Here are the top moments from the third and fourth episodes of Bachelor in Paradise with gif reactions.
Joshua skipped D.A.R.E. class
The first of this episode’s new arrivals was Joshua the welder from Idaho who shaved half of his head in a failed attempt to woo bachelorette Kaitlyn on her season. He arrived in Paradise with a hula girl tattoo on his shin and I couldn’t help wondering if it was a real tattoo or if he stopped off at the local henna booth on the beach next to Señor Frogs before his debut. Then he took his shirt off and the hula girl was downright demure compared to what I can only assume was a tattoo of the Declaration of Independence in scroll form on his ribcage. He’s so cultured. Oh wait, maybe not since he thought Tokyo was in China. He has big manly hands though so Tenley didn’t care so much about geography when they danced and made out on the date he chose her for.
The next day Joshua spent some relaxing time in the pool talking about that time he did Molly (aka Ecstasy) at a bachelor party in Vegas on what must have been a sad attempt to recreate the movie Hangover. No one liked his story and Tenley was super disappointed. When even former bachelor rejects aren’t impressed with your party stories, you’re in trouble. Just say no to drugs, kids. Joshua denied being a big party guy because grown adults use rave drugs on the regular, right? Really though, when you meet a man who named his dogs Brewski and Captain (and he’s not currently serving as chapter president of his fraternity) it should be a clue.
My reaction. (source)
Lauren quits to be a mistress
If you remember from last week, Ashley I. the crybaby brought her unknown sister to Paradise with her. Well by the time this episode began Lauren was sick of Paradise and wanted to go home. I know the feeling. She claimed that the reason she wanted to go home was that she missed the man she’s in love with, but no she doesn’t have a boyfriend, because she’s “the mistress.” Huh? Where do they find these people, the Maury Povich rejection line?
Lauren stuck around long enough to meet her crush Joshua, but when he wasn’t interested in her she immediately quit the show. Hilariously she had to laboriously drag her luggage through the sand in what could easily become a new exercise fad in SoCal where even a walk of shame can give you nice calves. Ashley was predictably devastated by her sisters exit, but no one else cared. See ya, Lauren, it’s been totally useless knowing you.
My reaction. (source)
Who has old eggs now?
Last week Tenley barely made the cut when JJ chose to give her his rose. This week Tenley was the one to want with three men vying for her affection. JJ, Joshua and Michael G. (from Desiree’s season) each wanted to be the one she gave the rose to which led to some hilarious confessional commentary from resident metaphor maker JJ. When he said Joshua is a catch like a carp as in, “he was dredging the ocean floor, but yeah, you caught him” I cracked up. Seriously, if he was this funny in his confessionals on The Bachelorette I feel robbed. Someone needs to give him a rose just to keep me laughing. K? Thanks.
Tenley got two dates this week, the aforementioned one with Joshua and a second with lawyer Michael G. whom JJ determined to be a worthy opponent. Michael G. tried all his best lines on their date, even calling Tenley an “elevenly,” while JJ kissed her at every opportunity to keep himself out of the friend zone. In the end, it was Molly aficionado Joshua who gave Tenley butterflies. I no longer wonder why she’s still single.
My reaction. (source)
Joe is a big Schmo
Next down the precarious rock staircase of introduction was Joe the guy from Kaitlyn’s season who has the world’s deepest eyebrow dimple and the voice of Forrest Gump. Not a winning combination in my opinion, but hey, he’s the one on the paid vacation to Mexico while I eat a quesadilla on my couch, so what do I know? The guys from Kaitlyn’s season had really talked up how funny Joe is so the other cast mates were excited to meet him, but sometime between being sent home from Ireland by Kaitlyn and arriving in Mexico, Joe lost his personality and reverted to straight jerk status. He didn’t have a single nice thing to say, let alone funny, but when he dissed Clare for being on her second season of Bachelor in Paradise he made her cry to a raccoon who was playing with a wine bottle, so that was worth it. (What is this show?!)
Joe half-heartedly ended up asking Juelia (single mom from Chris’ season) on his date. Juelia had a wonderful time and felt like they had a great connection, but Joe went back to the beach house to confess to an off screen producer that he was just using her for her rose and that she’s “not too smart.” Both Jonathan and Mikey tried to warn Juelia that he was using her for a rose, because he wants to stay on the show long enough to meet someone I don’t remember named Samantha, but she wasn’t convinced and when Joe found out he turned super creepy. I’m kinda thinking this season might turn into a horror film when he murders everyone in their sleep.
First, Joe threatened to beat them with brass knuckles and I believed him, because he looked terrifying and I’ve seen Justified; those Kentucky boys don’t play. Then he used his Charles Manson level manipulation skills to talk Mikey into apologizing and Jonathan into telling Juelia he was wrong. That was all impressively creepy, but then he made Jonathan cry. Not a stoic single tear for ratings, but actual hiding in his bathroom sobbing because he felt so bad for betraying his friend tears. Even worse, Joe let him and then he gloated about it in a confessional saying, “I give zero f—s right now. I’m just like, ‘Give me that rose.'” He’s the worst.
My reaction. (source)
Jared and Clare mess everything up
When pretty boy Jared got a date card he immediately asked Clare to go with him. This started a chain of overreaction from their previous love interests and a whole bunch of ageism. Jared’s previous date, Ashley I. predictably broke into tears and wondered why he would want to date “old lady” 34 year-old Clare. Mikey also questioned their 8 year age difference, but he should have been more concerned with the fact that Jared is probably just three kids stacked on top of one another (he looks so young, guys).
Mikey confronted Clare about her decision to accept Jared’s date, because he thought they were an item. How he could possibly think they were a couple when everyone, including Clare, repeatedly told him that she wasn’t into him is beyond me. He’s like a stray dog who keeps showing up at your front door, because you pet him one time. Sadly, Mikey really was blindsided and he lashed out at Clare letting her know that they were over to which she said, FINALLY.
Jared and Clare went bungee jumping over the ocean on their date. This was all pretty unremarkable except for the suggestive screaming and panting Clare apparently makes when she’s jumping off a platform strapped to a “26 year-old” (show me his birth certificate and I’ll remove the quotation marks). Clare seemed into him, but later Jared started giving her some mixed signals so she decided they were over. Jared went back to Ashley I. for a guaranteed rose and Clare made a soliloquy about how no one else on the show was as serious about finding love as she is which just generally pissed everyone off except the producers because: ratings.
My reaction. (source)
The never ending Rose Ceremony
This week the women had the power to hand out the roses. All of the established couples paired off quickly. Tanner with Jade, Kirk with Carly, Ashley S. with Dan. In a somewhat surprising move Tenley chose Joshua and then the show came to a screeching halt when Clare stormed off the stage. Yes, it ended in a cliffhanger. I watched three hours of this garbage and I didn’t even get to find out who went home?!? RAGE.
My reaction. (source)
After Show? More like No Laughter Show
My incredible editing skills added that arrow so that you’d see the raccoon. You’re welcome.
Tenley, Ashley S. and Jonathan appeared on the after show this week where they mostly discussed Joe being a jerk. A new feature they introduced this week was having fans call in to plug their Twitter handles ask questions. My text and twitter conversations were way more interesting than this show so I didn’t pay too much attention, but they did make me laugh with the taxidermy raccoon on a shelf in the back of the room as a nod to Clare.
My reaction. (source)
Next week in “paradise”
The scenes from next week were deleted by my husband from our DVR before I could watch them. Thanks, babe. I figure it’s safe to assume that someone will cry, new people will join the show and a little bit of my self respect will diminish.
My reaction. (source)
Am I the only one feeling grumpy about this show so far? Do you think Clare will quit this show? Can I? Tell me in the comments!
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All Screen Grab photos are courtesy of ABC
