The final two episodes were all about saying goodbye which made me nostalgic for the good old days when saying goodbye meant awkwardly passing a cumbersome yearbook to your lab partner during 5th period bio for them to sign. Dear Adam, Thanks for dissecting the frog for me. Never change (but maybe grow out the bleached hair). Your friend, Heidi. Just like my old yearbooks I bet the cast of Paradise wish they could hide in my parent’s garage until they finally get kicked out to make room for my mom’s new electric car. Luckily for us, they can’t. Their summer of shame may be over, but the antics saved on my DVR are forever, much like my classmate’s tilted head portraits.
Here are the top moments from the finale of Bachelor in Paradise with my gif reactions.
Stay Sweet!
The best/strangest thing about Bachelor in Paradise is that there’s an arbitrary end date for the relationships. Chris Harrison stands up and essentially says the fun is over and they either have to be in love for all eternity or go home immediately. This confuses me. Did they charter a shuttle bus to the airport and need a group rate? Did the resort refuse to give them late check out? What’s the rush, Harrison? This week, the mounting pressure to find the love of their lives before Jorge the Bartender announced last call meant the end of most people’s time in Paradise.
First to leave was Juelia. Before he told Juelia that he wasn’t feeling a romantic connection, Mikey claimed that he came back to Paradise for her. I’m pretty sure what he meant to say was, “I took a taxi back from the airport so that I could even up my tan lines.” For her part, Juelia could not leave Mexico fast enough to get home to her daughter. She literally ran out of the resort like the ghost of Joe’s text messages were haunting her. I’m not sure why everyone still likes Mikey after he basically used her for an extended stay in Paradise JUST LIKE JOE, but what do I know? I just spent 18 hours of my life watching this ish; no big deal. Stay sweet, Juelia and next time try match.com.
My reaction. (source)
See you next summer!
After Juelia took off, Jared and Ashley I. returned from their fantasy suite to talk some more about her virginity. At this point the status of Ashley’s virginity has been discussed more than Mary’s at a Christmas pageant. I’m really, really over the discussion of her inexperience. In fact, I’m pretty sure every time someone mentions her virginity a feminist loses their voter registration card. Oops, there goes mine. I, thankfully, have no idea what did or didn’t happen on their overnight date but whatever it was wasn’t awesome, because Jared packed his bags and went home. He finally figured out that the only way to break up with Ashley was to leave the country. Ashley was expectedly devastated as she also left Paradise without love. She did, however, admit to watching Jared sleep which is usually behavior reserved for established relationship and serial killers, but I’m not judging. Bye, Ashley, see you and your unending tears on every future season of Bachelor in Paradise forever.
My reaction. (source)
It was great getting to know you!
Next up was the penultimate rose ceremony where more cast members got wiped out than in the first and second Hunger Games movies combined. The odds were not in their favor. Dan chose not to give anyone his rose, but he really missed the opportunity to do a mic drop there at the end which is just sad, because he only has so many 15 minute increments of fame left in him before his lack of personality starts showing. Mikey tried to give his rose away to Mackenzie (Huh? That relationship must be sitting somewhere on the cutting room floor.) but she said no so they both went home. Chelsie, Jaclyn, Ashley S. and Amber left without love as well, leaving five couples (Kirk/Carly, Jade/Tanner, Tenley/Joshua, Justin/Cassandra and Nick/Sam) behind to have fantasy suite dates. In a genius use of foreshadowing, Carly sang a quick song at the end of the rose ceremony to toast the remaining couples on their marginal success as functioning day drinkers. As she sang “a rose is just a rose till he gets down to propose” Kirk looked like he was about to be violently ill and I knew this was going to be good. Goodbye everyone interesting on this show. It was useless great getting to know you.
My reaction. (source)
Never Change!
The next morning all of the remaining couples prepped for their final dates before they had to either profess unending love or face beheading (seriously, the end makes no sense). Much to the shock of Carly, Kirk decided that he doesn’t see a future with her outside of Paradise. Guys, this was the most painful/satisfying 15 minutes of TV from the entire season. My voyeuristic tendencies were fully engaged watching their relationship implode on national television.
Kirk attempted to let her down easy, but Carly was so blindsided that she was nearly hyperventilating trying to pack her things. Kirk was shocked that the break up went as poorly as it did while Carly refused to let him talk anymore about it. She was so devastated that it even made my cold, cynical heart crack for a second. Then I remembered that they’ve been dating for all of 6 weeks and I’ve had pedicures that last longer than that.
Carly didn’t get to leave paradise with love, but she did get to leave with a new bestie, which is better (no it’s not, but she’s sad so we’ll lie to her). Jade was crying for her friend like Kirk had not only broken Carly’s heart, but also ran over her cat and stole her lunch money that one time in third grade. Jade was so upset on her friend’s behalf that I thought she might end things with Tanner in solidarity. She didn’t, because that would be crazy, have you seen how funny he is on Twitter? But she did prove herself to be a loyal friend which may be the true success story of the season. Just kidding, the true success story was getting Tenley to rip her dress off when a bug flew down her top during a confessional. Never change, Bachelor in Paradise, never change.
My reaction. (source)
Stay in touch!
After Kirk and Carly left Paradise, the remaining four couples had their final fantasy suite dates and then met Chris on the beach to determine the trajectory of the rest of their entire lives. This. Is. Serious.
Justin and Cassandra shared the common interest of having kids (there are more single parents on this show than on any given episode of Teen Mom) but since they’ve only known each other for about 24 hours they don’t share the fantasy suite. Shocking, I know. In the end, Cassandra ignored Justin’s horrible wardrobe choices and chose to accept his final rose so they could continue pursuing a relationship outside of Paradise. I only wish I could have seen what Justin’s lips looked like before he did the Kylie Jenner challenge.
My reaction. (source)
Text me!
Try and tell me she’s not grimacing. Just try.
Sam and her cellphone have been the nexus of much of this season’s drama and I can’t be mad at that. Mostly, I just want to know what texting plan she’s on and how she’s avoiding carpal tunnel, because her texting relationships are prolific. I hope her phone has AppleCare, because I have a feeling she needs the extra protection if you know what I mean. Previously she defiled a hot tub with Joe and only last week she shocked the house by giving Dan her rose, but a few days have passed so clearly it’s time for her to be crazy about Nick with whom she also had a previous texting relationship.
Nick confuses me. I’ve seen his instagram page and know that he can be an attractive guy, but he was so NOT on this season of Bachelor in Paradise. Something about the way he leered at Sam reminded me of that guy who hangs out in the parking lot of his high school three years after graduation. Also, he claims to be 30, but I’m pretty sure he means “30” like how I still say I’m “29.” Sam didn’t seem to have the same concern since she not only accepted the fantasy suite, but also accepted the final rose and is reportedly still dating him today. This surprised me since every time he kissed her she cringed harder than she did the first time she saw Joe’s dad bod. In the end I think they may deserve each other. May they find happiness in a friends and family texting plan.
My reaction. (source)
Have a good life!
Joshua and Tenley have been one of the more solid couples in Paradise since the moment she saw his big hands. They overcame his affinity for drug laced coconut cocktails and ugly tattoos to form a surprising connection. Because of that connection Tenley accepted the key to the fantasy suite despite her growing misgivings about their relationship. Sadly for Joshua, that’s all the fantasy he’s going to be getting from Tenley, because she did not accept his final rose and won’t be pursuing a relationship with him outside of Mexico. Tenley cried like it was the last day of summer camp and she forgot to get his AOL instant message handle. Stop fronting, Tenley. You didn’t like him enough to keep dating him after Paradise and that’s okay. Not everyone can marry the person they met on summer vacation like the least attractive oldest Jonas brother did.
My reaction. (source)
XOXO!
You know who did find love on summer vacation? Jade and Tanner. Those two love each other more than I love when it’s my kids’ bedtime. In fact, they love each other so much that Tanner proposed after 6 weeks of dating on a reality TV show and Jade said yes. You know what’s crazy? Despite Tanner sweating so much he looked like he had entered a wet t-shirt contest at Senor Frogs, I think they may actually make it. My only complaint is that they didn’t show Tanner haggling for the engagement ring in a Mexican jewelry store like a cruise ship tourist. Actually, I’m pretty sure that was a diet Neil Lane original. Note to all future contestants: you get a way bigger diamond if you get engaged on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. Congratulations, Jade and Tanner, may your children grow to be so well-adjusted that they never appear on a dating TV show.
My reaction. (source)
See You After Paradise!
As much as I love watching Bachelor in Paradise I won’t miss watching the after show and yes I recognize the irony in a recapper not enjoying a recap show. This week the celebrity guests were comedian Nikki Glaser who tended towards the sincere and current Miss America Kira Kazantsev who couldn’t wear her crown on set so she wore her hair in a giant bun to make up for it. We got some updates on the cast (Cassandra is dating Jonathan!), but most of this week’s episode was dedicated to paralyzing secondhand awkwardness watching Carly and Kirk interact for the first time since their break up. In this situation I think Kirk came out ahead. I completely understand her reaction to the break-up when it was happening, but it has been months. It’s time to move on and act mature about it, not upload songs you’ve written about it to Sound Cloud. Please, please, I’m begging you to go listen to this song. It’s every bit as bad as I could have ever hoped. Carly is the gift that keeps giving.
My reaction. (source)
It’s been real!
Well, the end has come. I’ve written my last recap of the season and I can’t help but reminisce about the good times I’ve had. I’ll never forget exchanging private messages with Jorge the Bartender or when Aaron Carter followed me on Twitter. That’s right, Aaron Carter is a closeted Bachelor in Paradise fan so you have nothing to be ashamed of. Oh and don’t forget that time Astroglide (yes, THAT Astroglide) started retweeting everything I wrote. Sorry, Mom. I’ve so enjoyed talking to all of you about this ridiculous franchise and I’ll be back next January when Ben Higgins returns with his cable knit sweaters. Until then, I’ll leave you with my yearbook message to this mess that we all know and love:
Dear Bachelor in Paradise,
You’re always so much fun! I hope you have a great break and keep ignoring the school dress code. Don’t feel bad that your older siblings The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are more popular than you are. They’ll never be cool enough to have talking animals. I can’t wait to see you again next year. Never change!
Your Best Friend Forever, Heidi
My reaction. (source)
What would your yearbook message be to Bachelor in Paradise? What are you going to do with your free time now that it’s over? Who else do you think is a closeted fan? Tell me in the comments.
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