polite and kind to each of the women and appeared to stay true to himself which I appreciate. People who watch this show hoping for a happily ever after will be thrilled with him and his “aw shucks” demeanor. Those who watch for drama and scandal (enter hand raising emoji here) may be disappointed, but I have faith in the producers to make it rain with the tears of the soon to be booted.
Have to give you props
At some point in the last 20 seasons it has become a common occurrence for contestants to bring props with them when they meet the bachelor for the first time. Monday’s episode featured more props than you could find backstage at a production of Les Miserable. All 28 of the women introduced this episode are beautiful, most of them are accomplished, and at least half of them have a sense of humor. The other half brought props.
Jo Jo, a 24 year-old Real Estate Developer/Isla Fisher lookalike, wore a unicorn mask over her head for her introduction because she thinks she’s Ben’s unicorn. This was supposedly a statement about being the special person he’s been searching for, but rumor has it that she’s also a furry. (I started the rumor.)
Izzy, a 24 year-old graphic designer, wore onesie pajamas the entire cocktail party, because she’s “the onesie” for Ben, making her the first contestant to be sent home dressed like a toddler at bedtime.
Mandi, a 28 year-old dentist, not only gave Ben an oral exam, but also wore a giant paper mache rose on her head like a drag queen Kate Middleton impersonator. (If that’s not a thing it should be). She invited Ben to “pollinate” her later and there’s absolutely no way to make that sound less filthy.
Jackie, the 23 year-old Gerontologist (not a made up job, I googled) gave Ben a save-the-date card for their inevitable wedding complete with a #tohigginsandtohold hashtag that she read aloud along with Ben like a Hooked on Phonics commercial. Nothing says “I’ll watch you while you sleep” like bringing the precursor to a wedding invitation on a blind date.
Breanne, a 30 year-old Nutritional Therapist, brought a basket of baguettes that she proceeded to bash into pieces on the ground because “gluten is Satan”. While I cried a single tear over the senseless loss of carbs, Ben sent her home. Well done, Ben, you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Maegan, a 30 year-old Cowgirl from Texas brought a mini-horse. Yes, an actual miniature horse who stepped on other girls’ gowns and answered to the name Huey. I’m not sure if he’s house trained but at least half of the cast of The Bachelorette wasn’t either so he should fit right in at the mansion.
My reaction.
You again?
While the cocktail party got underway, two familiar faces joined the show looking for a chance at fifteen more minutes of fame true love. Amber and Becca were both participants from Chris Soules’ season but you’ll also recognize Amber from her multiple summer romances on Bachelor in Paradise. I expected Amber to last just long enough to enjoy craft services, but she received a rose so she’ll have the chance to pack a to-go bag next week, because there is a zero percent chance she wins this thing.
Becca on the other hand would be a great pick for Ben if I were setting them up in real life. But this isn’t real life, it’s The Bachelor and she’s just…so…boring. Sure, She’s demure with a beautiful girl next door vibe that Ben is sure to adore. Yes, Ben’s eyes lit up like the Fourth of July when she walked in the room. But really, how many seasons are we going to have to speculate about her virginity? I’m beyond over that storyline and I’m positive that she is as well. I’d rather they talk about her doppelgänger Lisa Marie Presley than hear her have to defend her lifestyle choices for one single second more. Besides, I feel like she and Ben could have just met on christianmingle.com and skipped this show altogether.
My reaction.
Schtick it to me
Much like the phenomenon of bringing props, coming up with a schtick to differentiate one’s self from the crowd has become commonplace on night one. Whether it’s making a dirty joke like Jami who heard Ben has a “really, really big…heart” (enter uncomfortable laugh) or being identical twins like Haley and Emily (I don’t care if that’s biology. It’s a schtick), the contestants go to great lengths to be memorable with mixed results.
On the one hand you have Caila who jumped into Ben’s arms in a surprisingly successful first introduction. On the other hand you have Shushanna who only spoke to Ben in Russian. I didn’t realize that you could speak Russian with a Valley Girl accent but rest assured, you can. Unemployed Rachel rode a hoverboard in her gown which would have only been entertaining if it spontaneously burst into flames like the ones on your Facebook newsfeed. Then there was Leah who proceeded to bend over, hitch her skirt up and shout “Higgi, Higgi, Hike, Hike” before hiking a football between her legs at a flabbergasted Ben. I can’t make this stuff up.
My reaction.
Olivia
One of the main events of night one is finding out who will have a huge target on their back get the first impression rose. This season that honor went to Olivia, the dimpled 23 year-old from Austin. Olivia is gorgeous with blindingly beautiful teeth, but what really pushed her above the fray was her confidence. When you’re swimming in a pool of 28 women clambering for attention it speaks volumes to not clamber. Olivia played it cool and Ben ate it up. He was flattered that she recently quit her job as a News Anchor to audition as the Bachelorette pursue a relationship with him. I was more impressed that she had done her homework and sneakily mentioned that she really likes “being outdoors, traveling and giving back to the community.” You guys, she basically read him his bio as if it were her own and HE BOUGHT IT. Well played. Clearly she’s a front runner since she received the coveted first impression rose, but I sense some crazy behind those baby blues. Don’t let me down, Olivia.
My reaction.
Lace
Speaking of crazy eyes, allow me to introduce you to Lace and no that isn’t her stage name. Like all of the other sister wives, Lace was beautiful in her lace dress (way to fully commit to the name, lady) but just a little bit tipsy from the moment she exited the limo and immediately kissed Ben. Now Ben isn’t going to be the type of Bachelor to kiss every girl on the show (no offense meant to Chris Soules… okay, a little offense meant) so when she kissed him he was taken back but willing to give her a chance. Ben really should learn to trust his first instincts because girlfriend is a stage five clinger. The more white wine she drank the more possessive she became and you know white wine flows like Niagra Falls in that place. This bodes very well for my entertainment. She was the last woman to receive a rose this episode so one would think she’d slow her roll, but no. Lace (I can’t even type that name seriously) interrupted the usual congratulatory toast to chastise Ben for not making eye contact with her while he was busy handing out roses to the other women. What is she, Medusa? Don’t look her in eyes, Ben! You’ll turn into stone before I even have the chance to make my fantasy suite jokes.
My reaction.
Coming up this season on The Bachelor
Honestly, they could show another 3 minute clip of Chris Harrison talking to Huey the mini-horse and I’d still be beyond excited to watch this season of The Bachelor. The preview of this season included exotic locales and lots of romance, but most importantly A GIRL GETS A BLACK EYE! I hope it’s the result of a fantastic accident like one of Mandi the dentist’s breast implants exploding or something, but no matter what it’ll be must-see TV.
My reaction.
Something new I’d like to do this season is make my top picks at the end of each episode. As always, I am a spoiler-free zone so if you tell me who wins in the comments I will give Lace your contact info and tell her you weren’t making eye contact with her. This week my top picks in no particular order are: Lauren B., LB, Becca and Jennifer.
Who are your top picks? Did I miss any of your favorite moments? How great was it that it wasn’t “to be continued? Do you hate me and everything I stand for? Tell me in the comments or troll me on Twitter.
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All images are courtesy of ABC unless otherwise noted
